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Your post made me smile today . I have been in a few meetings where the still practicing alcoholic decided he wanted to attend with his spouse. first practicing alcoholics do not belong in our meetings and he is taking his life in his hands by attending , I go to meetings where I don't have to listen to a practicing alcoholic or sit next to one smelling of yesterdays booze. A few women in one group ask him to leave or they were going to leave . he left . Most want to attend so they can find out what your doing there as our program seems to be a threat to them . I have also been in a meeting where the spouse spoke up against his wife and she left the meeting needless to say he was more than a little uncomfortable and we never saw him again . she had enough program to know that she was not responsible for his behavior and she returned the following week * alone * No is my answer hope you have the courage to follow thru , you cannot stop him from attending , if he insists just know that you are not responsible for his behavior . I also like the suggestion that he can attend but ask that he choose another one where you don't attend . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 6th of November 2013 03:55:46 PM
I have been attending Al-anon meetings and they are really helpful, well, my AH found out that it is an open meeting so he figures he can attend. I asked my group and they said it is a bad idea at this stage, he is trying (I think) to stop drinking and is in therapy but he is now trying to control me and manipulating everything I do. Has anyone had this problem and what do I do. I guess I can switch to a closed meeting but I liked this one.......frustrated!!!! Thanks
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
I am def not an expert. Part of me says it is not a good idea at all, this is for you and your recovery. but the other part says what if he isnt trying to manipulate? Hard call. I would go with your gut and if you dont want him there just tell him this is something you have to do for you and it is personal. And if he goes anyway, just act as if he is not there I guess. He might go to one and NEVER return, NO A wants to hear about people talking about As!!!!!! You know how touchy they can be about their disease. Most are ashamed and prefer not to hear or talk about it with others.
I will let the more experienced speak on this one........ just my thought. Wish you luck
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
I have been attending Al-anon meetings and they are really helpful, well, my AH found out that it is an open meeting so he figures he can attend. I asked my group and they said it is a bad idea at this stage, he is trying (I think) to stop drinking and is in therapy but he is now trying to control me and manipulating everything I do. Has anyone had this problem and what do I do. I guess I can switch to a closed meeting but I liked this one.......frustrated!!!! Thanks
I think it is a bad idea......your recovery is your sanctuary, your place to share w/out abandon....the reason why you are THERE is bc of HIM and his drinking right?? what if you or someone else shares something that makes him angry???? I would not be able to share ,openly, had any X of mine (i was not in alanon until AFTER 2nd divorce) but i know, i would want my alanon/acoa meets to be private....my sanctuary....
in therapy, couples go together but it is "supervised" by the therapist...there is an expert there to "moderate" but in an open meet it is just a bunch of alanoners sharing and , yes, working through pain, triggers, etc......I would not want to do it.......i would have to have my ONE place where i can just 'let it all hang out" and not worry about the A getting all p****ed off bc i happen to share about something that upsets him....
this is a save your own rear end program.....this is for you....about you.....i just think there is SOME stuff that is private.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
What do you want? Do you want him at a meeting with you? If not, it is perfectly acceptable to say "No. I want these meetings to be for me for now."
great way of getting out of it not mean...not being cheeky...just saying "No...I want these meetings to be for me for now" and that "for now" can last as long as YOU want it....remember...this is YOUR sanctuary, not his......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
It is important to honor your feelings and wants. If it makes you uncomfortable that he be there while you are there, tell him strongly and clearly. Your feelings and wants are to be considered before his. My sponsor used to say, "you are not wantless or needless". I wish you the best....
It is important to honor your feelings and wants. If it makes you uncomfortable that he be there while you are there, tell him strongly and clearly. Your feelings and wants are to be considered before his. My sponsor used to say, "you are not wantless or needless". I wish you the best....
oh yea and this program is a "Be your OWN best friend" program......love what Paula says...."you are not wantless or needless"....soo true.......all i can add is "to thy own self be true".....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My partner also becomes very controlling when he is trying to "be good" and it feels to me like a threat- "do what I say and pretend to like it or I'll drink"...
One of the greatest and most relieving realisations i had in my first alanon meeting was that I didn't have to sugar-coat what I was saying or consider his feelings- because he wasn't there listening over my shoulder and because I knew no-one was ever going to repeat my words to him. I personally think it would be terrible for you to lose that freedom, especially if you are feeling that he is dominating and controlling you at home. I haven't even told my partner about alanon meetings because I absolutely would not attend with him there. It's for ME, not an opportunity for him to make it about HIM!!
But that's just how it is for me. How do YOU feel about him attending with you?
I would say no because I would not be able to talk freely with my SO there. Al-anon is for me and if my SO wanted to go he can find his own on another day.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I have found that I need to put my program first despite feelings of awkwardness, etc. If a particular meeting works for you, keep on keeping on- it is your program. You can simply let him know that going together is not something you're comfortable with at this time.
There is a program for people trying to stop drinking. AA. I might say "great you want to go to a meeting. Hope you find a good AA one." That's handing his disease back to him.
Active Alcoholics are not welcomed in open Al-Anon meetings when they speak into the group...the reason is obvious they are not there to learn and don't know what they are talking about. I've had active A's put out of meetings I secretaried in the past because the group as a whole adheres to the traditions which are read at the start of the meeting...if they cannot and willnot adhere to the traditions it's a bust. "If you are not an Al-Anon member please refrain from commenting until after the meeting" I believe we use to read when I first got into the program. Just for me ((((hugs))))
thanks everyone. No I don't want him there and I told him, he got the list from his therapy group and when I had to sit thru a conference call with his counselor she did say he could go to the open meeting. She asked him why he felt he had to go and he wanted to know what I was saying about him....this is just the crisis of the day with him, tomorrow it will be something else I am sure I will go anyway and see what happens....thanks to all!
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
My alcoholic/addict wife also thought I was going to my meetings and talking about her to which I replied they wouldn't know who you were if you were standing in front of them...she didn't get it. "It's not all about you dear"!!! ((((hugs))))
Of course some of them never come to understand that statement.
If you do not want your husband there it is A-OK to tell him that doesn't work for you...!
I do encourage you to also add a closed Al-Anon meeting to your recovery:) This is where you will get to know one another on a little more intimate level and start hearing and seeing in others what you would like in your life...those are the women that you may want to ask to be your Al-Anon sponsor in the very near future!:)
The best to you!
-- Edited by Mimi3 on Thursday 7th of November 2013 09:42:19 AM
, I go to meetings where I don't have to listen to a practicing alcoholic or sit next to one smelling of yesterdays booze. A few women in one group ask him to leave or they were going to leave . he left . Most want to attend so they can find out what your doing there as our program seems to be a threat to them . I have also been in a meeting where the spouse spoke up against his wife and she left the meeting needless to say he was more than a little uncomfortable and we never saw him again . she had enough program to know that she was not responsible for his behavior and she returned the following week * alone * No is my answer hope you have the courage to follow thru , you cannot stop him from attending , if he insists just know that you are not responsible for his behavior . I also like the suggestion that he can attend but ask that he choose another one where you don't attend . Louise