-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 4th of November 2013 10:21:16 PM

Hey just because he is an A does not mean he has a free for all on his responsibilities. The main thing that comes to mind is consequences. One could be you choose not to be his friend when he treats you so rudely.

Next time he wants to go out,"hey before we go out would you please fix the fan?" If not, don't go out.

Or simply ask, "Hey when are you going to fix the fan?" And make an appointment.

I have no expectations. I have hope, but if they are not showing up, not doing what they say, it is up to me to live with it and accept them as they are, or stop the friendship. I don't like being with people who are not going to show up. I mean the ones who don't call etc.

It's more what are you going to do?

His income nor yours has zero to do with it. It is another person treating you with disrespect. Hey I am telling you, I would let him know if he wants our relationship to be good, then I need him to do what he says he is going to do.If he doesn't our relationship will change.

Make an app. to have him do it, if he does not show, then the consequence is up to you that you stated to him. I would fix it myself actually and not mess with him after him ignoring the appointment. Believe me your feelings are going to change about him as this bs continues. A good relationship is built, this kind of situation will kill it.

I was putting myself in your place and thought how dare he blow you off like this. I would ask myself, what is it about me that I would put up with this abuse? It should not be that one will keep stepping on another person just becuz they will allow it. What does that say how he feels about you?

My ex A would do anything i wanted. anything. I knew this, I loved him for it but NEVER took advantage of it becuz I would lose respect for him and myself.

He has seen a weakness in you and is taking advantage of it. So what are you going to do? I am famous for saying, "don't you treat me like that, or don't talk to me like that!" I feel like HP made me, and he has given me the tools to make me a better person. I will not allow anyone to hurt a person who is precious to hp, being me! love,debilyn

 

-- Edited by Debilyn on Monday 4th of November 2013 05:43:17 PM

As a fairly new member of Alanon, I am struggling with the concept of limiting our expectations. My qualifier is 27 years sober, so I do not have to deal with the pain of having an active drinker as a partner. However, our relationship and both of our behaviors are very typical of the Alcoholic (him)  and the Enabler (me).  We have been together for about 3 years and after 2 he moved into my home.  One year later we were both miserable and he moved out.  I turned to Alanon and it has been wonderful. We are still "dating" but struggle with some major issues.

Here's what has me upset today (and I am working on this, but realize I need help/support): before he moved out two months ago he accidentally broke a ceiling fan in our bedroom.  Despite many promises to fix it and me only reminding him gently and without any real pressure, it remains broken.  Since he moved out, I have had to come up with a great deal of money to cover the bills.  He is living rent-free at his ex-wife's vacant house. We see each other for "dates" but I am also spending more time on the things that one needs to do to keep up with owning/living in a home.  

The past two weekends I had hoped he would show up and fix the fan that he broke. Instead, one day he decided to go hang out and watch football with a bunch of his younger (he's 53 and they are in their early to mid 20's) AA buddies.   On another, he borrowed another AA buddy's motorcycle and went out riding for several hours. 

I know that I keep hearing that having expectations only leads to resentment, which is exactly what I am feeling now.  It's really hard for me to deal with and process.  How low do we have to set our expectations? 

Anyway, if anyone can share their experience in this area, I would appreciate it. 

Let me re word this part. It came off more sounding like a game rather than a fact. Your fan. Are there any other men (friends, family) that can help you? I noticed when I have someone else do something he is DARN sure to make sure he does it next time

The only reason I ask another person is because I need it done or need something fixed. I can only do so much. It sounded like I was saying I ask another to get him to do it.  That is not my advise LOL It just so happens he wants to be the one to d it.  So I make it clear, I give him until the time he promised then I will get it taken care of, with or without his help.

Hang in there!  You will know when you need to know XOOXX

What I have done when I wanted something fixed where my AH promised for months to do something is this: I tell him, "Honey, I know you're busy and I appreciate that but I really need (insert thing/object here) fixed soon. If you can't get around to doing it by next weekend(or your own chosen date), then I'm going to have to pay someone to come and fix it and that will cost approximately X number of dollars." In your case, I would add that I expect him to pick up the cost of the fix and that you will send him the invoice.

Maybe that's not the nice way to do it, but it helps me take charge of the situation and communicates to AH that I really do want this issue fixed. I've learned how to do all kinds of things myself because AH drops the ball on stuff, and I think a lot of it is because of his ADHD and the alcoholism issue just makes it harder to communicate effectively with him, so it's not easy to get my point across without him getting angry, defensive, etc.

Sending you lots of hugs and support today, I know how frustrating it is!!!

Iwantthingsback wrote:

---

I don't feel there should be zero expectation you would just go around not trusting anyone or always expecting to be let down. But I feel we should not expect too much from others, and when you dont it protects ourselves and builds independence! I think you also have to be careful because if you run around have zero expectation of things, you are acting in a negative manner all the time. I know a couple people like that, and I cant stand being around them.. Because of their zero expectations they are miserable!!! It truly is a very hard task to master! :)

---

 of COURSE there, in my opinion, shodl not be zero expectations, but i was illustrating that if i have to keep lowering my expectations, i just walk away

I DO expect healthy interactions and honest, respect, tolerance, live and let live, morals, values, loyalty from my close humans....as i said, I have the RIGHT to expect   REASONABLY  these things....never perfection and never be dependent on anyone where i am needy.....i want INTER-dependence on each other.

I have very healthy relationships now....we have our reasonable and i say again *reasonable* expectations of each other and it works just fine.

i was saying that w/some folks, now formerly in my life, i found myself having to keep lowering expectations on things of respect and consideration and thus just left the relationship...

I trust my close people....we have each proven over time that that trust is well placed....I emphazie on the *realistic*  expectations...based on working my program and getting healthier, i find me more inter-dependent and that is what is healthier.....yes, i *can* be needy, but it is only temporary,  i think any human who is breathing is gonna be "needy" at some times during illness or great tragedy, or loss or some other negative event that impacts them severely

 

grateful2be wrote:

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For me, broken promises erode trust. I help myself in relationships like this by recognizing the person simply isn't mature enough for me and move on. For me, it isn't the broken something or other. It has more to do with what kind of adult relationships are safe for me and what kind of relationships make me sick. I get sick when I'm with people who can't be trusted to do what they say they're going to do and do it. It's not their fault I get sick. It's one of my non-negotiables in an adult relationship. If most of the time I can't rely on the dependability of a person and I keep going back for more of the same immature behavior in relationship to them, I'm ignoring myself and what I need to trust in the strength and the safety of our relationship. The person isn't a bad person. I'm not a bad or inflexible person. We're just not a match. I can still like them and accept them for who they are. I just can't be in a committed relationship to them because only one of us is capable of it.

---

 DITTO to this post..........to me it is a safety/trust issue.......and trust is a HUUUUGE thing for me...........as one who was betrayed by the most important folks in her life, this is NON negotiable.......i am most forgiving of an honest human mistake, we all make them, but  break my trust??? I am GONE.......end of case....NON negotiable.....trust does not come with a "refill" label on it......like Betty says  "If a person show you who they are believe them"......

I like the saying   hurt me once, shame on you...hurt me twice, shame on me.....there are mistakes that one can 4give and get over and there are character issues that are just NOT , in any way shape or form acceptable to me...

Trust is a HUGE issue for me.....it takes a long time for me to give it.....it only takes one betrayal to kill it.....

The Keyword for me is "Reasonable". My expectations should be reasonable. It is unreasonable to expect a person "under the influence" to act or respond the way a sober person would act. It is unreasonable to expect a 4 year old to act like an adult. Active Alcoholics do not process information the same as other people. When An alcoholic is active there is a chemical that can occur in their brain that is one molecule removed from ether.

That being said other people may not meet my expectations as well. When they don't I must change my assessment or expectation of that person. I can place my trust in any individual, but if that person demonstrates they are untrustworthy it would be foolish of me to continue to expect them to be trustworthy. Just because we care about a person does not mean they can or will live up to our expectations. I do have expectations, one of which is that people will fail to meet my expectations. I expect my employees to come to work on time, I Know that will not be possible or likely in ever circumstance, so what I do is have a consequence and an back up plan for when my expectations are not met. There are consequences for employees who consistently come to work late up to and including termination, as well as a policy for overtime when people are unable to come to work as scheduled.

What serves no purpose is for me to build up resentments regarding the matter. I have boundaries, which are a form of expectation for myself. If a boundary is not respected I have a planned action. For me it's another case of "failing to plan, is planning to fail" if I act or react otherwise.

There is lots to learn... and you will.

And I agree with grateful2be "hey before we go out would you please fix the fan?" If not, don't go out" These are things I do and it works! But try not to break your own serenity doing it ;) My A breaks promises but I don't let them slide, a promise is a promise. XOXOX

Right on pinkchip !!!

GREAT share Ifnotforgrace !  Very good :)

Your post made me smile this morning , I had a similar situation in my home we had a swag lamp that came loose from the ceiling so I removed if and laid it on the floor , asking husb to please fix it , I am ashamed to say it stayed on the floor for almost a yr , I vacuumed around it , moved it often * just in case he didn't see it * and became more and more resentful .  At a meeting one nite some one said if its bothering you fix it yourself if its not let it go .  So the next day I called a friend who came over and had it  hung up in a matter of hrs , I bought him lunch and a hug .  husb came home took one look and said  That looks much better ...sheeeeeeesh ==== so you have a choice  , have it fixed yourself and enjoy orrrrrrrrrrr.  

I think that what really bothered me was that this particular incident is just typical of our relationship as a whole. I was doubting my sanity - one of my biggest shortcomings is that I tend to react too quickly and heatedly. I can and have always done anything I set my mind to do, and I do have family and friends who would be willing to help. My resentment, which is reflective of what I feel in general of so much of our relationship, was that he (my sober ABF - ha! I'm picking up on the terms!) would and will choose frivolity and fun just about 100% of the time over what I consider basic adult responsibilities. He is a good person in so many ways, but our differences leave both of us feeling unhealthy so much of the time. That's what makes the decision to stick with this relationship so difficult - neither one of us is a bad person, we just see life on very different terms. We have wonderful times together when we go out socially, but can't seem to make headway when it comes to the daily grind. For now, being so new to the program, I am taking things one day at a time, leaning on my HP and the wise voices of those of you who have such great words of wisdom.

As far as that fan goes, I gave him a deadline......Thursday! Thanks all.