Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Somerset25 · Member

Confused, Need Strength

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

I really dont have much to say in this area. And sharing what I would do and have done is not what you need right now, nor do I think it would help.

Go to meetings, stay on here and if at all possible, please get therapy for YOU. Not couples now but for you. This is my only share for you. Along with, I am sorry for your pain. And like all other hard times, you will get past this too.

-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Wednesday 6th of November 2013 01:30:30 PM

gingerfizz · Veteran Member

I agree with the above poster. Focus on you, get support for you, attend face to face al-anon meetings for you, and get counseling for you.

Mari1978 · Senior Member

This too shall pass.
I try to remember my gratitude list when I feel down about my situation. Fill the calendar with fun festivities for you and the kids to enjoy. Re train your brain not to try to project outcomes. Rather stop and think what do I have control over? This moment, and taking things one day at a time. Letting go takes lots of practice. It is good that you have awareness and seeing a therapist may be helpful. Check out a face to face alanon meeting if you can. There is hope. Sending you a great big hug.
In support
M

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

She is the sick one, the one cheating, so what makes you say you would be without the kids? To leave kids with an A who is not on program is insanity. She "maybe" has not been drinking or using, but who knows? That is not the issue really. Does not sound like she is making rational decisions at all. Here she is cheating, manipulating you, and even communicating with this other guy in front of all of you!

What happened to boundaries? Maybe it would help you to feel better by making some. For instance, no more contacting this other guy unless she is out of the house, meaning she get her own place. Who says you have to support her? She is not helpless.

If you want the kids, then set it up.

I am hearing a lot of tunnel vision here. There are options for you and the kiddo's. Its not always the guy who has to leave and pay for two places! She is making choices. So maybe ask her what she is going to do. Heck with what are you going to somer. We can say ok you want space, you have another relationship, so I will stay here with the kids and you go get a job and find your own way.I hate it when the kids have to be all messed up becuz mom or dad is in a crises in their life.

You know you want to keep things the same. She is the one causing the upheaval. sounds like she is needing to make some decisions.

I have said before to my ex A. well ok what are YOU going to do? I am not going anywhere.

love,debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Summerset

This is a really difficult time for you and your marriage. Remember alanon suggests no major life changes for the first year, The reason for this is as we grow in program we see new and differennt choices available to us.

The best suggestions are to, Keep attending meetings, work with a sponsor to complete the Steps and keep taking care of yourself .

You are not alone

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

Summerset on any open post about anything you are going to get feedback you may not want to hear and could possibly confuse you more and not always good advise. Because you have a specific questions(s) - I really suggest and what Betty says as well; reach out to a sponsor, a meeting or a good therapist in your area.

This was a hard Lesson learned back in the day, for me: When I had something similar with my ex-husband, reaching out open like this made things worse. The bluntness of people and mixed signals and all the different advise, drove me crazy and only complicated things. It wasnt until I sought out counseling (at that time) was I able to think clear and started to figure things out. And like Betty says! Nothing has to be decided right now get a little better and stronger so you can make better choices for you and the kiddies.

I am not telling you what to do, sorry if it comes of like that. Just trying to save you from more possible pain. XOXOXOX

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Somerset,
Oh I understand that pain and confusion and I'm sorry for you and your family that this disease is causing such pain.

You DO have options (I wish I'd known that truth when I was going through something similar). It is good advice to focus on you and your needs and what works for you. You don't have to solve everything in one sweep.

My experience is that I tried to grin and bear it when AH was messing around with someone else and with hindsight I found that I was tearing myself apart. It can be done but it undermined my self esteem so much and now that AH and I are trying to patch things up I keep tripping over my anger at him for what he put me through. If the same thing happened again I hope that I would draw a clear boundary that had 'up with this I will not put' written on it! I did not feel empowered at the time and AH took advantage of that. When I did finally walk out he said 'I respect you for what you are doing'. You could have knocked me down with a feather!! I think that I made a mistake in trying to protect his feelings at the expense of my own. Do what is best for you and for your children and that can still mean that you do nothing, just for today, if that is what suits you.

I found that meditation helped to clear my thinking a lot - I would just sit and listen to my breathing and in the calm some clearer answers came to the surface. I also tried flipping a coin - heads he leaves for example. I would then listen to my feelings and what they were telling me about the result. It was my feelings that counted, not the actual coin flip. (Hope that makes some sense!).

Go gently with yourself - sending prayers for you all.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

She seems to hold all the power. That's hard. My suggestion is if you seriously want change then go to alanon meetings get yourself a program of recovery. Take a bit of time for your recovery and the confusion will lift and you'll know what to do.

Somerset25 · Member

Thank you everyone! I am going to meetings, although it's just been for a few weeks. The words of encouragement are very much appreciated and make an otherwise unbearable situation a little bit better.

Somerset25

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was a newbie in the program also and feeling all the feelings you are having today about a wife cheating in the program and all the thoughts about what has happened, what is happening and what will happen later on the best I could do was listen, listen, listen to those in the rooms with similar experiences and different responses to it and as the slogan "Take what you like and leave the rest" suggest I did just that. I took the experiences that others were having success with and dupliecated them to the best of my ability and would talk to those members and ask them how they were doing what they were doing and for more suggestions. The fellowship never ever let me down. "Live in the moment" was a rocket science slogan and practice and "to thine ownself be true" kept me self focused no matter how bad I wanted to judge and question and critique her. I grew and she continued to drink, use and practice her infidelities...that's not uncommon with alcoholic personalities and each day it continued to be that way we grew farther apart. My HP didn't intend me to live like that...the mistake was mine. I came to understand and correct my mistakes.

Self focus...get a home group and a sponsor...practice the program as suggested and let God handle the merry-go-round stuff.

Keep coming back...you are not alone. ((((hugs)))) smile

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

My advice for you is to take care of yourself and the kids. Make yourself happy. Do things for you and the kids to have fun together. Make memories. It is a joyful time of year coming up. Help the kids enjoy it. She will do whatever it is that she will do. What are YOU going to do?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you lots of encouragement and support as you take each day as it comes and make the best of a very difficult and painful situation with the help of the program, good friends and people in the Al-Anon fellowship. Projecting what ifs only makes our situation more difficult and an already painful situation more painful. It isn't inevitable that you will divorce. It isn't inevitable that if you separate or divorce, the children will end up with their Mom as primary custodian. I know several Dads with primary responsibility for their children because their Moms are or were too sick to function. With that said, today you are all living together and your children are lucky to have you as their Dad. Making the best of your day and your time with the children will make a challenging and painful time easier for you. The what ifs can drive us crazy if we give in to their seductive promises of a future that might never happen.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Hang in there somerset. Try to focus on the next right step only and not the whole thing at once. It is too much to figure out all at once. Alanon will give you support and clarity.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

You are dealing and feeling very well. Many others before you have survived it. I hear a lot of economic insecurity that would be good to talk with a sponsor more about. Also of course fear around your kids' well-being which is a legit fear. Again, talking to a sponsor about how to help them be affected as little as possible. For now just love them and be very attentive to them. Sounds like you already know what to do. Maybe doing absolutely nothing and taking no action for now is the solution. Our own Higher Power and the help of a sponsor and the steps - and sitting with pain - can help us grow. But God has to be in this somewhere. What are the spiritual principles to follow that come from Alanon? Lots and lots of meetings right now...May you feel the presence of Gods peace

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.