Having a very hard day - Al-Anon Family Group

Somerset25 · Member

Having a very hard day

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((Somerset))

I experienced something very similar. She's still relatively young in recovery and does not have clear thinking. I remember being told the same thing, and hindsight being 20/20, he was not thinking clearly and did not know that he was not thinking clearly. Of course, the relationship that she's having with this man does not sound healthy and I'm sorry that you have this situation.

Focus on creating a strong support network and lean heavily on Alanon. Toby Rice Drews has an informative book, Getting Them Sober, which explains expectations early in recovery. Please be gentle with you and do your best to breathe and take things one day at a time.

In support

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Somerset,

so glad you have found this site an Al anon.

My partner has been in AA for 4 years and sober this time for 15 months.

Drinking is just the tip of this disease. Infact if I am honest I find earlier sobriety harder. I have heard it called STARK RAVING SOBER. they no longer have their escape hatch and are literally white knuckling it.

In al anon step one tells us we are powerless over them and their recovery or lack of. I hear the fear in your share at hoe powerless you are. WHEN MY PARTNER GOT SOBER FIRST TIME AFTER ABOUT 7 MONTHS HE SAID HE NEEDED SPACE AND i HIT MY ROCK BOTTOM. How could he after all I had done. Well today I am glad this happened because I through myself into my recovery and when he got a little better and realised he had made a mistake by this time I had developed self love and found my HP.

All I can suggest is to develop your support network in Al anon get top as many meetings as possible. Detach from your wifes behaviour and put the focus on your recovery best you can. read, pick up the phone, come on here, get to conventions if you can , open AA meetings. Have you done any step work, do you havea sponsor. It really does work as alomg as you are an al non member you are never alone.

sending you lots of hugs , you are important too, GO FIND YOURSELF.

tracy xxxxx

Tasha · Senior Member

I'm so glad you're here and reaching out. Bravo for you!

I guess as a recovering alcoholic and alanon member I see things a tad different. Of course in alanon, we hear resounding voices that proclaim how 'off' the alcoholic is due to PAWS for up to 18 months depending on their overall health and duration and severity of drinking time. But I just don't completely buy into that. My PAWS was noticeable, but I too felt like I was thinking clearer than I ever had around 7 months. The brain is healed according to brain scans after about 4 months if she is just an alcoholic. It's another story with drugs. The rest of the stuff in PAWS is so wide range from person to person and depends on SO many things like other mental health issues. For someone with just plain ol' alcoholism - most of PAWS is no different than the average person functioning on less than 6 hrs of sleep. That's half the country. I hate to pin all bad behavior on PAWS because that disease is looking for any "in" and any excuse, and we as alanons, are looking for any excuses too when we get here. I'm not big on excuses. I don't condone bad behavior paws or no paws. We are here to learn to be accountable for our actions in my opinion.

The body has an incredible capacity to heal itself. While your alcoholic is learning a ton right now, I wouldn't do any extra babying or putting up with affairs or thinking she's just not thinking straight. That's not healthy for you. What's healthy for HER, is a healthier YOU - and while I totally get why and how hard this is, you gotta remember that you CAN recover and live a healthy life. There are a ton of healthy fish in the sea. Even alcoholics in recovery - we don't hear about them here in alanon, because we sure didn't come here to talk about how lovely our alcoholics are - but when you look at the bigger picture and not just the alanon picture - it's not all as doom and gloom as what it appears here. We are only focusing and talking about the ones creating havok. So it seems like all alcoholics - but it's not. After being around a while - it seems like the whole world could use a program! But really - there are normal healthy people out there, and having healthy relationships can be in reach for you.

You and your alcoholic deserve health and happiness. Finding your way through this with the help of the slogans and the steps will allow you to know you are loved and supported and never have to be alone again with alanon on your side. Please keep coming back, and keep reaching out - you deserve all the best. xxxx

Somerset25 · Member

Thank you for the kind words Bud and Tracy!

@Tracy -- I've only been in Al Anon a very short time (6 meetings) so haven't begun doing any step work and don't have a sponsor yet. I will try to be more constructive and focused on positive things with my time. I know she is still texting the man from her AA group and I had opportunity again today to read the texts and confront my wife, but I didn't. I see that as the first time I have been able to "Let Go & Let God". I just prayed that God show me the right path, which I hope includes having our family whole.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, S25. Glad to see you on the board. Also glad you're willing to go to Al-Anon meetings. My A got involved with somebody in AA. That sent him off recovery and right back to drinking and drugging. He hasn't returned to full participation in AA or NA since that tailspin. I'm not saying that will happen with your wife, but I do think that your working your program in Al-Anon will be a greater help to you than all the text reading will do. It will also help you re-establish yourself with people who will treat you with respect and care. Her clarity may work for her, but it doesn't seem to be working well for you. I'm sorry that you've had this disappointing turn of events in relationship to your newly recovering spouse. Please keep coming back.

I'm also wondering if anybody can tell me and maybe S25 what PAWS refers to? I've never heard of it before now. Thanks.

Tasha · Senior Member

www.interventionctr.com/paws.htm

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi, it sounds like you have been thru some very painful things. I like that someone said be gentle with yourself. I know what it is like to be a walking wound.

This time of limbo is surely the hardest. It's important to take each day and do your best, not getting too far ahead of the situation. We do know AW is very mixed up right now being so early in her recovery.

When one is in recovery, another opposite sex relationship is counter productive, but we have no control over that. Your not confronting is a great idea and not easy. If you bring it up she will care more that you were snooping.

As far as the future taking ONE day and living it, is best. It's a very unbalanced time. I am not sure what made her tell you about the guy. In my world that is cheating and of course it has to hurt you like crazy.I am telling you in my experience, you trying to get or stay close, or wanting counseling, or trying to get her to do anything will push her away more.When someone is getti into a recovery program, they usually look at what they want to change. They have not been in control of their life for so long.Its so easy to get mixed up as far as what they want.

Plus just not drinking is nothing. There are so many other symptoms, selfishness, lying, manipulating, not considering others feelings. Addicts do not think like non addicts, never will. we cannot think like them either.

Usually they have no self love. What this does is makes it impossible for them to love anyone else.

For me, I learned what they are going to do is their business, their disease is their own. i have no control over it, and have no part in it at all. Its not personal, they are sick. so I choose to work on me and do not want to talk about their disease.

If the A says something, I might say oh really. or so what do you think you will do? or wow I am so sorry you have to deal with this.You want to say, but it is my problem, we are married, I have to live with this. sorry nope. We did not cause it, we cannot change it or control it.

What she does is her own business. If she chooses to cheat, write hurtful things about you, gives you no affection, does not want to work on things, it is up to you to decide if you want to be with her as is. or not.

You can take the time you need. I would not think about splitting up. Not ask what she wants to do. She has NO idea. She is very, very sick. Its like she had a broken arm alll the time she has been using. now the cast is off, she has to learn to use it all over again.

She is very broken!

We have to think about our self, what we need, what we can give to ourselves. I am sure your kids are mixed up, hurt. You may want to do more things with them. Just listen and talk. Can be about nothing. You may want to get them books about addiction. There are good ones for kids. Help them to ask you any questions. They will follow how you are. Getting them sober volume one helped me and still does. Its an amazing book. I would not be concerned about your not having your kids live with you. That is probably a long ways off before that comes up or not.

I hope you find coming here helps you. there is pm you can always use also. meetings in the chat room. sincerely,debilyn

Somerset25 · Member

Thank you so much everyone!

@Tasha -- I hadn't heard about PAWS before, and I do see so many of the symptoms in my wife. Very interesting reading!

@Debilyn -- Your words really ring true for me! And your advice is great -- concentrate on today, on myself and my kids. What my wife does, she does. It is going to take a lot of inner strength and letting go, but I have to do it. I just started reading Getting Them Sober, and so far it's been very helpful. As far as the kids, I actually think they've been pretty well shielded from everything as they are young (almost 7, 5, 3), but I may be naive to think that. Despite all of our issues, both my wife and I are very loving parents and try very hard to do what's right for the kids (alcoholism not withstanding).

Somerset25 · Member

One of the things I'm really struggling with again today is the knowledge that deep in my heart, I want to salvage our marriage and keep our family together. But knowing every day that my wife is out there building a relationship with this man from AA and not wanting to have anything to do with ours. I know she's in contact with him. Do I just ignore it? What if they start meeting up and having sexual relations? Do I still ignore it then?

I'm also struggling with the fact that her AA sponsor has told her that she shouldn't be having any contact with this man. And then she (sponsor) found out that my wife had been texting him and seeing him and the sponsor almost stopped being her sponsor because my wife was lying to her. She told her to stop any contact with the man, but my wife hasn't listened, obviously. Do I have the obligation to let her sponsor know that she's doing something detrimental to her recovery? I know it sounds self serving, but at the end of it all I really do want my wife to recover from alcoholism and to be healthy. And if this relationship is happening "behind the scenes" and it causes her to relapse, I'd feel terrible that I knew and didn't let the people that could help (sponsor) know. Just me trying to be controlling? Or should I disclose it?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

As a sponsor myself, I wouldn't be open to contact from a spouse. Maybe other sponsors see this differently, but since my job is to guide a person through the steps, etc, my primary responsibility would be to the person I'm sponsoring. Your wife's behaviors are her business. If she is lying to her sponsor, the consequence for that is between the sponsor and your wife. You are not responsible for your wife's disease or the ramifications of it. She is. As a recovering codependent myself, I have learned that this disease can destroy me, too. It is important for me to be honest with myself about that and take the Al-Anon medicine. I am not immune to the disease's effects and the resultant loss of myself as I focus more and more on what the A should do, is doing or might do. Without Al-Anon and my own sponsor and fellowship, I'd be spinning my wheels in an ever-deepening quick sand. I'm not sure if you're attending Al-Anon meetings or have a sponsor, but I hope you are and do. That help can make all the difference in the world for you.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.