The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You know that saying 'if it walks and talks like a duck, then its a duck?' To me, for where I am in my life right now, this is so meaningful. Its all about the truth, you know, just the basic facts. Not my own definition or interpretation of the truth just the bare facts that actually equal the truth.
I'm 42 now and I look back to see why I stayed in denial with an alcoholic for my whole adult life. I was with my A in some form or other since I was 14. I was attracted to this boy who was a bit dangerous and in need of saving. Lots of young girls do find this attractive, the difference between them and me were all the warning signs and just bare of facts that kept being presented to me throughout my teen years and I just chose to ignore, justify, plain lie to myself. I wanted to be with him even when my Mother banned me from seeing him, he was stealing from her, it was clear even then that he had real problems and he used alcohol from such an early age. Of course, this made him even more attractive to me, not sure why, maybe my own disorders or issues kept me in this. Anyway, babies were born early in our twenties and then things got serious.
My priorities changed in my twenties, I wanted little house on the prairie, of course he just wanted to continue the same road, so that's when it became crucial to deny the bad things, bury them somewhere in my subconscious, put them in a box marked 'danger -do not open' I wanted a Father for my children and I was not going to face the bare facts that he was never, ever going to be that man. So I manipulated people, things to try and fit them into what I wanted, when they wouldn't fit I would plead, beg, force etc and when that wouldn't work I would fake it - make sure the kids were perfectly dressed, behaved in public, you know all the superficial parts of family life were well taken care of. However, it was all a lie, we were all unhappy, becoming more and more damaged.
In my thirties, the consequences of all this mess came crashing down on our family. My kids reached teen years and didn't want to play the game anymore, so things got out of control. We split up and the family were torn apart in a way. I spent my thirties running from the consequences. I spent a lot of time in confusion, I couldn't understand why things were falling apart, I had been a good mother and wife, look how I had held it all together, why was this happening to me? I ran to various things, studying, now I was good at that, anything to validate me in fact.
Not until I reached my forties, when I finally reached the point of surrender, did I find my seat in alanon, thats a year and a half of truths coming to me. I can face them now and they keep coming. Its like an awakening, like I have been asleep for all these years. I am amazed at this. I look back and the truth was there all along for me to see and now and again things got bad and I could see the truth but I ignored it, I didn't trust myself, my thoughts, my A had a hand in this, he worked on this as it kept his own denial alive so when i would speak the truth he would talk me down and I would allow it. It suited us both really and that is why I must work on forgiveness because I must forgive both of us. This was all a joint effort and my anger keeps the lie alive in a way because while Im blaming him I have my eyes closed to the truth again and I don't want to spend anymore of my precious, short life in denial again. I want to face the truth of life, my life. I want to be happy in my forties, its becoming clear to me that my forties is about change, turning it all around. Living in the real world, all of it, not just the parts I want to live in. I have hope for the first time thanks to Alanon, I am so grateful for that. I slip back, in and out, and of course I do. I have spent so long in this flawed mindset that it will take the rest of my life to work through with constant slips, this is the duck - just the bare facts nothing else. Thanks for listening.
As I read your share I could readily identify with the thoughts and feelings that you expressed. I always marvel how I can so easily connect with alanon members and believe that this is why alanon sharing is so powerful and why the program works..
I have always said that my life began at 40 ( I found alanon and it all came together because I stopped using denial and pretend as my go to tools ) and got better at 50.
Keep on working your program" The Best is yet to Come "
I so understand this. My story is very similar. All the warning signs were there from the very beginning, but I also chose to ignore, deny, lie. Just now, a little over a year in Alanon, I can start to see all the ways I've continued to live in this false reality. My eyes are opening. I honestly don't know what the future will bring, but for the first time, I'm seeing my life as it is, not as I wish it to be.
Thank you so much, elcee, for your share. Forgiveness, for me, came when I could accept that I did the best I could with what I had to work with as did my x. Neither of us were perfect and both of us had been affected by a disease over which we were powerless that started in childhood and had been passed down for generations. Of course, neither of us knew that at the time. The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. It gets hidden like added sugar in a cereal bowl that is mixed with milk and grain. Once I recognized that an "enemy" - alcoholism - had hurt us both - I could turn my attention to healing from its toxic effects on my personhood. Now, when I look back I notice how what happened in my life was inevitable. All of it. Just like I had no control over which of the 300,000 eggs I was born with would end up becoming human beings, I had no control over how my life unfolded. I thought I did. Now, I know I didn't. Learning to play with the cards I've been dealt has gotten easier for me. I suspect it is going to get easier for you, too. You are a beautiful woman, el-cee. Your character shines through all your posts for me. I love seeing you willing to let go of that anger and blame that most of us can say we've experienced. (((ec)))
Thanks for the feedback, Hotrod, its great to hear that the best is yet to come and I do believe that. Its like tearing down walls that I have built around myself so as long as I keep going with my program I will keep seeing the truth.
Paris, I have watched your progress on here and its amazing to me, you have probably watched mine. I am no longer with my AH and in some ways it is easier, the problems for me is that my 20yr old son is now showing the same old signs of alcoholism. He is much like his father so I guess im still in the disease. The good thing is I dont have to do the same things, although I actually do find myself doing them, I can admit this and see it for what it is. I have awareness its the acceptance and action part i struggle with in terms of my son. My AH is becoming more a part of my history and that is allowing me to open up to what our relationship was, when it comes to my son, I am accepting that he will never be part of my history, he is my son and I will never walk away from him like I have my ex. So, I guess I'm working on the acceptance and action part. I need to accept him, all of him, and I need to love him and show this proper love in all my actions, this is where I struggle. I let emotions such as guilt and worry creep in and then before I know it Im buying into his lies and Im enabling him. This is the truth and thankfully I can see it so Im half way there I think.x
Great share el-cee.
Knowing that someone else is crawling out from the fog of denial at the same time as me makes it just a little bit less scary.
Here's to denial free forties, fifties, sixties and beyond
(((LC)))
Thank you Grateful, you have always had faith in me and I really appreciate that.x Your right Melly, it is good to know we are not alone, we can come here and share and it gets just a little clearer every time. Thank you for your feedback.x
My enabling was killing my son....just a little slower than he can do by himself. I can keep him safe just enough to continue doing what he's doing. I can take him to the help he needs when he needs it just to have him go back out for more of the same. I can feed and clothed him and give him a place to sleep when he has nowhere else to go....but just until he fines his mojo again. No I don't give him any money but he will continue too sell what assets he has left until there is no more.
Yes I will be there just to make sure he won't die on me....I will protect him so he can live and not get in trouble until the day he dies.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Cathy, thanks for that. You are right that is the truth. It is like the bottom must come somewhere along the line. He might die and that is the final bottom but he might have no money, nowhere to live, nothing left to sell, he might get sick of being sick. I am working on my enabling because it serves to keep it going on and on. When I rescue he gets comfortable too soon and then he does get his mojo back and on he goes. I struggle with this but its about me and getting me comfortable for a wee while before that mojo comes back, so enabling is actually a selfish act. Thanks you for being here, Im learning from you and I can so relate to your journey because its mine also. My journey with my ex AH was much easier than this. This disease is going to be in my life forever, I get that but I dont have to make the same mistakes over and over again, I can lean on my program.x
Yeah I did it to make me a wee bit more comfortable too. I could relax while I had him...but as soon as he would walk away it started again and again and again. I'm finding now if I just let go....no contact and if contact just kindness with I'm sorry and the word no...no fighting....no confrontation ...I do much much better in the long run. I can get some peace no matter what is happening out there. I don't need to know......because it's just more of the same and who really wants to do it over and over. It is finally time for me to stop.
If I can do it you can do it too. We love them so so much but you know....we are.....being honest here....we are taking part in their demise. The denial had to stop. Yeah I could lose my son tomorrow and it makes me sick...no ifs ands or buts about it... I have to be honest with me and quit my lying and cheating on myself and to my son. I'm sick too and I will stay in recovery to save me and maybe set an example to others that we can get serenity. Just like the A it will be a life long program.
Take care my friend and love yourself because we do
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thanks Cathy, it is heartbreaking. Its been part of my life since I was 14, with my ex I thought it was hell but with my son I know the difference now. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and I can still say that I am insane on a regular basis when it comes to my son. It terms of my ex I am out of that now and I can take some hard lessons from that. With my son, I need to do what you do and let go, I do let him go but more often than not I take him back, its the fear that keeps in the what ifs.
I am unsure of the future for him. His role model was an alcoholic and he moulded himself into his Dad in many ways. I can see his unease with himself, he gets agitated when he has a clear head, he is uncomfortable with his own mind. He is still so young, searching for his own identity in some ways and he has already made up his mind about himself in some ways, he doesn't like himself, he has guilt about his drinking, the trouble he has caused while drinking, he withdraws from his family and although I tell him that I have forgiven him I am not sure my behaviour towards him shows this. I can forget myself and begin the dos and donts, trying to control, judging him and his choices. I am so sad about my son and that he seems to have this terrible affliction, such a cruel blow for all of us. In some ways it was inevitable, he was our first son and of course hes taking his lead from his Dad. He also did not have a healthy Mum that could have been able to counteract some of the damage, maybe I have in some ways, probably made it worse in many ways, but I must forgive myself.
I find it really hard to accept that there is nothing I can do or that what I need to do is let him fall - completely, not just a little bit because to be honest thats what I am doing right now - letting him stumble rather than fall. You are a friend Cathy and Im glad I found you.x
I think one thing to think about is your impression of your son taking after his dad. I would let that go. It's your adults child's decision now and its just an excuse to blame it on anyone else now. It does no good does it.
If you want to think a little more like I'm thinking now....maybe think about your son growing old...I want my son to grow old.. That's what I will pray for and not help him do it along the way.....it's do or die. I'm honest with myself now....truly honest.
Do Al-anon...come here daily and post....post your heart out and be honest with yourself. That's the way I'm going to quit my denial and stop my BS. I'm looking within and my denial about ME.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Great Post and replies!! and denial was part the subject of this mornings Super Saturday AFG so this is extended ESH. The duck!! I love that metaphor because it is simple to understand. I also got it from my early program and it helped me thru denial also and when I arrived at this is a disease and she is sick and I need to recognize that I became from from some or alot of the negativity I held for her that kept me attached. God ...to admit that the pleasure of her company was in the "whipping post" she was for my part in it. I have to laugh today for how it turned out. I am a double and many of the early AA meetings I attended here in Hilo are held in a park next to Wailoa stream and pond and there are lots of ducks wandering around and often they will walk thru our pavillons and so very often will quack loudly and I use to laugh as I remember the acceptance metaphor "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...chances are IT'S A DUCK!!" only now I cannot help but end that metaphor with "....chances are IT'S MY ALCOHOLIC". Humor with awareness really works when we work it. You all are learning and growing and I hold you up to my Higher Power often in concern and gratitude. Concern because I know how this disease works today...cunning, powerful and baffling; gratitude because it was the women of Al-Anon who saved my butt for me by constantly standing with me and always being on hand to listen to the consequences. Awesome...Mahalo Akua...Thank you God!! To remember that it was a candidate for suicide that they brought back from the brink. Today I can QUACK!! with the best of ducks and I've even raised one in recovery...Pinch...she thought she could find better and flew the nest/home and why not I fixed her. LOL we quacked well together.
El-cee,
Fantastic post - your clarity is a beacon, thank you.
I feel much the same way when I look back on my life but I've never managed to think, let alone speak out, as clearly as this. Practice, practice!
