My days off have been seemingly uneventful and my judgemental side would say "wasted." Laundry didn't get done. The floors are still dirty. The vacuum is still broke; ABF didn't try to fix it as he'd promised, and I didn't stress over it. It's getting cold and the thermostat for the heater is broken, and ABF still hasn't fixed it, or attached the furnace grate back on the wall, the pilot still hasn't been lit. I didn't attempt to clean up after the ABF, and I didn't nag him about any of it. I didn't do anything other than the absolute necessities. And yet, my inner peace and healing has progressed by leaps and bounds. I am truly blessed, a Miracle in Progress, one day at a time .

Before I began this journey in AlAnon, before I accepted that I was a codependent, I used to have my ignorant perceptions of the slogans and jargon, because I had no idea of what it was all about. I had never experienced alcoholism or any type of substance abuse. However, my family had its own sicknesses and terrifying moments when I was small, that shaped me into a codependent. I then repeated the cycle by choosing partners who hurt me in similar ways that I had seen and experienced as a child. The alcoholism was just a bonus with a few of my relationships; however I'm actually thankful now for my so-called mistakes... otherwise I may have never been able to experience the fulfillment and healing of AlAnon.

Now, forgive me if I misuse some terms:

This weekend, for the first time, I was able to experience Clarity and Serenity. I know that reading on here and in books, and practice makes perfect... however, for whatever reason, this weekend really brought it home to me. Normally by today, I would have been in an awful state of mind, frenzied over the lack of working transportation, stressed over bills, frustrated with ABF, yelling and fighting with him....But for some reason, I feel truly peaceful. I've finally accepted that he won't change, and while the prospect of ending our relationship saddens me greatly, I'm moving on. I'm gaining my personal power by giving him back his own power, something I would have never done before. I don't have to struggle and try to hold his hand and drag him where I think he has to go. I understand that it doesn't have to mean it's the end of the line for us. He may change, or he may not, and either way is okay. I'm accepting the possibility that he may need to leave, and yes, it's sad for me, but I'll be okay. He's okay, and I'm okay . I realized that I've been the only one driving myself crazy with the frantic deadlines and mental checklists. I can ask him to leave or I can leave whenever I want. If we don't reach a resolution today, tomorrow, or next week, it's okay... it'll happen when it's time.

Just a little postcard from my journey to true healing. Thanks, love and respect to all of you