The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If I'm going to be in a relationship, I need to respect and admire that person, and feel good about giving to them. I need to feel that the person cares about me, finds me interesting, appreciates what is good in me, finds me attractive, enjoys my company and values the connection between us very highly. And enjoys "intimacy". I need to feel free to be myself, make my own decisions and know that I am respected and valued and trusted. I deserve those things, if I am going to bring what I have to a relationship. And I have a lot to share. Or I will, when I have got the codependent side of myself properly under control lol.
I have none of that now. I have had none of that for so long that I have come to believe that I am unworthy of it.
I don't like the way I think these days; I've always been a faithful woman who would never cheat but I find my eye wandering and my head dreaming up knights on white horses more and more often. The more I learn to focus on myself, the more dissatisfied with this relationship I become. Sometimes I am angry and I think about going out when my daughter is away and picking up, just to remember for a few hours what it is like to be with someone that enjoys me. I won't, I wouldn't, but the thought is there nonetheless and the fact that it makes me smile rather than feel bad tells me that this is all so very, very wrong for me.
What's more, being in this "relationship" (the word kind of gets stuck in my throat) prevents me from giving myself much of what I need. The A makes retarded financial decisions over and over again (I'm sure it's self-sabotage; no-one can be that stupid) and because he is always broke, we can never enjoy anything nice together like holidays or nights out or...anything. I used to pay for him- every dinner was on me, I took him on holidays and paid for everything...but that had to stop and so now there is nothing. He hordes garbage. The house is filled with broken appliances and countless boxes that have sat there since the day we moved in. I decided to move some of them into one of his 2 rooms today and snuck a peek in a few of them. One contained some old foam packaging for a computer he no longer has, and a dead spider. Another contained a broken fan-heater, a solitary shoe, a power-cord to an unknown appliance, and a lot of loose screws. None of this garbage that I am expected to live with will ever be of use to anyone. (Unless the A loses a leg and decides to take up post-industrialist sculpture). I felt that it was no longer necessary to have these boxes in the dining room. When he came home, he had a meltdown because I had touched his "stuff". Whatever. I expected it.
The lawn-mower is still in the middle of the yard, the lawn half-mowed. Now the mower will rust and he will have an excuse to never use it again. Maybe he can incorporate it into one of his sculptures.
For so long, I kept believing that he would get better but now, finally, I understand that he won't. He will never have anything to give to me. He doesn't have anything to give to himself. Being with him will always mean living like paupers, living in chaos and filth, fear when he is on a rampage, loneliness when he is barricaded in his room gaming, with brief glimmers of hope when he throws me a few scraps every now and then. It's boring. It's completely unsatisfactory. Sometimes, I think of it as if, he has been turned into a zombie and I am clinging on to him but I must be covered in armor at all times to be sure he doesn't bite me.
And I know, I'll have to spend a good long time on my own before I am ready to share anything with anyone else (if I don't heal myself properly I'll just find another sad sack of addiction to cling on to) but the longer I stay, the further I push that day into the future. I don't know if what I feel for him is love, anymore. I think it swings between pity and resentment.
I want more. At very least, I want to be free to provide for the needs of myself and my daughter. And I want to know that there is a chance of finding a good, reciprocal relationship some day.
I don't know what that means, or what I am going to do about it. I just know that. I want something better.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Friday 1st of November 2013 12:55:58 PM
I agree with your awareness and am pleased with your acceptacne of the situation that you are living with . The need to change is important, so please believe that HP has a plan and will guide you.
Keep an open mind on the subject. Keep showing up for yourself and continue to isten to the still small voice within. You are on your way.
It does work
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 2nd of November 2013 08:08:08 AM
I think when we start to love ourselves more and more each day we also find we are worthy of so much more. Not perfect but someone we can grow with.
Right now I grieve, not for what has been, but for what I wanted. Only my HP may know what it is I need. Its time to let go of the things I thought I needed and let HP give me what I need. Is that the "I am the only one that's stands between me and my sanity?"
having been in Alanon for 31 years I have seen big changes. It was a great vantage point to see women gain their rights and to achieve equality! The older member of 30 years ago would have 'stuck it out'. If they possibly could.
My guide maybe was my own mum. The day after out youngest brother she left home. it wasn't easy for her... but she carved out her own life... and was successful.
We do not give advice here- or at least we try not to... .
I have been married for thirty and am still married. I have had to deal with one serious addiction in my partner- I applied what I learned in Alanon and was successful, one day at a time... when think of the alternatives I shiver, and shake.
I am learning hard to take my own advice. And that is this- 'give it your best shot!'
That's all there is, plain and simple. Inside of the rooms I have seen and heard everything. It is a privilege, and a miracle. I don't get to stand in another persons shoes- but it gets really close sometimes!
But I am not in those shoes... what ever the choices and decisions other people make- I have heard and seen the choices made... and I retain my respect.
It is the unconditional love I was shown and still get shown.
If we keep sharing we keep growing emotionally... and it gets easier to make the tough decisions...
Mel, I could be writing your post today. Same idea, just different men with different habits and attitudes. You are sounding so much stronger, like you're finding your voice and that is so important for you find the solution that will work for you and your daughter.
I don't have the answers for myself, either, when it comes to what will happen in my future if I choose to divorce my AH, but I do know that trusting my HP must come first. It sounds like you are doing that more and more. Sending you lots of support and hugs today!!!
Melly, you sound like you are in the exact same situation that I am in. It truly is so frustrating and heartbreaking. I'm having a lot of the same emotions you are having as well and don't know if I should have sympathy for the A or hold on to my anger for the hurt he is causing his family and extended family. I wish you the best and will be thinking of you and your daughter. I was just wondering how her Halloween party went, I hope it went well for her. Do the best you can and concentrate on you and your daughter.
Wiping denial from our minds, opening our eyes to what is, listening to ourselves and truly hearing ourselves, sharing what we hear with others - all good stuff, Melly. One day at a time we begin to take ourselves and our needs more seriously. We begin to see that we're strong, that we're gifted, that we have good minds, good hearts, good insights and a zest for living that bubbles up within us and says "follow me." Thanks for the share, sister.
Melly, Looking inside those treasured boxes was brilliant. Your description of the sculptures-to-be (great humor, by the way) is such good reality. Through this, you showed us your awareness of what is missing for you. One shoe? A power cord to an unknown thing? Who can use those?
G2B's wiping denial is so key. It speaks of a big step toward loving yourself. Good for you.
Thansk for sharing Melly, your post really got me thinking about my own life. Im so glad you and I are no longer in that dark tunnel called denial. Take care of you and you will get something better.x
Melly, your post really spoke to me today. Your new awareness is awesome and I can feel a bright future for you and your daughter. I too felt these same emotions but was not strong enough or confident enough in HP to let his plan run it's course. I held on and held on until one day AH filed for divorce. HP finally took the control out of my hands. Guess he figured I had had enough pain!!!
Well I guess you could say in all the pain I started working the program hard and s l o w l y I am starting to see a new path. The pain is lessening and I will continue my awareness of the disease called codependency. After all HP didn't do all of this so I could get in another dysfunctional relationship.
Thanks for sharing your expectations of a healthy relationship as a reminder of what "healthy" looks like. You are on your way
The realization that you just can't get what you need within these circumstances is huge. It will happen, you already have better if that makes sense, simply knowing it can't stay like this is better.
Thanks, everyone
Today there was some arguing, baiting, tantrum throwing and I had to resist the urge to JADE; I came here and re-read this and all of your supportive and awesome replies each time I felt myself slipping into the situation and out of reality (if that makes sense). And every time it was like all of you were giving me a giant cosmic hug
I have to remind myself that every minute I stay stuck in the crazy is another minute I have to wait for my something better, whatever form it might come in.
Mongowal, the party went great and she enjoyed hostessing so much that she's planning an end-of-year school breakup party already. I'm totally into that; lets invite people and fun into our lives!!!
So good - inviting people and fun into your lives. There is an ancient saying - "...and a little child shall lead them." Sounds like your child sees what can be and you are listening! Glad our support help you stay on program! That disease loves to try to pull us back onto the merry-go-round. Good that you are saying "no" to its cunning, baffling and powerful lies.
Hi Mel... and boo! to you...
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