The material presented
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So I cancelled our couple therapy appointment for tomorrow (I am still going but he is not invited). Reason being, I told him 2 weeks ago if he didnt do some of the things we were asked to do and participate, I was going alone next time. He doesnt really do anything with the homework and we are not getting what we should out of therapy due to lack of participation on his end. BUT for some odd reason he loves going therapy and he never makes accuses to not to go, he is usually waiting for me to leave early to get there, like we are going to do something fun and exciting LOLIt is an ODD thing but none the less he likes going. IN my mind, we are spending a lot of money for him to sit there and listen to me talk (or should I say, talk though our therapist).And I personally want to get more out of it. 135.00 for 55 mins for couples, going on 6 months we should be way further ahead and we could have had things paid off by now and or more fun things to do with that money.
So I believe he tested my boundary of him not going if he didnt finish his homework and I am following through.
My text to him.Couples Therapy is cancelled because we are weeks behind in our material and assignments that were given to us. We will not be attending together until we are caught up and have something to show him and work with him on. I will however keep my appointment with him for myself tomorrow.
His text: Baby no, please dont . I know you said you would go alone if I didnt get some things taken care of, but I didnt think you meant it.I will try to leave work early tonight and read something; dont go without me because that is showing me you are giving up on us. I promise to do better and take more action on things I promise! I dont want to be the cause of canceling appointments. Now I feel bad. I ruin everything.
Feel bad?Do you?? The pitty part comes out and the manipulation as it always does, but the difference is I no longer react to things like that. I wanted to say back was Shut up be quiet and stop with the BS already, it is getting really old. LOL Instead I stop myself. And I said: OK.. glad you are going to try harder and I kindly declined his offer to GO home and read something fast, I told him he can still read what he wants when he wants but I told him I still choose to go alone. He is not happy with me, but he will get over it.
Here is where the low expectation is helpful. NO he wont take more action, not until he is better!! So unless he chooses to work on his mental sobriety (he is dry) I do not see anything else falling into place. Or at least I have no reason to believe that it will. And I have no expectation that he will.He has epiphanies here and there and has truly made me believe he will start doing things so we can repair and work on things because he is in love and wants a life and so on. But the lack of want, energy, or whatever it is that takes place and it takes over the actions every time. The illness!! This is cold hard reality. And it is almost funny to think, just 5-6 months ago, I would get all excited because he REALLY is going to do something now and the pain I allowed when he didnt. With little to no expectation with him getting better so helps me in these situations.
My plan is to keep going to therapy even if it is without him. ONE it helps me and prepares me and TWO should I choose to leave him down the road I want a therapist who already knows me and my situation. Some days I feel bad having this back up plan, but I have to put me first. And I truly believe we should have back up plans in our situations!!
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
Yay you for sticking to your commitment to you. My biggest disappointments come when I betray me and that is truly when I suffer the most. You said what you meant, you meant what you said and you did not say it mean...that is huge.
It helped knowing there was a 99.9% chance he would test me on this So I had to be sure I stuck to it. Do I want him to go with me tomorrow so we can work through this why yes I do LOL BUT going alone no matter what or how bad he tried to make me feel or how bad I want him to go.
It is a big thing for me because he is starting to see I mean what I say. And he is seeing the changes in me (which scares him) but we will see just how much. If he wants to keep me he knows exactly what needs to be done. As I learned in Getting them Sober and therapy.. be carful of meaningless threats and say whatever you have to say, stick to facts but only say it once! I laid it all out what I need from him and what I want from this relationship and gave it all back to him. Secretly I hope he does the right thing but I can act tough LOL heeeeeeeeeeeee
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
Paula, my Ex-husband took that away from me for years, I am sorry, rewording, I let him take it away. And I swore to my HP, never, ever, ever again, no matter who it is or what I go through will anything take my humor away. Heck, some days without it I would be doomed. It isnt always easy, but laughing so so important to me and so healing. Half of the time I am laughing at myself LOL Hugs
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
My plan is to keep going to therapy even if it is without him. ONE it helps me and prepares me and TWO should I choose to leave him down the road I want a therapist who already knows me and my situation. Some days I feel bad having this back up plan, but I have to put me first. And I truly believe we should have back up plans in our situations!!
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Oh yea, GOT to have a plan B and C in case orig. does not pan out......i do it all the time ....(back up plans) bc it alleviates a lot of fear..its like "ok if this doesn't work, i can fall back on plan b or c" oh yea, good work....good thiking.....i would def. go to therapy for ME...let him do what hes gotta do.....way to go
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Sharing the outcome. Hoping it helps.. I got home last night and he was doing his homework. That is great, it was his choice. WEEKS later, but none the less he was doing it on his own. An hour later he asked if we could talk about some things he has been putting me off on and on what he is going to do to get better and all of that. I said: that is great, yes we can talk. Well, he wanted to talk tonight (Wed, therapy night). He knows I am going to therapy and he knows why isnt going. So I stated again: I would love to talk; we can do it now (being last night) or schedule something on Thurs or later in the week? He says,<but I want to talk tomorrow night (Wed).
And proceeds to say: <I finally want to talk and you dont want to? Now you see why I dont put effort in, what is the sense I can never make you happy, I never do anything right, and so on> . I take a deep breath and I calmly say, I have an appointment tomorrow you know after therapy I am mentally exhausted so I do not think it is best we talk that night. I said, I think tonight, Thurs or Friday is better. He said, <I would think being I want to talk you would cancel your apt, let me go with you or something> Then he says, <I might not want to talk later this week>. Well..... I am done at this point, not going on this roller coaster I gave him a kiss on cheek and said: that is your choice. Then I went and started doing laundry. He went to bed early and mad and I didnt get my good bye morning kiss today.
HAAAAAAAAAAA- gotta love it. But I did get a text on lunch today that he is re scheduling his side job Thurs evening (he is an Electrician) and would like to talk if I would still be interested. I told him it was a date!! The old me would have followed him in the room, saying, I am sorry, dont be mad. And I would have done whatever to talk when he wanted because I might not get the chance again. AND, the old me would have been very let down because the chances of him *cancelling our talk time* is very good.
The new me? Is sticking to my guns, NOT expecting him to talk tomorrow night because he will have a bad day, in a bad mood or he is tired So if he does great, if he doesnt oh well. I can truly sit here right now and say. It doesnt matter, and it feels good to give it back to him, these are his issues to deal with not mine. And the new me wont be manipulated anymore!
Proof, that not feeding into the behavior works. I wasnt mean or cold, just stern and walked away when he started in. Again, it works!
And giving all the problems that he has created and caused back to him, for him to work it out. That takes a HUGE load off of me and it feels good. I wont lie. Letting go like that isnt easy. And there is a chance he wont work on anything, ever, so yes I am afraid of that, and preparing for that. But I sure was not winning or getting anywhere the other way. And me getting sick and always worrying and trying to control things was not changing anything nor was it helping me project what he will and wont do. SO what is the sense, why should I get sick over it? AND I would get myself in a HISSY over things LOL - I gave his problems and junk back to him where they belong!
-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Wednesday 6th of November 2013 02:34:13 PM
-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Wednesday 6th of November 2013 02:36:47 PM
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
I'm cheering from the sidelines here - I just love the way you've handled this. Thanks for admitting that it isn't easy - but boy oh boy what a stunning turn around
PS Do you train puppies as well?
Thanks - I like to share what works....... but in NO means is it easy or perfect! Just taking a little from the past, self-help, reading, a little from pain and how could I leave out Al Anon :)
Ahhh, puppies. Why yes I do I grew up with a lot of animals, to include dogs.My parents still have 5, I was brought up as a dog LOLNo really, I do have some of the behaviors, it is a joke with my family and my friends. heeeeeeee
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
So...so, it possible that your poor husband wants to go to therapy so much to discuss the fact that you like to eat your dinner from a dish on the floor and poop in the backyard?
