The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok, everyone, I have a confession to make and I am grateful today that I actually have awareness of what my brain is doing right now. My AH is shutting me out more than usual, not even making eye contact with me, not communicating with me unless he absolutely must speak. I believe he's using it as his own protective tactic to keep from getting himself into trouble with me? Or, maybe it's his form of punishment for me to prove that he's capable of hurting me even more? Either way, it sucks and I have found myself going to great lengths mentally to make myself look like the bad guy. Note, that I said MENTALLY, I have NOT done any of these things below, LOL!
Here's what my brain says; "Maybe I should just sleep with him, that always made things better in the past for a few days." "Maybe I'm not doing enough around here and I should do more for him and take care of him more, so he won't completely shut me out?" "I know, I'll make his favorite meal and I'll get more than a half hearted thank you, right?"
There's more obviously, but I've realized that I keep telling myself this: If I could do more, be more, fill his voids, compromise myself and my values just one more time, etc then things will get better and I will have fixed 'something', not everything, but at least something. And, then, I'll be able to breathe and then I can pat myself on the back for a job well done because right now I feel like I'm failing my marriage and my family. I have let them down because I have set boundaries now and I am taking care of myself. Wow, heaven forbid if I take care of myself and not allow myself to be used or taken advantage of, right?
It's amazing where our own sickness goes, especially in our own thoughts. I am so grateful for my program today because now I am aware. I have awareness of the fact that I did all those things in the past without even thinking about them. They were survival methods that I used to try to make my life more comfortable, to cope with psychological abuse and intimidation, to make myself feel better by martyring myself in the relationship, for giving myself a pat on the back for serving others when really I was just serving myself to create good feelings about ME since I wasn't getting it from my husband. I could sit there and say, "See, I did all this stuff for you, see how wonderful I am?" And, I'd expect a pat on the back and I'd be hugging myself and then getting angry when these self sacrificing actions weren't returned to me by people. Now, I know that I must give with a cheerful heart, I must do things for others because I want to not because I want anything in return or expect it.
Yet, my own sickness rears it's ugly head from time to time and I sit down and want to cry. I know now how crazy and sick and dysfunctional this marriage is and I know I can't continue on like this for much longer. My HP needs me to change so that I can be changed from within and that's going to take some fixing of my stinking thinking. So, if anyone has any advice, please feel free to pass it on! Thanks!
Good that you can recognize the fleeting concepts and thoughts that rise and fall in the universal consciousness, refuse to believe them now, and recognize them for what they are without allowing yourself to get hooked by them. You've come a long way. You also recognize a better belief to hook into now. The advice that you request to me all exists in your post. Thanks for the share today.
You are already transforming from within...God is giving you some peeks into your ways of being that don't work anymore. I read something this morning that might apply here "God never closes a door without opening a window, but sometimes there is Hell in the hallway". So, perhaps the doors of past behaviors are being closed to create openings for new ways of being?
I can identify with what you are feeling and thinking. It is certainly very normal after living with this disease . I found that unless I used program tools I was lost in the continuing nightmare of the MerryGoRound named denial.
This is a difficult, painful place to be in your recovery and marriage. When I was in that place I found the truth in the statement that said "When the pain of staying was more than the fear of leaving , I left. The solution is different for each of us I found I had to sit with the feelings, accept the reality of my marriage and life and then" ASK HP" for the Courage and Wisdom to act in a constructive manner.
Please keep an open mind on this and keep taking care of yourself.
....and I, too, left when the pain was greater to stay than the fear of leaving. I was ready to let go of everything I had and live in a room somewhere.
Not sure if this might be what your going through...but let me give you a little run down of what I used to do.....
I get mad, cuss, rant and rave about something to my SO. Then I might stop talking and give him the cold shoulder. I cry by myself or start doing stuff with the LOOK. Then he will get mad, cuss or slam things around and tell me to F off and leave him alone. I won't leave him alone until he's at his breaking point. Finally it all stops, I cry and he's not talking and avoiding me like the plague. He's pissed, I'm pissed...
Then I start the thinking......what should I do to make him not mad at me anymore. I'm sorry, make him something nice to eat, clean, bring him a cup of coffee to make amends, I don't know might be anything.....because I feel bad.
OK that's me......
Now turn it around and he was the one that started everything and we go thought the same crap again....
Only difference is he does NOT do the I'm sorry, make me a cup of coffee or do something nice for me......I"M THE ONE that still tries to make amends because I think it was me that was wrong....always I'm wrong.
It was a crazy mixed up day to day reality...... that I just don't want to live with anymore.
I will leave when I get sick and tired of be sick the tired enough. I can't change him and he won't change me so it is what it is.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I know what you mean, my mind works like this a lot too. Even if any of my friends are down in the dumps I can search for a reason to blame myself. Its quite arrogant as well though because I must have an over inflated sense of my own power over others. I think it is probably our thinking that got us invoved with an A in the first place. Im trying to overcome it by building up my self esteem and trying to think what do I want, what are my needs? Thanks for sharing, its great to know Im not alone.
Please be gentle with you. If you fell into denial, you aren't doomed to stay in denial forever.
Denial becomes tempting when facing hardships or hard truths that we need to deal with. It had become a well-practiced standby. The trouble is that is was part of the problem and not part of the solution.
When you feel that shift towards denial, it's ok to take a stop, breathe, observe (with detachment, if possible) and then move forward again. My fears are bigger than me, but fortunately there is Alanon.
Just wanted to thank everyone for their input here. I hope my thread helped others, too, in seeing that we are all sick along with our A's and that we never stop growing and needing our HP to guide us. As Bud said above, my denial is becoming tempting because I feel change coming and I am scared of it so I keep thinking that it would be easier to go back to the way things were before and maybe that would get me out of the chance that I'd have to be in pain during a change? I get it now, I understand 'me' a lot better today than I did when I started my program, and I'm so grateful for that!
Once we see the truth, I think it gets more painful to return to the way things were before. It might work for a day or two - maybe even a fortnight, but my own experience is that I can't stay in denial once I'm strong enough to open the window to see what I need to see. Once that happens, I simply can't forget it and continue to make the changes I need to make one right action at a time, one day at a time. You are doing so well, ILD. I hope you know that. I am grateful to read your honest and open shares. You are a courageous and honest woman.
