The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
you say you called your sponsor and he helped you to get the focus back on to you.
No one can explain why your sons sponsor felt to ring you, when your sons recovery is none of your business. I know that my partner was told in rehab that his recovery had to be his main priority. Work and everything else would be possible at a later date. The first year of recovery is tough but this is your sons journey. My partner has been in AA 4 years and slipped twice this time he has been sober 15 months. Every slip he has learnt something from. Your son may have a slip but he knows were the help is.
Your programme tells you that you can not prevent this only take care of yourself and hand him and his recovery over.
When I see signs that a slip may be coming or he does slip I grab hold of Al anon and my HP.
WE ARE POWERLESS!!!! ALWAYS
Maybe you could read some literature and get to some extra meetings. Worry is a waste of time it may not even happen. If my partners sponsor rang me I would tell them to ring him.
hugs tracy xxxxx
-- Edited by Tracy on Tuesday 5th of November 2013 07:35:04 AM
If my son's sponsor called me about my son (which he won't since he doesn't have a sponsor), I'd wonder about the sponsor's clean time and how well the sponsor is working or absorbing his program. Since this is an anonymous program - even member to member - inviting my sponsee's mother into my relationship to my sponsee sounds pretty weird to me. Anonymity is basic to our programs. I think it is good you sent the sponsor back to your son and away from you. Whether your son needs a new sponsor is up to your son, but if I were him I sure would be put off by my sponsor's call to my Mom, too. I'd get a new sponsor for what I'd consider to be a major breach of confidentiality and of the program. If its any help to you, my son was in a rehab program. One of his drops was dirty. He was sent out of the program and was counseled to go back to my home? Of course, I didn't allow it. Fortunately, I'd had enough program work to know that his counselor hadn't healed his own codependency issues and didn't follow the counselor's idea of what my son needed to do or what I needed to do as his mother. Working our program helps us consider the source and make choices that are in our best interest. It sounds to me like you did that in refusing the sponsor's invitation to get involved in something that is his business and your son's business and not yours.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 5th of November 2013 10:03:04 AM
So today my son that is out of recovery his Sponser calls me and tells me that he thinks my son will fall back to what he was doing.. As most of you know my son is a addict and came out of recovery early October. He said the reason he feels this way is because my son is not doing as he tells him to do and he feels that my son should find another Sponser so he goes on telling me that I should prepare myself for what may happen. I am still very shocked. This is an older man that has 6 years clean and is suppose walk as god tells him to. I told him I get what he means, but son now has a job and is trying to balance his life as he should and I can not but in because I'm too working my program as much as I can. I told his Sponser if you feel you need to say all that you told me to my son then do it.. I can not get involved in anything. He said he was going to call my son this evening and call me back. I said ok god bless. I get my son has to work his program, but he also has to balance his life out here where it was already balanced in recovery. He may have stepped back from bible study but I know for a fact he attends his meetings one every day he is secretarying a meeting every Tuesday at noon and his group of friends are truly amazing and supportive and he is working 37 hours a week also seeing his 9 month old daughter as court ordered and trying to reconcile his relationship with his daughters mother. I don't know how to truly take this conversation that his Sponser had with me nor why would he tell me all this. I called my Sponser of course out of fear and he helped me stay focused on me. I did see my son today and yes he looked a bit stressed out and I asked how his day was he simply responded well I am very tired just put in a meeting I feel now i need to meditate and go to bed. Well of course me being the mother trying to just continue to stay on my side of the road asked him did you talk to your Sponser today he said no mom. I called him yesterday left a message and he has not returned my call. I am at a complete lost of his Sponser and why he would say all this to me about me am my son. Can any one please try to help me understand a bit of this??
I don't think his sponsor should have come to you in the first place but that's me. I would tell my son's sponsor to please discuss this him and not involve me at all. We can't fix as you well know. Your son is going to drink/use or not. You can only protect yourself and let go....and yeah it's sad.
I have and will continue to let go with the help and support I can get anywhere and everywhere.
((( hugs )))
PS: Right now I'm not even talking to him or answering his emails. I have to keep my distance.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I don't know what was in the Sponsor's mind but him bringing in another party (you) sounds like "triangulating" which is usually a no-no in psychology. The relationship is between the sponsor and the person in recovery. You can't Cure him (your son), can't Control him, and of course didn't Cause him to drink. And if he sadly relapses it will become clear to you and doesn't need to be announced by his Sponsor. The Sponsor is not making the task of staying on your own side of the street any easier. I agree that if a Sponsor called me and tried to say that, I'd just say something like, "His recovery is his to handle, I can't be involved or listen to this. I wish you well. Bye." I can tell it was an unnerving phone call. Whatever your son's situation, he has all of AA (including access to other sponsors and sources of help) to guide him in this. Take good care of yourself.
How do you feel about this? This is part of the process of keeping the focus on you. The 3 A's have been so helpful for me....Awareness of my feelings, Acceptance of my feelings and Right Action. This is a hard situation for you, no doubt about that. Keep working your program of recovery.
Your sons sponsor has no business discussing what son is or is not doing , especially with a parent. when he calls again and before he starts * filling you in * interrupt and thank him for the concern but you don't want to hear , most A 's just don't understand how anothers addiction effects us nor that the first thing we learn is to stay out of their business , and see detachment as cruel and uncaring , there is no reason to justify why you don't want to discuss your sons program , this is a good time to practice the word NO can be a complete sentence . Louise
I am really appalled at that. Anonymity AND confidentiality are 2 of the cornerstones of AA and Al Anon Family groups. Also we are not to gossip about or discuss the shortcomings of our qualifiers.
I have also learned and been told repeatedly that a sponsor must be of the same gender as the sponsee. You refer to your sponsor as "he". Is that a typo?
I am so sorry this has happened. Correct me if I am wrong I believe your Son was in a different type of rehab and his sponsor may have different duties than the Sponsor sponsee relationship that we are familiar with.
Even if that is the case the next time he calls I would ask him to not involve me in my son's recovery since it has taken me a long time to detach from his disease and I am powerless over it
Agree with the above posts. Sounds like the sponsor might not hane the greatest boundaries.
Just for your benefit...You kept stating your son "left recovery." He left rehab. Leaving recovery means stopping meetings and likely relapse. There is a crucial distinction. Also..while I agree he needs to balance his life. He should still be eating, sleeping, and crapping NA at this point as early on as he is. A job is a necessity but not at any expense of sobriety. "Balance" is really a second year in sobriety thing to start focusing on. Either way, you are powerless over his addiction. But if you happen to hear stuff like "I don't have time for meetings because I need to balance other things" that is a load of bs.
You know it hit home about what G2B said about what if my sponsor called my SO or my sister about me. I would be quite upset.
a sponsor-sponsee relatinship is supposed to be sacred...inviolable.....this sponsor totally betrayed your son #1 and #2, he is triangulating or trying to triangulate w/YOU.....its none of your business bc your sons recovery is HIS job, not yours..........i am appalled at this sponsor
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
....Awareness of my feelings, Acceptance of my feelings and Right Action. This is a hard situation for you, no doubt about that. Keep working your program of recovery.
I like this, Paula....the 3 A's....gotta put that in my stuff with the slogans, etc.......awareness, acceptance and right action......LOVE that
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I don't know much about sponsor relationships but my first thought was that maybe this sponsor isn't doing so well in their own recovery and they were trying to hand-ball your son back to you? Sounds kinda dodgy and really unfair to you.
Hugz!!
