A few years ago I was at a retreat of both AlAnons and alcoholics that were in AA (some for a looooong time and some for only a few months). I was a speaker on one of the steps at this retreat so a quite new member of AA came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me if I would have married my hubby if I had known that he was going to become an alcoholic. I said "no, never!" and he looked at me and said "that's not fair". I didn't know what to say to him after that and he didn't know what to say to me either. He was early in recovery and I hope I didn't hurt him but I couldn't lie to him either.

I am still married to my AH who is sober today and will probably stay sober because he is more afraid of the cancer he got in his throat than alcoholism. But I do lots of things to keep my sanity with his self-centeredness.

Lyne, I wish the best for you!!!! I know about it being too late, horrible feeling.

Leaving someone is very hard and a mountain of emotions and fears that come with it. And I have never talked to anyone (including myself) that didnt say I might stay single it isnt worth it. Very common.
The two bad relationships in the past I chose to leave, and it was not easy (mentally and physically abuse). But after him, I swore I would never trust or love again.

Then I met my Ex-husband, he was wonderful and what a treat after who I was with prior. I was with him for 3 yrs before we got married. I was happy. BUT ONCE we said I DO, it wasnt a month later the mental and controlling monster came out, and I lived in a very bad situation. And I stayed with him for 7 more years. Neither one were alcoholics, just mean people with issues. When I left my husband he took all the money and gave me nothing (he made good money so there was no fighting him in court). I lived in a hotel for a month and not a nice one. He harassed me so much at work I lost my job, the list goes on. And he wouldnt let me see my step son who I raised pretty much alone for 10 yrs. I hit rock bottom back then and got very sick (mentally). I Swore, that was it, no more I am done!

Then I met Al a few yrs later my relationship before my ABF - I thought I found THE ONE, no.. his time for real LOL, such a caring, wonderful (older) man, treated me like GOLD! Regardless of what he had done, it was a very good relationship. But 1 yr later I found out he was married and the trips to NC that I thought were business trips, were not. He was going home to his kids and wife. I never thought I would get over that one. He didnt treat me bad but I had no choice but to leave, I couldn't stay with someone married and his POOR wife, and the guilt I had from it was horrible. I never thought I would get over him it was a little easier with the ones that treated me so bad..

So again, that was IT I mean it this time no more. LOL I took a much needed break, dove into self-help, volunteering got strong and I knew exactly what I was looking for should I find Mr right. And I was so proud I held out for Mr right I was finally looking out for ME. So a few yrs later I met Tommy boy. He blew everyone out of the water and the connection and friendship we have AMAZING!!!!! It was worth it, the wait was so worth it. Life was GOOD! But it was a lie, the man I met was not who he said he was.. So here I am. In a situation like none of the others, being with an A doesnt even compare to the others, so differnt..some of it is better (he doesnt hit me, mental abuse only when drunk, he isnt married etc) but the other parts of it are SO much worse than the past.

I never was addicted to anyone before probably because they were not addicts, I dont know. But it is so true, you become sick with them and you become addicted to them. So this one will not be easy to say good bye to (should I decide). And I pray every day it works out!

I dont know if I am staying with my A or not. And yes, all those old feelings of, NO, not again, come on, and not wanting to be alone again, I dont want to start over or even want another. Here is there difference between then and now.. because meeting an A had taught me some really tough things to deal with and pain I never felt but it has also forced me to work a program and Al Anon so that helps me know I will be OK! And I am sure; after the drama, tears and pain fade I will find another someday. Just added on my already LONG check list: nonalcoholic need not apply So no matter HOW carful you are or how much you think you are not settling.. life, your HP reminds you - you do not have control over what is planned for you. I hope HP has a plan for me to be with someone until I grow old, I really do want this. But maybe that isnt the plan for me. So I am not going to worry about it.

-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Friday 8th of November 2013 11:24:41 AM

-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Friday 8th of November 2013 11:26:17 AM

WorkingThroughIt - after Al anon and my own experience in this.... I two have developed a 6th sense and if I am out there again, looking for love. This will be with me, and it is so comforting to know.

I gave my heart before I really knew him; I haven't dated yet and its been three years. No desire until I heal from the past. But, I do have times where I meet someone, they seem fun, hang back from a distance and watch how they are -usually doesn't take long to see the red flags I didn't know to look for before now.

I would date a man who was a recovered A - provided enough recovery was in place, strong in their program. I think the 12 steps add tremendous depth to us, make us better people for having looked inside and learned to keep our own sides clean. I would not date another bully though. And, I would take things pretty slow, keep my heart safely vaulted away in my safe deposit box!