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Abf was in a nice mood when I got home from the beach this evening and asked me if I would like to watch a movie with him, one that he has been "looking forward to watching with me".
Well, I tried, but it was 3 hours long and a movie about a bunch of horrible drug-addicts shouting rude things about each other's mothers and stabbing each other with the occasional shooting just for variety. Then they all went to jail and did more shouting and stabbing and also had a riot over a pork-chop. There was just nothing in it that I could possibly relate to or enjoy so after 1.5 hours I had to say "I'm sorry honey but this is just awful". So now he's terribly hurt that I wouldn't watch it because "he thought I would really enjoy it".
Now if there was a list of movies entitled "10 films that your girlfriend will absolutely hate" this would be number 1. There are so many things we enjoy watching together- from historical dramas to kung-fu but I can't for the life of me understand what would make him think I would enjoy a violent horrible saga about a bunch of 30 year old nitwits who still live with their parents and take drugs all day long.
It might sound insignificant but it speaks volumes to me; he's so disconnected and oblivious to me these days; I don't think he even knows who I am anymore! I've noticed more and more lately that he does things, or buys things- foods for example that he knows I hate and then is offended because "he thought I loved it". Bizarre.
So now, of course, he's drunk and so offended that I didn't like it that he's barricaded himself in his room again.
Anyway it doesn't bear analyzing, it's just really weird.
That is funny, Melly! I can picture you excited to share some cozy quality time and then this movie selection? Maybe next time you get a vote which movie to watch too? I noticed that he conveniently used it as an excuse to drink... if it weren't your lack of fondness for the movie, the disease would have chosen something else.
Hmm you know bud, I've never been allowed to choose the movie, no matter what I suggest he says "I don't feel like watching that" and then plays whatever he likes. And if I put on something I had selected he would have no problem walking out...but he's so terribly offended that I couldn't stick out this 3 hours of awfulness? Crazy. And the hillarious bit is, half the time he will put on a movie I suggested weeks ago that he turned his nose up at and say "hey I found this great movie for us to watch" LOL.
Crazy-train.
Oh, my gosh, Melly!!!!!!!! My ribs hurt. A riot over a pork chop. What a comedy writer you are and this isn't even fiction! This is real life for you. I just love who you are and I love that even though he doesn't know you, you know you! Good program work, sister. Good writing, too. (((M)))
I've become sensitive to these kinds of "details"- I'm not sure the root of someone else's needing to always choose or the only one in the relationship with veto authority... selfishness, self-centeredness, lack of ability to empathize... have become hallmarks in how I want to handle myself around this kind of person. I'm grateful for your posts- they're very helpful. I love how you're working the program!
When AH pulls these stunts I wonder about how much he has had to put in to come up with a new passive aggressive little tester??! I hope its loads!! Probably not though!! Thank you for the reminder Smiling in recognition and celebrating your marvellous humour.
I wonder about it being a passive-aggressive "tester" too, but I've become all-too skilled at assuming that his every action has a sinister intent so I'm choosing to laugh off as much as I can instead. If he IS playing a mind game, well, it's going to be a boring game if I'm not playing it too! I didn't get at all annoyed with him this evening in fact I was laughing and happy and told him to enjoy the rest of his movie while I read beside him. Maybe that was why he stomped off to his room in the end? Not sure. Be funny if he didn't like the movie either and he just chose it to upset me......HA!!!! Now there's an amusing thought.
The stupidest part is that he has seen the movie before so he must have known how much I would hate it. Oh well.
"Terrible at buying gifts" is a common trait of narcissism ... and alcoholism as well I'm sure.... an inability to have empathy/put himself in others' shoes/see things from others' perspectives.
I am very sensitive to scary/stressful/action/car chase/shoot 'em up type movies. It is so stressful for me to sit through them. I think it stems from my PTSD from growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home. I hate it and I refuse to do it, even "for him." It is not enjoyable to me, and I would rather not spend 2 hours "on the edge of my seat" - I don't know why that is a selling point for movies!!! People are bizarre that they want to be stressed for 2 hours! ;) My husband and I can never agree on a movie. I want to watch a comedy or drama usually... something that involves relationships between people, and something that might make me laugh or feel good or inspire me. My husband cannot sit through these types of movies. I don't think he is good at empathy and is not that interested in the relationships between characters as I am.
He might not have cared that you liked the movie or even kept your eyes open...he might of cared only for the company while he was getting his way...that is alcoholic "self centeredness". It might have been about "verify me please" than anything else. You're on different maturity levels and that is normal for the disease. Waiting for him to "grow up" could take another life time or three or more.
Keep coming back Melly and hold on to that precious sense of humor. ((((hugs))))
Ginger- the thing is he used to be very clued in as to what I like and appreciate; it's quite recently that he has started doing and buying things that I hate and acting surprised when I am displeased. So the ability was there, once! As for movies, well as I said we have a huge amount of common ground and enjoy so, so many genres together so it was a really odd choice. I also cannot enjoy noisy violent shoot-em up type movies full of horrible language and find them stressful (although I'll watch an epic sword and axe battle or a kung-fu flick any day lol, go figure).
Another thing I have noticed in recent months is that when he perceives that I am being distant, he will put on a horror movie and insist that I watch it and then afterwards barricade himself in his room; I am absolutely sure this is a manipulation as he knows I cannot stand to sleep alone after watching a scary movie and will end up with the dog, cat (and maybe even child) in my bed and all of the lights on LOL.
Sounds pretty spot-on Jerry. As I said, I've become skilled at finding ulterior motives! I doubt he puts anywhere near as much thought into his actions as I do.
He mentioned again just before that he was so terribly disappointed that I hadn't enjoyed it and I asked him "would you enjoy a 3 hour long movie about a bunch of women picking flowers? Because this was the female equivalent". He got a giggle out of that lol.
Crazy people do crazy things and apparently this is one of them. Thanks for the laugh, also had to laugh at PP's comment at getting him to go to his room. On that note its an absolutely wonderful point, you could almost make your life work if he would just stay in his room and pout while you and your daughter enjoy your life. Plus you have such a good sense of humor you could write a book about it. Wonder what chapter the pork chop riot would be....
Melly, just wanted to share that I, too, have become skilled at finding ulterior motives. I have had a few situations this past week where I felt he was testing me, finding a weak spot, looking to make me upset, but I never took the bait.
I had asked my AH last Wednesday if he was traveling for work this week and he said, "I don't know," so I told him to let me know ASAP because a friend needed my response. I never heard back from him and then last night he says that he can help out with our son and I told him that wasn't necessary and that since I hadn't heard back from him about his schedule, I cancelled my attendance at a meeting. I got a text yesterday that said 'sorry'(he neglected to get back to me about the scheduling issue, I was asked to lead a meeting), and I replied with, "No biggie. I'm always open to a change of plans and my friend was able to find someone else to lead the meeting instead of me. So, things worked out." He said nothing afterwards. I'm learning to get out of his way, to not get riled up about his passive aggressive childish selfish crap, and I'm finding that I have more peace. I may be annoyed at times, but it's easier to blow it off now than it was a year ago.
I wouldn't have liked that movie, either, Melly, but I know my AH always watches stuff like that and then wonders why I leave the room. Is it that hard to figure out after I've stated that I can't watch that kind of stuff??? As Ginger said: lack of empathy.
you aren't wrong!!
