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Thanks PP. Yes - that is the advice most people have given me.
What I can't seem to figure out is "how"? How do I run away from someone I love so much?
Why do I even love someone who is clearly completely messed up?
Most of all.....what happened to the beautiful man I knew? Was he really that person? Or is this the person he is?
Why....when he said all the time he didn't ever want to hurt me....would he now seem so intent on doing just that?
Am I just being selfish?
The questions are making me crazy. I've always been a strong person...but this just seems to have undone me completely.
I tried today to go and do something I love to do but I didn't make it there - I couldn't stop crying.
I suppose the thing that is most tormenting me is how is it possible that someone who I thought loved me could be SO cruel to me? What did I do to deserve that? What did I do wrong? He knows that feeling abandoned is the one thing that would disable the most (goes back to my childhood) - and it was the one thing I asked him to not ever do to me - that if he was going to go, to please just tell me. I've tried to tell him why its so much of an issue and to be brave but I still can't understand why he would be so very, very cruel.
-- Edited by thepolarbear on Thursday 31st of October 2013 10:09:58 PM
Hi, I'm new here. And new to this hell called alcoholism.
I met a wonderful man in summer of last year. It was the most glorious time of my life - we spent 3 months getting to know each other and it finally turned into a romance - but at its heart was a beautiful friendship. He was everything I'd ever wanted in a man. We live in separate countries (Canada/US) so started a long distance relationship. Everything seemed fine except for the fact that his one and only friend was a woman much older than him and she became extremely jealous of me. She made a lot of trouble. Then disappeared from his life. He seemed to get quite depressed about it. During a visit to his house last Dec I began to notice that he was drinking a lot. He would spend some days in bed. He kept saying that I was now his only friend because the other woman had gone. And it was his fault (I've NO idea how he figured that because he'd done everything to try and make things okay with her....at times to the exclusion of me).
My next visit he cleary showed signs of withdrawal when we spent a day out and he hadn't had a drink. I was kind of worried. So was he. He was still depressed and sad.
The we spent 3 months together travelling and at each other's places. He helped me make a major move - I left my job and moved cities to start a new life. It was something I'd been wanting to do for a long time but the fact that I would be closer to him and that we would be able to see each other much more easily fast tracked my decision. We made plans of what we would do this summer. He promised to come up and help me get settled in, buy a car etc etc. Promised he would be there if I ever needed him. Said he was worried about me because I didn't know anyone in my new city and would be lonely.
During the 3 months his drinking got worse. He suffered terrible anxiety and by the end of the 3 months literally started the day with a beer and just kept drinking. He would go days without showering of cleaning his teeth. He never ate. Just drank and drank and lay around on the sofa. He stopped sleeping in the same bed. Said it was "nothing to do with me". I had to leave because my visa expired.
2 weeks after I left he woke up in a jail cell. He had no idea where his vehicle was. No charges laid but he was devastated. This is a man who was a military officer, flew jets and holds a Masters in Mathematics. So....very intelligent. He took very early retirement. I was hoping this incident would wake him up.
I couldn't get down there so he ended up calling the older woman (who had been out of his life for 7 months). She basically moved in and hasn't left.
He became so anxious that he couldn't come and help me as he had promised. Said he couldn't drive that far without a drink. Meanwhile my life in the new city was proving very challenging and between that, having no support network, no job (although that is by choice) and what was happening to him I became very, very stressed. And I really needed to see him.
The older woman left his house for a few weeks and things between us were pretty normal - we talked every day for at least an hour - as we always had when apart. He was very concerned about me - even offering to pay for me to take a trip wherever I thought would make me happy because he couldn't be here with me. But I didn't want to go - all I wanted was to see him.
Then he got bad again. I suspect the reason was that I finally had "had enough" and tried the tough love approach. He tried to stop drinking and ended up quite ill. The older woman moved back into his house (not at his request but he seems too weak to tell her to leave). She has been there now for 5 weeks. During that time he has gradually stopped talking to me completely. At first it was because he felt he was being rude talking to me while she was in his house. Then it was because talking to me might upset her. Then it was because I upset him because I told him I was sad at what was happening, hurt because he wouldn't talk to me (hadn't I been the only person there for him for a year??) and still struggling with getting my own life on track.
It all came to a head 2 weeks ago when I had been away for a week and emailing every day to see how he was. He'd not bothered to respond to a single email (and they were very short "how are you doing?" emails). I called and discovered he had been taken to the ER the night before suffering dehydration. Of course they realised then that he was an alcoholic. He was sent for further tests and told to come back to the clinic. He could barely tell me this - basically just blew me off. I exploded. Said some bad things which I have sincerely apologised for.
Then he just ignored me (well, really, continued ignoring me). He finally sent me a nasty email last week to tell me that I had "set back his recovery by 3 days". I am not sure what recovery he's talking about because he's still not in rehab. The older woman contacted me and said that I was the cause of his "problem" and that I caused him too much stress....that he had made it "quite clear" that he could not help me anymore and that she didn't want me contacting him because I upset him too much. I suggested that she should stop enabling him.
We did have a reasonably okay conversation at the weekend (although he said that his mother said he shouldn't call me - his mother, BTW, has only just been brought into the loop....so I don't know how much info she actually has). I thought we had reached some sort of understanding. Since then I've tried a couple of times to reach out to him but I am just ignored.
I have spent so much time supporting this man. Given him so much love and care. So to be now told its all my fault simply because I got angry after so very much frustration seems inconceivable. And to now have two people who haven't been there for most of his downward spiral saying that I can't talk to him - and no doubt turning him against me - just saddens me so much. I can't believe that if he was in his right mind he would do that. I also get the feeling that these two women don't believe he is an alcoholic - that they just think he's suffering anxiety and has a few drinks to settle that down. I've done so much research and there is no doubt that he's well into the illness of alcoholism. I mean - sure, I did get upset, but he would not have even been at that point had he not already been drinking for a long, long time....right?
We had such a lovely relationship. He was my absolute hero - a loving, kind, generous man who I adore. And now he's breaking my heart by suddenly cutting me out of his life and blaming me for his problem. I know this is what alcoholics do - they blame those closest to them. And he's a man of honour who clearly has a disconnect between who he wants to be and who he is (or who alcohol has made him become). I know that he sees me as the person he let down badly (he's even told me that). And it seems to me that he's shut me out so he doesn't have to face that. But he doesn't seem to realise that shutting me out is the very thing that hurts me most. I never blamed him for not coming to help me or for letting me down. In fact I forgave him completely.
He told me once that he'd always keep me safe.
I'm so lonely here and I don't even have him to talk to anymore. I feel like there's just a huge hole in my heart.
I don't know if he's gone for good, or just until he "gets better" (there is still talk of rehab). But I do know that he won't be the same ever again. And that he may even die from this.
I just don't know whether to give up hope now, or keep a little bit aside - that maybe one day he'll figure it out and want to talk to me again.
I have slipped into grief. I find it hard to do anything at all during the day. Its like my life has fallen apart too. I'm seeing a counselor but I'm just so, so sad and heartbroken. All my friends and family say that I don't need a man like that in my life - just "let it go". But I don't know how to stop the pain.
I'm in my 40's and I waited my whole life to meet such a wonderful man. There was no clue when we met that he had any problem with alcohol (and we spent a LOT of time together over 3 months). My counselor also believes there are "issues" because of the prominence and influence of this older woman. She controls his life.
People say "you had a lucky escape" - it doesn't feel lucky.
I read Codependent No More and did recognise myself on its pages. I KNOW I have to start looking after me. But I don't even know where to begin to do that. Every day that goes by that he ignores me just makes me sadder.
Both he and I were (are?) very high achieving individuals. So I don't think my friends understand why I can't just "get over it".
I don't know what to do. I feel like I was completely unprepared for all of this.
Hello. Welcome to MIP. What you are describing is something that some of us have gone through in our relationships to our loved ones who drink heavily or have said that they are alcoholics. What we always suggest to a newcomer is to find Al-Anon meetings in your area where you will meet with people who can understand like few can. Meetings are suggested for at least 6 times before you decide whether Al-Anon is for you. Please come back to MIP, too. We have helped each other through some very difficult times and will be supportive of you, too. Right now, things must feel pretty awful to you? With time, Al-Anon, MIP and doing things you love to do with others who have the same interests, you will experience many positive changes. It took courage to come here. I'm glad you did. You're not alone.
When we're first getting to know someone, things are often idyllic. I've certainly had that experience. The "I've found it ... the joy I've always been looking for ... the perfect man for me" experience.
Then it's natural for the high to wear off and you begin the sometimes surprising job of really beginning to get to know each other. I've come to understand that that's the key time. In the beginning, when it seems as if you both meet each other's needs perfectly, it seems "real." And it's not unreal, but it's not daily life. It's like the airbrushed version of the person. The second stage is the reality stage. Many relationships break up at this point, as they should, because that's the testing phase.
These stages can get muddled up when the relationship is long-distance. In those, the question becomes not "What is this person like in day-to-day life, and are these flaws I can live with?" but "When, when can I see this person again??" It takes longer and the danger is even greater of gettink sunk into it before you really know what they're like, warts and all.
I recognize the syndrome of a relationship where a huge part of it, maybe 80% of it, has been painful and confusing, but the first 20% was so wonderful that I'm hanging on to that as if that represents the "real" relationship. Because I always wanted so very, very badly for that to be true.
What I see is that the man you're describing has a close emotional relationship with another woman, that neither of them sound very emotionally healthy, and that he is an alcoholic, which scrambles even the healthiest person's brain. And the situation I know so so well: that you're trying so hard to make it all work out somehow.
It sounds paradoxical, but the only way we can get enough clarity to see how things can work out well is to work hard at our own recovery. Alcoholism is so forceful that it sucks everyone around into the whirlwind, and we lose our own sense of perspective. Only in getting our own recovery going (meetings, literature, reading the boards, working the steps, using the tools) helps us break free of the insanity and know where to go next.
I remember wondering how I could adore someone so much when he treated me so badly. (And in the insanity of it all I didn't even realize how badly he had treated me -- I had lost perspective.) I think now that it was not love (which is calm and healthy and free of turmoil) so much as attachment. I had the kind of attachment that toddlers have to their parents. When their parents are there, they feel happy and safe and loved; when their parents go missing, they panic as if they might die -- which is true. That panic was instilled in the species because little ones might indeed die without their parents' protection. So they will do anything to get that love and feeling of safety back again. That's how I felt about my A. The difference was that I wouldn't die without him (although the pain was such that my brain felt like I would). This helped me to see that my love wasn't the kind of love you feel in a safe, healthy relationship. That kind of love isn't craving and fear and turmoil. I had to say to myself, "This feeling isn't real. The safety he seemed to offer wasn't real. But I am safe anyway. I don't need him to be safe."
From reading about your guy, I notice that he's a person who has very few friends -- basically none -- and I wonder why that is. It may be that they have seen over the years that he's not as reliable as you saw him. I suspect, painful as it may be, that you are seeing the real him right now. That means it is so important to take good care of yourself. Hugs.
Aloha Polar Bear and welcome to the board....scroll back in time on this board and find out how many times your story has been told by others...I've told your story before related to me a male and I've used some of the thoughts and words you have also. We listen for the similarities in our stories to gain understanding. Alcoholism is a world wide disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and it can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence...If it isn't arrested it will result in insanity (seems he and you are there now) or death. No only the drinker dies in this disease it has taken many innocent victims in many many different ways.
For me...I was led (at first against my will) to the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups where I am at now. I didn't know about alcoholism and didn't know that I didn't know at that time however over time I've learned a great deal including how it figures in my life. I learned that with my intense investment in alcoholic relationship that it wasn't that I "loved" them; it was that I "needed" them...my own addiction. I had a need to "fix" addiction and I was hook solid. Some of the emotions I had trying to back away from a "fix" was guilt, shame, anger, confusion, anxiety...tons and tons of fear and the lack of the understanding that I could do much better for myself and my life. My first spouse was an addict and my second and alcoholic/addict and several relationships in between were with other chemically addicted women. Chemical addiction is huge and not getting involved with a chemically addicted person is difficult.
Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call that as soon as you can. If you get a live member to talk with great!! If you get a recording of where and when we get together in your area get there as soon as you can and come join us. Come learn what we've learned, come see how life is for us now. Welcome to the board ((((hugs))))
I'm so sorry that you are going through this - the world of alcoholism is very confusing.
It is tough living in a new place, I had a similar experience when I moved to Italy. I wonder what you would ordinarily do to establish your own networks? Are you going to al-anon meetings? Apart from helping us to understand the disease they are also a good place to make new friends .
When I was new in my neighbourhood I went and knocked on the doors of my neighbours and introduced myself (with a lot of sign language and laughter since my Italian was hopeless at the time!). It scared me to do this - after all I was the foreigner - but the following week they came and knocked on my door. I am so grateful to them for that and I'm pleased I found the courage to overcome my shyness. I also joined a course. Again it took effort, but I started to enjoy it. Having input from other people helped me to get a clearer view of my marriage and my own behaviour as well. It helped me a lot when I started to carry on with my own life, the part that I could control, whilst leaving AH to make his own choices. Part of that was deciding for myself what I would and would not put up with - in my case AH's strong and inappropriate emotional attachment with another woman was hurting my self esteem so I took steps to protect my self esteem - that scared the hell out of me but it also felt good and I walked a bit taller as a result!
I personally say "you had a lucky escape" - but I know it doesn't seem like that! I didn't know My A was an A until 8 months in, and when he slipped it was a biggy and, well, to mush to get into. I found out when he called from t he hospital. Two things, had I know what I was getting into (if he had been up front with me) I would not have stayed with him! And, in hind sight should have said good bye when I did find out. It is a hard thing to deal with and you almost can't explain what we all go through (different levels) but still.
Take care of you! And I know it hurts and you have love for him, but it is a blessing, one I wish I had from day one!
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
And remember......... he is sick!! I see some of your questions, the WHYs? I still do this. He is sick, that is the answer. Try not to take it personal (I know - I know) :)
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
I agree with some of the other feedback. You are describing qualities of a sick alcoholic with sick alcoholic behaviors and mourning the person you want him to be and not the person he his. Truth is, he is progressed in his illness, his boundaries are not good, he can't give himself freely to you, lets other women enablers into his life.... You are saying "how can I run away from him!" Um...he asked you to leave him alone. So at this point, not doing so would be clingy and needy. He's not the one. It sucks when you meet someone that is slave to alcohol and there is a wonderful person there underneath probably. But deal in facts. He is a sick alcoholic with a lot of baggage and drama you don't need and at this point you don't have to accept it and are being told not to. Let go.
Thanks Mattie. I think there is a lot of truth in what you say. I am definitely attached to him. For what its worth - through all of this I've discovered that a trauma I suffered in childhood has been at work (unknowingly). When I was 5 my father was beaten by his alcoholic brother (it happened in front of me) and later that day he collapsed with a severe head injury. All I knew (as a small child) was that by the time I came home from school daddy was gone. He didn't come back for 5 years (yes, believe it or not that's how long it took for him to recover and be rehabilitated). Fortunately dad came through although there were permanent physical disabilities. The family have denied it ever happened. The family "story" is that he fell and hit his head on a cupboard. I have been working with my counselor on this.
But, of course, having this guy "disappear" so suddenly has caused me a lot of trauma.
But I got to thinking after reading your post and I remembered a night a couple of months ago when it was quite late (around midnight) and I discovered a huge spider in my house. I am terrified of spiders. I called my guy and asked him if he could just stay on the phone while I got rid of it - I don't know why, it just made me feel safer knowing he was there. But just then his other phone rang and it was the older woman. He said he would have to go and take the call and hung up on me. At the time I let it go (indeed if I'd have said anything he would have accused me of just "being jealous") but now I look back on that and I can see it was another red flag. It wasn't the first or the last time that her needs were placed ahead of mine. In fact, her needs were ALWAYS placed ahead of mine. And I never, ever behaved in a jealous fashion towards her. In fact, when they were not speaking I tried to be the peacemaker. So I don't really understand why he couldn't ever see that she was the one who was jealous. I suggested to him once that her behaviour indicated to me that she had romantic intentions towards him. He was shocked. But it was pretty obvious to most other people who knew us.
I suppose the thing I've been trying to figure out is how he could have been SO different when I first met him. I knew him for over 2 months before we moved into a romance. We spent virtually all our time together as friends. And looking back over that I can see nothing that would have led me to believe that he would be the way he is. Although that said, I suppose the very fact that the only friend he seemed to have was this older woman. I asked him once what they talked about when they spent a month together in an RV (and yes, I'm certain there's no physical relationship between them) - he said photography and the military. And watching them together I can believe that's true. So it seems that there was/is no real emotional bond either.
I've wondered if the fact that he has no other close friends is because he's simply not capable of maintaining any level of emotional intimacy. Perhaps it was that he and I were getting closer that made his drinking get worse. I'll never know. It seems strange to me that once I needed support for more than 5 minutes he started to get worse and worse.
You know, I've never been attracted to that kind of person before. And I had no clue when I first met him that he had a drinking problem. I didn't know it until well into things. That's one of the things I'm finding difficult - were there signs I missed. I would have thought that spending all day and most evenings with someone simply as a friend for a couple of months would have shown up any major problems like this. But I guess not huh?
I have really just wanted "that" guy back. But the reality is that he isn't coming back.
Yes, I really do need to get out and meet new people. The strange part of all of this is that normally I'm an extremely outgoing person. My profession is one that requires me to be always networking and meeting new people. I don't know if the 3 months I spent with him immediately before arriving here changed me somehow. I know that I felt really safe with him and I was seriously burnt out from my job.
I am going to try much harder to get out and meet some folks here.
I suppose that's been one of my struggles - just accepting that he's sick. The things he's said recently show that. In fact, I think he's drunk most of the time now.
Its such a waste - underneath I believe is still the kind person I once knew. That's what makes me so sad.
Thanks pinkchip. You're right. Having had no previous experience with addicts at all I'm just fighting that disbelief that someone can do this to themselves (not to mention those around them). The men of my past have all been strong, capable and together guys. This one seemed the same for the first 6 months.
What's making me just so angry though is that its such a cowardly thing to do - to just ignore someone like that. I even, a couple of weeks ago, said that maybe it was time for us to just say goodbye and go our separate ways. He got really angry and upset with me. So I tried to end things in a good way but he wouldn't even let me do that. I have a non-refundable ticket to go and see him in 2 weeks - which he knows about - in fact only a few weeks ago were planning what we would do when I got there. But now he won't even discuss it (in the sense of...should I still come down there?). I know that I shouldn't - he just doesn't have the guts to tell me he doesn't want to see me. He has stuff of mine at his house and I have stuff of his (and one of those things can't really be shipped). I tried asking how he wanted me to get it back to him. Again, just wouldn't deal with it.
If there's one quality I can't stand its cowardice. And it seems to me that everyone rallies around the alcholic - he has someone there taking care of him 24/7 and making it possible for him to avoid ALL responsibility. I have nobody here. Its all about him getting better and him not getting upset. But nobody directly involved in this situation seems to give a damn that he exploded this landmine in the middle of my life at a very challenging time and it has caused me intense pain. I was so, so disappointed to hear that his mother told him not to call me when she doesn't even know me. And I'm the one who looked after him for nearly a year when she knew nothing about what was going on (despite my repeated requests to him to talk to her). How could she do that? I've thought of writing a letter to her to explain things, but she won't want to hear it. I'm guessing that the other woman has been talking to her - and its easier to blame me than to look honestly at what's been going on. THAT'S what really hurts.
Other people will drink, be cowardly, move on from us , lie about us...those things are our of our control. Having too much of your peace of mind and serenity wrapped up in what other say , do, how they may or may not be spinning things is not helping you. He was sick and not a good person for you. It's like you are investing yourself in a detective investigation and relationship autopsy that is only hurtful and unecessary.
I like where you dicussed red flags and awareness of abandonment issues. The solution to those issues is in your control. His nutty, fickle, and codependent behaviors with others is not.
pinkchip - I guess its because I've always been a strong, very independent person who led an amazing life. I've been trying to figure out what went on because I need to understand what happened to me. I've ended up a complete mess because of this and I don't understand why.
I also feel very much like even though I did my best and just loved this person everyone still sees it as my fault in one way or another. Him, his friend and mother blame me directly. My friends tell me that I'm being weak by not just "getting over it". Books and Al-Anon tell me its my fault because I'm codependent or in some other way at fault.
I've never been codependent before. I've never had a relationship with anyone who had a substance abuse problem. In fact, previous guys were all very normal.
So why is it my fault? I didn't make him drink. I felt compassion for someone whose life was falling apart. Unfortunately I don't feel that there's much compassion for me - maybe if I started drinking people would be different. Everyone expects me to be strong like always and just "let go". Believe me, I would if I knew how.
I did go to an Al Anon meeting after he got arrested, but I didn't come away with any real comfort.
I believe it is the effects of having a relationship with an alcoholic and expecting them to act like a normal and responsible person would. It's sad and baffling. I am guessing your friends think you should be able to "just get over it" cuz they see him as a loser, active drunk, that didn't have much moral fiber and who you were bending over backwards for. They didn't love him and you did. In a "normal relationship" you can address problems and work on issues with the person. They are not so unpredictable, cowardly, and irrational. It does a giant number on your psyche to have loved an active alcoholic.
I don't think you are weak at all. It is usually the alanon person that is always strong for others. It just comes at the expense of self and ignoring/minimizing boundaries of your own. One thing that became a red flag for me was people carrying on relationships with others while trying to date me. That "older woman" thing was a red flag and you were not comfortable with it right? You tried to make yourself okay with it by rationalizing it was platonic. In essence, you adapted your values to stay in the relationship. That is what trying to date alcoholics makes us do. We do this until we are putting up with insanity and can't keep track of where our own values were to begin with.
None of this is because you are weak. It is only from loving an unstable and emotionally immature and manipulative person. You didn't know it was going to be like it turned out. It's rotten and sneaky (the disease of alcoholism). Go easy on yourself.
This is not "your fault." In fact, I will even buy that most of the relationship problems were his fault and it's due to him being a drunk. Carrying on with a drunk has us torturing ourselves thinking "why cant he act more (whatever) and maybe if I became more (whatever) THEN he would (whatever)." It becomes convoluted and drainging. The reason he can't act (whatever) is because he is incapable. You even considering changing for him is pointless because he is so incapable.
I know your heart is breaking and I am so sorry for that. You are not weak though. Just step back and try and view his disease for what it is and it really did do a number on you too. That is what the disease of alcholism does to people and those who try to love them.
I had a recent, intense brush with self-pity two weeks ago. It was a blow up with someone I know to be alcoholic (co worker). I took it personally and wallowed in 'why me? Poor me!' etc. After about 5 hours of self-pity and feeling myself start to sink into depression, I googled around a bit to see if I could read anything that'd help me see sense, because the unfairness of it all made no sense to me. I found a Q & A on an Oprah site where Deepak Chopra or someone was replied to someone stuck in depression at what a raw deal they'd gotten in life and couldn't get out of it due to the unfairness of it all. This sounded like me! Deepak mentioned that self-pity is tied up in being dependent on someone else for your own self-worth. Bingo! This was me, still, apparently, after thinking I had made such great improvements with the whole codependency thing. So that was a great little reminder.
When I realized that the volatile co worker was at his point on his own journey in life, and I was on mine, my massively hurt ego and pride flew out the window, and at that point I just felt compassion for the co worker, who obviously must be in his own particular hell. I realized I had handed over my self-worth & serenity to a sick person, incapable of interacting like a normal, healthy one.
I also realized it was ok for me to recoil at someone dropping a - what I believed to be unwarranted - bomb on me, but not ok for it to completely monopolize my self-worth and peace of mind for hours and hours afterwards.
I don't know if any of this resonates with you at all - as they say - 'take what you like and leave the rest'!
I believe that my HP puts people in my life to help me break through my illusions about me. I know you are hurting, betrayals cut us to our core. Unfortunately, pain is a great motivator to wake us up to us. I, too, would not have believed that I would ever have married an alcoholic....through al anon and other recovery work I have been able to unwind my life and see the patterns that set me up to bring the alcoholic/addict into my life. Through recovery, you will begin to see you in a different light, without the denials and illusions. It is a path worth taking. (((hugs)))
PolarBear...the most basic need of the human being is to love and be found loving in return and in the disease of alcoholism the "fixer" can invest their entire self in the endeavor of loving. We love beyond reality and it changes nothing and we learn in program that what happened was that we went from loving to control and manipulations and expectations and also attempting to have a person adopt our beliefs and perceptions and practice them so that we become verified that who we are and what we know and what we believe is right. I attempt to make the alcoholic/addict a reflection of myself and I continue to invest until there is nothing more to invest. When others take a look at and listen to my alcoholic/addict express frustration and anger and worry about me I get the other wammy...I don't seem to be loving at all and I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't and my spirit crumbles and dies more completely because the consequence of what I've been doing hasn't worked and doesn't even remotely appear to be loving...even to me finally. We come to blame ourselves along with the alcoholic and the consequence for attempting to be loving is guilt and shame.
The program for me at first seemed (along with a lot of others) to be the exact opposite of how to love with it's 3cs and letting go and letting God and other slogans and the lessons on detachment until I came to understand that I could not and cannot know how to love another person until I learn how to love myself which isn't vanity in its best self its self responsibility. And for me from my experiences with Bible passages that is how the will of the God reads "...to love others as you love yourself". I had to learn that I wasn't practicing love at all and practicing my own addiction...fixing those who never asked me to do it.
Program time, meeting time, following the suggestions of our program with humility and commitment will get you there. And as the closing statement in our meetings says "If you keep and open mind...you will find help". Keep coming back. (((((hugs))))
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