The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Someone I know is having issues in her marriage and a really really hard time coping with her husband's issues with internet porn. I found resources for her at http://www.cosa-recovery.org/index.html and http://www.sanon.org/index.html, but there are no meetings in our area and those sites don't seem to have online meetings. I think the Al-Anon principles would be really helpful to her. Do you think she would be welcome at an Al-Anon face-to-face meeting if her addict is porn addicted and not alcoholic? Any other advice you might have for where to refer her?
Thanks all. Al- Anon has changed my life, and I have only been here 3 months. I'm a very grateful member.
I am sure if your friend carefully looks back over her life she would discover a relative or friend who had a problem with alcoholism.
At my Home meeting, we have a gentleman who is a "sex addict" and shares accordingly. Many members object to his shares, at business meetings however he maintains that he is a adult child of an alcoholic and is seeking recovery. He continues to attend and benefits from the meeting. If your friend feels she would benefit from the connection she could try attending
I take alanon as to be open to ANY "non using and in this case non "oggling porno" " spouse of one who does....
she is the victim here, not the perpetrator.....
it is an addictive behaviour is it not???? so she is married to an addict, just not any substance he puts in his body, but he is poisoning his mind and soul, continuing this activity
I would welcome her...why not??? she is married to an addict, just not a alkie or narkie but one who is immersed in internet porn......
the gal has to find somewhere to share.....and lets face it....being married to an A, i have read posts, heard shares that were pretty gross what the drinker did, so why should her shares be any worse???
I think to NOT allow her shows the impression that "Oh if your qualifier is not an addict for some substance ingested, we don't want you"
that would not work for me..........we attract to this program by our loving, open arms, behaviour, by example....
I would welcome her w/open arms and give her the same support and respect I would with any other alanoner.....
JUST my take....please use what u can and dump the rest
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My ABF is as addicted to computer games and online gambling as he is to alcohol. In fact I think his game-addiction makes him meaner and crazier than drinking does! Constantly chasing a high changes your brain chemistry whether it's gambling, games or porn. I found some help with a website dedicated to computer-game addicts and they suggest naranon and alanon as the best place for spouses to learn how to heal and recover themselves.
Thanks for your encouragement and support all. My first instinct was that of course she should come, he is addicted and his behaviors, and more importantly what SHE needs to do are the same/very similar as with an alcoholic. I do think that she will either go to a meeting with me, or go to one in her area. And yes, hotrod, I do believe that she can identify an alcoholic in her family, as well. Being fairly new to Al-Anon I wanted to hear what you all thought. Thank you :)
I would worry that she would not find the support she needs in our meetings , we are in this program for alcoholism , we thrive because we can all relate to the topics and problems living with an alcoholic . There are special meetings for spouses of Sex Addicts . I believe they are simply called SAnon. if she called an addiction centre perhaps someone there could direct her to the right meeting .. if she attends our program she will soon know if she is in the right place herself . Just my opinion Louise
I see it a little differently. How could she relate to shares at a meeting? People who are affected by alcoholism share many of the same issues. Similar stories and even then. Some newcomers struggle to relate. I don't think we can call addiction to anything the same thing. It's not and if I went to a meeting as a newcomer with an open door to every kind of addiction I don't know if I would have gotten the same identification. I think a spiritual program can help any addiction but alanon is for friends and families of alcoholics. Isn't that the basic message that runs through the literature?surely this woman would benefit from a program adapted to her needs?
I am in a group that has all kinds of family members with different "drugs of choice," alcohol being the main one. We all seem able to relate to the issues and to the program. Several are newcomers who feel right at home and we feel at home with them. Initially, there might be some awkwardness, but as we meet together it becomes very apparent that we have all been affected in the same ways by the disease - no matter what the drug of choice - and can relate to each other and the program as it is written. There are some groups that might have a hard time with this, but the main group I attend and other groups I've been meeting with throughout the years in my locale seem comfortable with whomever comes who has been affected by alcoholism or another drug of choice when they first come. It took me years of Al-Anon to see that my own family was severely affected by alcoholism because my own mother and father were not drinkers. It was a hidden disease. My husband was a drug user when I first joined Al-Anon but he was cross addicted. He started with alcohol in high school and while in the military. He switched addictions after we'd been married for awhile.
I agree with concerns about diluting the message, the shares might not apply, etc.
It's too bad that there is not sort of a neutral book of the principles of Al-Anon (or a group/meeting) that have been so helpful... like detaching with love, not managing others, focus on self, admitting powerlessness and unmanageability of the other's addiction, etc. Perhaps The Language of Letting go by Melody Beattie, which I have heard wonderful things about but do not own.
-- Edited by gingerfizz on Thursday 7th of November 2013 09:55:11 AM
I can see the connection with drugs as many drug addicts are alcoholics. If it's an open door then when do you stop? Addiction is wide reached - food excersise television. Surely this dilutes the program and would have an impact on the recovery of others. I don't think I could relate to the experience of porn addiction and how would newcomers feel the power of the program through shares that would seem completely different.
I would worry that she would not find the support she needs in our meetings , we are in this program for alcoholism , we thrive because we can all relate to the topics and problems living with an alcoholic . There are special meetings for spouses of Sex Addicts . I believe they are simply called SAnon. if she called an addiction centre perhaps someone there could direct her to the right meeting .. if she attends our program she will soon know if she is in the right place herself . Just my opinion Louise
The only reason this was being considered is because there is no S-Anon in our area, at all.
Ginger- I've mentioned that I got some help from a computer-game addict 12 step group to deal with my partner's computer-game addiction. Porn addiction was often discussed there too. Whilst they welcome spouses, parents and children of addicts, there isn't an actual anon program yet, so attending meetings was like one of us going to an AA meeting- detrimental because it keeps us focused on the addict and not on ourselves. And so they encourage people to attend alanon, naranon or coda to learn the principals and learn that they aren't alone in the hopeless feelings they have (loving an addict). But they also caution people that they might be ridiculed and rejected by many of these groups and to keep looking until they find a group that has an "addiction is addiction is addiction" philosophy, or to just listen and learn the tools and not disclose their partner's actual addiction if they don't feel comfortable sharing. The hope is that people will learn these tools and eventually start to create their own support groups based on the fantastic model provided by established groups such as alanon, naranon and coda.
So maybe she could attend local groups, get a feel for how well they will receive her particular circumstance, and then decide to either remain an observer and at least learn the tools or keep trying groups until she finds one where she feels accepted? I don't think she should be deprived of learning about how to manage her own recovery as the spouse of an addict just because there aren't established groups for these relatively new techno-addictions, because they can be every bit as awful to live with as substance addictions.
I can't believe anyone would ridicule or reject her regardless of the group. Im trying to be the best person I can be like most alanon members so ridiculing someone would not happen at any meeting I've been too.I think our program can help most people. I've often thought most people I know would benefit from the program and in an ideal world there would be adapted meetings for everyone. It's not about alanon being there to help some and not others or someone's pain being worse than another. If a meeting is using the traditions and principles then being affected by alcohol is the only requirement. What do meetings look like if that is lost? It's not Alanon then. I don't really understand how it cam be changed to fit other addictions and still keep its principles and if the basics can be bent then surely it loses ore and more of its purpose. Sorry I may be coming across as unreasonable but I get worried that were playing around with this amazing thing that truly works we might turn it into something that doesn't.
