The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In support and encouragement for you here: I've struggled with this big time (and still do at times). Having so much love for the other person which is fine.....however..you need just as much love for yourself and are an individual too. I think you realize that just fine and that's why you are here. What do you enjoy? who is "bluecloud" What is your identity and what you want to do with your life as a person? I try to remember my childhood dreams and focus on things I like that's what helps with me. Maybe sightseeing in this new town will help?
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Sunday 3rd of November 2013 09:14:27 PM
I could really use some encouragement to LIVE (and let live!). My partner is extraordinarily busy with full-time work and part-time school and I am finding myself at loose ends. And, by loose ends, I mean bored, frustrated (with her schedule), and resentful. It has been very hard for me not to personalize it and feel like she is choosing other things over me. I work full-time, too, and I am also very busy, so I relish my down time and am disappointed when we don't have mutual downtime to spend together. When I am single, I do great on my own, and when I am in a couple I do great together. It's this weird alone-together that I REALLY struggle with. I have been in tears several weekends in a row now, we've been fighting over her lack of time to spend with me, etc. The situation is complicated by the fact that we live in a new area and I have yet to make new friends.
Regardless, I am ready for a change in ME.
I could use some help and ESH to get out of my stink in' thinkin' so that I stop taking it so personally and feeling so abandoned.
My experience with addicts and their ilk is that I was pretty much on my own even when we were "together." So first off, this may be something real to notice. People who can't handle much intimacy often escape into busyness as well as into addiction. That would be a legimate beef.
That said, it is what it is, and whatever happens in time, you shouldn't need to wait to be happy. Just saying that one thing that helped me was thinking, "If this is really not working for me, I don't need to be stuck in it for the rest of my life. But that decision will become clearer. For now, I'm going to plunge into things that I like doing."
I am dealing with similar issues on weekends, what comes to mind is fake it till you make it. Maybe force yourself to get out, join a meetup group or something. I am getting there slowly as the isolation has taken a toll and I can't live waiting for someone else to show up for me that isn't there right now.
Good luck, this is very hard.
For me part of the frustration is always knowing that "for that I am responsible" statement in our declaration puts the solution right where it belongs. I was soooo frustrated with that perception when I was early on in program and going thru what you were going thru also...being isolated and feeling that "I can't" change it...I said that to the wrong sponsor (mine) on one whine binge and he gave me another perspective..."It isn't that you can't Jerry F, It's really that you won't". That gave me the true perspective that I was wanting someone else to be responsible for my happiness and sadness rather than to do it myself. Listen, learn, practice, practice, practice. I went to more meetings and the meetings after the meetings (coffees) and built up some solid friendships as a group rather than "sitting on the shoulders of my alcoholic/addict tapping on her head saying Hello!! ...remember me"? I was also asked "does she take you as a dependent on her taxes"? and that helped me see the picture more clearly. There are always reasons not to do a thing as they are to do it. How important is ...is one of my favorite inventory (10th step slogans...when I'm inventoring motives)slogans. I hope this supports some. Read you post and see how it looks like for you. ((((hugs))))
Early on in my marriage, I became so sad and frustrated, waiting and waiting to be a priority, and I never was. She told me straight our that she would be with me when she wasn't working. Even that became a lie, as she got involved with an affair of the heart, drinking, lying, and she seemed to be happiest when drinking and not with me. I can recall one XMas vacation begging her to make some time for me. Over the years, I stopped expecting her to spend time with me, and that certainly helped my disappointment factor. However, it also put a wall between us that she complains about! Why am I not close to her? I am learning now to feel happy regardless of what she is doing. I have people that love me and plenty of things that I enjoy doing. I'm not waiting for her so I can be happy. I will be happy now, Lyne
One of the things that has helped me when I feel left out of someone's life is to remember that my day has been planned for me in love by my HP. It's startling to me how my thoughts and feelings change from that of sensing a lack to seeing how full my day really is when I believe that thought - that my day has been planned for me in love by my HP. And often, the very people I'm missing show up in some way for me that day or soon after. I don't know if what works for me will work for you, but I wanted to share it anyway.
I have to agree with all of the posts here, but what about an alanon meeting in this new town? Have you been to any yet? THat will probably help as well. (((Hugs))) I understand the alone-together concept. Getting out of my head and doing something for another has been the most helpful for me.
I am very independent thatnks to al anon and do believe that I am no longer emeshed with my sober ABF. I think it is normal to want to have some quality time with a loved one but sometimes life gets a bit busy. I have sat and spoke with my partner about this as I identify mu feelings today and they matter. My partner is busy at the moment this time of year in his work is crazy.
I have expressed my needs , yet I have listened to his reply. HE does love me its just life getting in the way. We have planned in couple time in our crazy diaries, its only a little time but that is all we have. Thank you for posting this I was starting to go with the stinking thinking too, but I do not go with it long.
I have lots of al anon friends today so I suppose this gives me more time for them.
I have done lots of work on myself and identified that because my mother was co dependent she never had much time for me, I felt unimportant. So when my partner is unavailable it triggers old feelings. It is my stuff not his , thanks again for the reminder, think I need to do some amends.
Hi & thank you so much for sharing this. I can understand what you are feeling - I posted just a few hours ago. The story was a little different, but our feelings are the same. I am reading all of the replies and they are helping a lot. My sober partner spends a great deal of time doing what makes him happy and often that means that I am not in the picture. I am an Alanon newbie & find that going to meetings help so much. But I still have a long way to go in deciding whether to accept whether I really want to feel abandoned as often as I do. Sure, there are things I can do to fill up my time. I just don't want to feel like we are living completely parallel lives. One of the replies to your post talked about knowing that our HP has a plan for us all. For me, thinking about my HP and making it to a meeting seem to help me get a jump start on getting rid of the "why me" that I tend to fall back on. Thanks for sharing.
-- Edited by PIK on Monday 4th of November 2013 05:24:56 PM
when i am "left out" of a person's life, i step back...assess my expectations and work on me, do a quickie step 10 and then i eval the relationship...do I feel in my heart that this is a match???? do i want as things are now, to spend the rest of my life with this person????? am i with them out of some need??? OR bc it is a mutual want.........can i communicate things with them peacefully???? just some eval ???s AND i ask me am i doing stuff for myself, taking care of me and not being too needy with them???? its OK if it is not working..it just means mis-match....no worries...u decide after honestly looking at yourself and your expectations, wants, needs, etc., what to do......and i agree with Mattie....you don't have to wait to be happy.....we have to make our own happiness.....work and school are important to your mate, obviously and a lot of a load.....maybe a nice sit down chat to work out a time where it is "you and me time" can be established.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks you guys!!! So many great ideas here that really helped me:
1. Love the God designs my day thought - what a perspective changer :)!!!
2. Look at the triggers from the past and identify them - so on the money! I have felt like my needs aren't important while growing up, it's hard not to time warp and bring those feelings into the present.
3. Yes, new Alanon meetings! Absolutely great idea. Working on finding them in my new town.
4. Focusing on my childhood dreams and sightseeing in my new town. I decided to buy a guidebook for my new town and do the things that seem enjoyable in the book. AND, I decided to add some new hobbies.
5. Taking full responsibility for my happiness. I so don't want to believe this :) BUT trying to do my best to really BELIEVE this.
6. Not waiting for happiness, fake it til you make it, etc. all good points I will implement.
Thank you for your help and reminder that recovery is about me!
