The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I bottom lined it for A. Told him he needs to leave.
He decides to go into detox centre for a week. (Support his decision in that...but....)
I took the little one to see him tonight. He asked. I thought okay I can do this.
All of his things are still here.
I asked what his plans were upon leaving the centre. He looked at me puzzled and replied"Come home of course"
Sigh.....I didnt respond. I left and needed time to think.
The problem. I dont trust him. I still question the communication with this woman from where he works. I wonder what is to stop him from calling her while he is at this centre and how would I know if she has gone to visit him? Whether he actually is or not is irrelevant. I am questioning it. This is not okay. The detox centre is only a bandaid for the time being.
So I have till Thursday to figure out how it is I am going to stick to my program. Recovery is establishing my self love. I loved me enough to say enough. I love me enough to know that I deserve better. I thought I was off the merry go round. Why am I looking to jump back on?
Any ESH at this point would be greatly appreciated.
Are you looking to jump back on the merry-go-round or have you been faced with a new decision to make with the help of your HP? You made a decision that he had to leave. He did. He went to detox for a week. Doesn't mean he'll enter rehab and a recovery program. What I really liked reading in your share is that you didn't react when he said his plans were to come home after detox. You decided to take time to think about the next right thing to do for you and for your little one. Good that you have a program to help you make another decision. When we change one thing, there are then other things that crop up and call for sharing, prayer and guidance. That doesn't mean to me that we're jumping back on the merry-go-round. It just means things are changing. You'll be able to make a well-thought out decision on this issue just like you did before he went to detox. Lots of encouragement and support for you.
i don't have a lot of ESH, but I have to commend you for not answering and waiting to respond. Trust in your HP, and good for you for getting online and for taking the time. You are in a hard place, and I totally can relate right now. Please keep us posted on how you do. (((Hugs)))
I relate to the replies also Mari. We don't get this overnight. What we do get gets to crowd out the other stuff we do that doesn't work and then we get new tools. The disease is full of manipulations and control and as suggested taking the time to think what gets placed in front of you is proper...take the time and think and then make the decision you want to follow thru on or maybe even change later. We're not the only ones that suffer from denial...they do also. "I don't trust him" is good and to act as if I a good response to that. I learned with my sponsor what I call "qualified trust" as a result of work at not putting responsibility on the shoulders of my alcoholic/addict wife that she would not be able to fulfill and then set herself up for failure and set me up for another resentment. If you don't have you, you can't have your own life. Stay with and in your program...stay with your sponsor...work this as suggested and you will continue to be a miracle in progress. ((((hugs))))
Mari - I'm not sure what suggestions to give you. I do a lot of family sessions at the rehab I work at with wives who are on the cusp of leaving their husbands. Same as on this board, it's not so much the actual drinking or drug use that bothers them the most, it is the lies, deceit, and value shift that occur when substances take over a person's moral compass.
Does he have a counselor at the detox or is it only medical detox? This would be the time when the person needs a dose of reality and it's a rare spot where he is surrounded by professionals so the "intervention of sorts" is better to happen now in the form of a family session where he is told the effects of his disease.
It basically involves being true to yourself and getting this stuff on the table whether he can process it fully or not:
1. Yes it is largely about your drinking
2. Sobering up doesn't fix it all instantly
3. It's about how your drinking warped your values
4. It's about you perverting the honesty and trust in our relationship (booze or not)
5. It's about me losing respect for you
6. It's about me not believing you will stick with recovery and not deserving or being able to go through this repeatedly
7. You have so much more work to do than just stopping drinking
8. I need a husband I trust - What kind of program are you going to work to make these changes? Do you understand or even want to make the changes?
That cuts to the chase and you can decide from there. Of course they will say they want to change and what not but you can tell sincerity. If the response is "what do you want me to do?" and "I swear....blah blah!!" it's all basically lies. If the response is a crying breakdown and then some discussion of how he is disgusted with himself....theres a greater chance of some meaningful change....but still iffy.
