The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I thought I was doing okay. I had my own place, a part time job, I'm active n my churchI was away from my biggest stressor - my AH. I started spending more time with him, and decided to move back home. Foolish. delusional?
I am having myself a little pity party. I'm not sure how to move forward if we don't move forward.
My AH went to rehab. reads his big book occasionallay. I can tell that he is cognizant of stressors and is trying to think through things in our relationship. BUT he is not actively working a program.
IF it is HIS deal and he has to do it on HIS time.how can I make that aspect of his life a deal breaker? - If I did make it a deal breaker, he would just lie to me.
So now I am back home again, and it is 3:30 in the morning, he went out with his "friends" (at least this guy isn't a felon). He IS drinking - Odouls. Yes it has alcohol, yes he admits that he actually goes through withdrawals when he stops drinking it. He is basically drinking again, just not the hard stuff.
I'm sorry that you're hurting, but glad that you love yourself enough to want to take good care of you. It gets easier when our choices don't rest on what the A does or doesn't do. Much easier said than done, but we have Alanon to help us get to a better place... examine motivations, expectations, setting boundaries for ourselves that protect us. Go with the facts and do the next right thing for you.
Nice thing about Al-anon and what I discovered many times is that we can start over...again....and again. It's progress not perfection my friend. Take the advice that bud gave you examine motivations, expectations, set boundaries and move forward. To give up is not a option in my book so be kind to yourself and trust you HP and you will find happiness one day at a time.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Glad to see you back on the board. Lots of good e/s/h you've received above. If he's drinking, he's not working a program. That's on him. Working or not working your program won't always result in him making changes, but it sure will make a difference for you. Sorry things aren't the way you'd hoped they'd be. Maybe you just had to find that out for you? Although I divorced my x, there were many times I'd check him out and what he was doing with his life. I never lost hope that he would work a program and we could be married again. That never happened. He died when he was 51. But, off and on for about 20 years, I kept checking and hoping. It happens. It's okay. We can control some things in our lives, but love and who we love just aren't some of the things we can control. We can accept it. We can deny it. We can try to run away from it. We just can't control it. We may not be able to live long-term with someone who has this disease, but that doesn't mean we will stop loving them or stop hoping we can be together again.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 1st of November 2013 09:21:38 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 1st of November 2013 09:31:05 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 1st of November 2013 09:32:00 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 1st of November 2013 09:33:15 PM
I think the answer to the question about the deal-breaker is that you taking care of yourself is different from an ultimatum. You don't even have to tell him what the boundary/deal-breaker is. That is, it's fair if you say to yourself, "I cannot live with the risk of relapse that someone has when they're not working a program. I've hung on this far hoping recovery would stick. But I see that he's not doing everything he can to stay in recovery, and the risk is too high for me. So that's my deal-breaker and I'm going to start taking action about a separation." If he asks why, you can just say something calm like, "I know you're probably thinking that you have everything you need for recovery. But I've been through so much relating to alcoholism that I simply need to take care of myself, and I can't be around someone who's not actively working a program. I wish you the best." (And then of course refuse to argue. Because if he's not deep in recovery, he will try to manipulate you into thinking you're doing something wrong. -- Ironically, arguing with you about this would be confirmation that he doesn't understand what recovery involves!)
So the way I see it, if it's a deal-breaker, it's a deal-breaker. If he starts actively working a program of recovery down the line and sticks with it, you can always assess your options at that time. If he doesn't, then you can rest assured that you made a decision to protect yourself before things really went haywire.
I guess the question is, then, if his not being in active recovery is genuinely a deal-breaker for you. I kept thinking I had bottom lines, but then he'd hit the bottom line and I'd extend my idea of what I thought was tolerable. In my case, that got me into so much eventual insanity that I lost all perspective. I wish I'd figured out a sensible bottom line beforehand and had the courage to adhere to it. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
