The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, yes, again. My AH cant seem to do anything with others from his work. I realize that he tried and succeeded in not drinking at the beginning of the month when he went to science camp with his coworkers, but this one night seminar this weekend was just too much I guess. My concern is that he drove with our daughter again. Only a few blocks, but he did again. I told him that he cannot continue to do this and he made it past 60 days this time, but I guess he's gotta start over again. I'm so torn inside. I just want things to move forward. I know that he's an alcoholic. But my life has become more insane, and that is with my job, not with his drinking until today. I'm trying very hard to do something that will change my job, so that I am not under the stress of it. That included a seminar today and tomorrow that I paid for. Now I have the difficulty of making arrangements for our daughter, again, because he is not trustworthy. Because he is ill. I'm just so tired of this. And yet, I can't see how leaving him really makes things much better. Then I have the stress of being a single parent, and dealing with the pain of my daughter. SHe is only 9. I think this time I am going to bring her into the not driving with dad. I didn't want to put that on her. It doesn't seem fair. But he cannot help himself with this disease. If something happens to her, I may have to go to jail because of what I would do to him. I just can't take the stress anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone. My heart hurts.
Do you have a meeting? Nobody should have to go through this without support and the tools of Al-Anon. There is also the saying "Nothing changes if nothing changes."
In Al-Anon we don't give advice (unless there is physical danger) but instead share our experience. Mine is that I could not trust my AH not to drive with our child -- if he had a chance, he would go ahead and drive drunk, because he never believed he was impaired. So basically I had two children to take care of, my real child and him. He was the harder child. Eventually, after he had endangered our child again, I myself did leave. Our child was 3. For me the peace started immediately, even though I'd been afraid.
Everyone's experience and situation is different. I hope you'll go to lots of meetings and get support and tools. Take good care of yourself.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this, especially when his actions can so greatly endanger your daughter. I understand that you would feel guilty for leaving your husband, but if you do, you may be surprised that your daughter may not be angry with you for leaving him.
Reality is hard in alanon we have the three A's awareness , acceptance and action.
I slowley realise my A could not parent the kids because he couldnt even take care of himself. therefore i had to take action to ensure they had everything they needed.
Your partner is trying to stop (great)!!!
My partner joined AA 4 years ago he was sober 6 months, Slipped, then 9 months then slipped this time he has been sober 15 months he has a job and goes to AA regularly.I only see brief glimpses of the diseae today.
All through that I was a single mum, he could not be trusted but I stayed because he was in AA and trying, plus I had al anon where i learnt he was ill and it wasnt as simple as him not caring.
but i had to do my own work. go to meetings, read, find a hp, learn the part i was playing.
Your daughter is 9, I told my children that the A was sick and today they understand they have seen him get better in AA. Whether you stay with your husband or not is your choice no one can advise you. He will always be your daughters dad, educating her about alcoholism in an age approriate manner I believe is a good thing but this is just my opinion (take what you like leave the rest. If she new it was dangerous to travel with daddy when he was drunk it could save her life.
Alcoholism is a terrible disease al anon educates us about this disease and how it affects the drinker, ourslves, children and eceryone else. They say in al anon do not make any discions in first 6 months are minds are a mess with all the stress and drama, slowly we get some clamness and peace then we can make choices that are from a good state of mind.
When I feel that tired, its time to get out and do something other than focus on the A, the drama, and decisions I need to make. Focusing on something entirely different than my family situation sometimes helps me hear a solution I hadn't considered before I let go of the problems or challenges that troubled me. Practicing HALT helps. Sending you lots of encouragement and support.
Thank you all for the support. I made arrangements for my daughter today, which made my AH annoyed due to his relapse. I went to my all day class, and called him on my drive home to see what he did. Surprised, but not, that he did nothing all day except be hungover and watch football. I called an alanon for support and told her what I then did next. I called him back and told him that I needed him to show me that he was going to do something. It was not ok, and I needed some effort on his part. He had all day to do something, and I needed him to do something to show me that he was actively trying to stay sober, not just go to the meeting in the morning (as in Monday morning) because that was more comfortable for him and he could finish his wallowing. I told him it was unfair to behave like that with me and his daughter, especially as beating himself up wasn't doing anything productive but staying in his own head. He told me he would tell me his plan when I got home.
Well, when I got home, he said there was a meeting at 8pm, this was at 5:30. So I proceeded to make dinner, we ate watching a DIY show (my 9 year old is obsessed with these shows!), and he was kicking back in the chair "settling" in. I asked him to help me with the dishes, as I had cooked and I didn't want to do everything. Then I put my daughter upstairs in the bath. It was now almost 7:40. He came upstairs and moved tired and slow and sat down and told me he was beat and wanted to just go to bed. I told him he was still just hung over, and that he had to do something. At the very minimum, call someone.
Well, he is now pissed at me, but he went (I believe) to a meeting. Whether he did or not is on him, I'm just glad he got out and I didn't have to resent him any more. It was hard though, standing my ground on him doing something. I am sick of the scenario, and I'm not going to let him just do what he wants. He says he wants sobriety, but I do not see anything consistent. I don't want to leave. I don't want him to leave. When he's sober and working a program, things are good and were getting better. I am tired of the excuses, though, and I'm not being mean. I'm just not letting him dictate the rules.
Now I cannot have him drive my daughter, again, unless I know for sure he hasn't been drinking. As in, he can drive her to school in the mornings only at this point. So, if we need to get a babysitter so that I can get to my al-anon f2f in the evenings on the same ones that he is at his meetings, well, that's what we have to do. (Unfortunately, his and mine are on the same nights). He doesn't want to spend the money. Well, I didn't want to have to go to as many meetings either. But I need it for my sanity. As hard as this was, I feel better. I don't feel angry at him for drinking, I understand his pain and difficulty with it. It is a horrible, progressive disease. But I cannot and will not tolerate him driving with her drunk. As Mattie mentioned, it is the same with my AH. He does not believe that he is impaired.
Thank you again. I feel better. I feel like I am not alone. I actually feel some hope.
Oh, yes, grateful2be, what does HALT stand for again?
Denial is part of the process, The alcoholic is in denial that there is a problem and the Nonner is in denial thinking we can "do something" to make them see the problem. While we are powerless we are not helpless. Setting boundaries for ourselves ( which are not rules for the A's) is a reflection of our self-respect & is reasonable for us to do. We can also QTIP (Quit Taking it Personally) as opposed to believing the A's behaviors are done expressly to cause us grief. We must detach (separate the person from the alcoholism). We must set our expectations to a reasonable level, & act accordingly. It is not reasonable to expect an alcoholic to be a responsible, dependable partner nor parent.
If we were dealing with an Alzheimer's patient we would have no such expectations. It is my experience that Alzheimer's and Alcoholism have many similarities and present caregivers with many of the same challenges. We must practice self-care lest we become drained be the process ourselves. There is nothing selfish about self-care. We may have to take our moments as we can and it does not have to be anything elaborate. One of the things that helps me is to have some dedicated me time. I have made a morning ritual out of coffee time which I combine with Prayer & Mediation time. I have a separate space (a former storage space Closet in the garage) that I have set aside as my Serenity Area. I keep a cd player, some uplifting or happy soothing CD's, my daily readers, God Box and my serenity notebook, (Which contains my gratitude, victory & other lists, Step 3,7 & 11 prayers, affirmations, quips & quotes, Slogans and pictures of nature or other serene images) as well as some scented candles & incense in there and I use them ALL to start out my day. The way I start my day sets the tone for my attitude. I often find myself humming the last tune that played on the CD in my head all day long. I see the things in my notebook (a 3 ring binder, filled with the afore mentioned items inside sheet protectors) daily as a just flip through..but it arms my mind with pre-packaged responses that redirect or diffuse conflict, and equip me to deal with difficult people while at the same time allowing me to experience serenity.
Find something that works for you that you can incorporate into your daily routine, make it a habit and part of your self-care program and I assure you your circumstances will improve as your attitude improves. I am a firm believer that the nonner must be among other things our own cheerleaders and that this helps us participate in our own recovery. (YANA).
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IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
