Well, I'm living with my parents and niece (and her two month old) for the moment. Got a new job. My brothers children came over today and played with my children. I was very calm and peachy keen until I took a break in a room.

I then heard my niece say " ...are a pain, especially Abram". She was frustrated and speaking with her husband on the phone.

Now Abram is my "unique" child with ADHD. He's loud, he's impulsive...but he has the biggest heart and I myself have to be easy on him since he does raise my pressure. Last week I had to defend him because the neighborhood kids were outcasting and avoiding him.

Anyhow, I go up to my niece and asked her why she was telling whoever she was on the phone with about "Abram being a pain". She reacted with a "you get offended about everything" instead of apologizing."they are running around and wont let the baby sleep" she said.

So I stayed silent and went outside to tell the kids to be quiet. Then she comes outside with he rest of us with a pissed off face and "I told her that I quieted the kids down by now."  to which she responded "You get offended about everything" again.

That's when I got furious and told her "We all know what my son is, but you do not need to express your frustration the way you just did" and left to try to calm my steam.

I cried a bit and was so upset about her bitchiness towards me. When I thought I calmed down, I went to where the rest of the family was again....My (ill) father was there, my mother, my sis in law, the children.....my brother is hugging her trying to explain to her why I was angry and she started again "I don't know why you get so offended...." instead of an apology.

I blew up like a volcano. I told her "For that little boy I'll do anything, and I'll F***** punch you in the face if I have to if you talk that way again to me!!!" My brother, shoved me to the bathroom. I thought he would punch me himself for the threat I gave myself. I felt as if I was watching myself. I told him that I  was tired of people seeing me as a doormat telling me whatever the crap they wanted.

I DO go to a psychologist, I'm starting work, but I need to accept that my children will be adults and be criticized by many people....they got to be resilient. I'm not proud of myself at all for the way I reacted today.

I'm a lot calmer now because I feel horribly that I did this in front of my sick dad. I wish I could've handled this situation differently. My niece started crying and went from "bitchy" to "victim"....and It's been about an hour ago that this happened. She said she does not want to talk again to me. That she just wants to "stay away" because she does not know what to expect from me; she wont even look me in the eye and I think I scared her.

I do NOT want to be a threat to anyone. I want to heal better but today I just didn't expect to react this way as I just didn't see this coming. I wasn't Hungry, Alone, Lonely, or Tired (HALT).....it just "happened".  Anyhow, I guess this was an issue I really didn't see coming. Keep coming back, one day at a time.

 

I can see how telling somebody you're going to punch her in the face could scare her? I can also see how the tension can mount inside us and we're not even aware of it until it explodes within us and outside us. The trigger that you overheard while she talked with her husband might have been the final straw for you in a string of disappointments and difficult changes? My sister - many years ago - told me that I had to decide if I wanted to be consistently loving or consistently grouchy. That I confused people because I wasn't predictably loving or predictably grouchy. What I was back then was a person who sucked up insults, down stroking, violence and denied their impact on me. I was a stockpiler who didn't address issues when they happened and kept things in for years and years. I didn't need food. I didn't need sleep. I didn't need friends. I did need to address the deep anger I felt at being on the receiving end of a disease that eroded my self-confidence, self-love, self-respect. I didn't threaten people, but I did tell people off and then slammed the door on any type of reconciliation with them. And when I told them off, it came as a surprise to some because they had no idea how I was truly thinking or feeling. They thought everything was fine or okay with me. Your final sentence seems to be the solution that is yours for now. To keep coming back, one day at a time. It took us a long time to get to a place where we notice that our reactions are not helpful and can be very hurtful to us and to others. It will take time to make changes that are healing and helpful to us. You're making progress. That's the best you can do for now. Sending you and your family lots of prayers and understanding.

It's ok...it happens.  When I blow, I find it best to be with all of my feelings for a bit, check in with HP to show me my part in it, let my heart soften, then make my amends.  I then leave the rest to HP and get on with my business of being the best me I can be at the time. 

 

 

I love this post Rose...the way you started and how your processed to other solutions with the help of the family...That's mentorship for me...if I follow how you did it and use the suggestions you got I will do better.  That is how the program worked for me.  Hotrod's suggestion of a 10th step ("Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promply admitted it") was and still is now a great tool and you have done that...maybe by now you have also done the admission part with her and the rest of the family.   I use to think that doing that would be like "eating crow" and it wasn't.  It calmed me sooo much by being personally responsible for "my" part.  You are not the cause of it all...it is only "your" part that bothers the most...the guilt and the shame.  If you've done the steps you already have the experiences that come from working them well...the affect is awesome mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. If you haven't done the steps yet this could provide urgency; motivation.  Don't discount where you come from.  You come from abuse, pain, hurt, and many other negative conditions.  Go do the inventory a bit deeper than you have here and see what that is all about. and yes...don't beat up on yourself either.   ((((hugs))))