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I am feeling kind of sad lately because I keep seeing pics on Facebook of friends getting together with other couples for dinner parties and the like. We have no more couples to get together with. Either AH scared them off and they no longer call or I put off getting together with "nice" friends I've met with our SOs as I don't want to have them exposed to anything "unpleasant". I have lots of women friends who I get together with and it's great but I just feel kinda down that we can never do the fun dinner party thing. Even going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant with another couple led to disaster :-/ thanks for listening (reading) xo
I'm in the same boat. We stopped having couple friends when AH complained and complained about them all, and that was when he was sober. By the time the drinking started again, we didn't spend time together much as a couple because we just don't have much in common anymore. Anyway, I totally understand. I have lots of friends but no couple friends to speak of. Honestly, though, I don't miss it because it was always so draining. Hugs to you tonight!
I can relate so much to the isolation of being with an Active A.
I stopped going out and we stopped getting invited to places. That is one of the horrible effects of this ilness on us and the A.
How al anon helped me to turn this round ?
well when I was down and negative my sponsor said what can you change say the serenity prayer use your wisdom. I thought well i carnt go out with those people but i can with my al anon friends most of them were in same situation. I started going out after meetings for coffee, one night we all went and watched a girlie movie. We went away to coventions. I had so much fun!!
I changed the things I could.
My A is sober today and we can go out again but i still spend lots of time with my own al anon friends (he isnt my main focus today) my life is so full.
the 3 A's awareness acceptance and action.
If your partners had another illness that meant the couldnt socialise people would be more understanding but people do not understand alcoholism they think it is willful, when the poor person is really sick and needs some compassion. When I did my steps and saw how I treated him it hurt so much. Today he is in AA still sick but trying to get better 1 day at a time, its harder to remember how ill he was. Thanks for the reminder about how it was and the reality check about my partners illness.
take what you like and leave the rest
hugs tracy xxxx
-- Edited by Tracy on Wednesday 30th of October 2013 07:45:48 AM
Sigh, yeah, I gave up on couple friends years ago. He always tries to tell me we need to find "people we can relate to", meaning he wants me to befriend people who drink heavily and smoke pot. Well, we have had friends like that; every get together ends with people passed out on the couch, big arguments between couples performed for everyone to see, hours of listening to one party drunkenly complain about the other, and just complete chaos and hangovers. And vomit and broken stuff. Fun. No thanks. So I attend school events etc solo and as far as most people know me, I am a single mum.
Now it is the same with family; last time I attended a family party with him, it ended with my parents locking him out and telling him he is never to set foot on their property again. Now I get invitations to family events with my name and my daughters in capital letters followed by the word "ONLY". So I'm back to attending Christmas and other events as a single mum while everyone else sits around being coupley and loving each other
Yep, it's kinda sad and at the same time, a relief because it's much simpler.
Maybe we should all get together for an MIP dinner party lol, we could pick a venue that has a playground for the A's to stumble around while we enjoy a civilised meal
I didn't have that when I was with another alcoholic. My current partner and I have many couple friends. This is because we now have a nice, warm, and inviting house. It is relatively predictable. We love each other and can attend to friends and visitors without 1. getting trashed and making them uncomfortable, and 2. without fighting arguing and making them uncomfortable. That is what drove all couples away before. We only had the random single drunk friend that leached off us or drank with us like we did.
I hear you; It gets lonely because you are the odd one out. But there are so many other good people and activities you can do as well. Volunteering for charity, al-anon, sports.....(take pictures and post them on facebook :)
I try not to compare myself with the lives of others....as I really do not know.
For example during my "tough time"....this girl that I was friendly acquainted with in university psych class, I thought had it all; a wealthy handsome husband, 3 boys, had name brand clothes and a maid to look after children....months later, I found out her husband actually murdered her mother and three children. I was shocked, with a throat in my knot when I found out. She "hid" whatever was going on so well.
My best friends from jr. high till shortly after marriage slowly "went their own way". I've become a killjoy to them because...I've shared my experiences in down times, they expected me to just leave my husband and when I didn't they slowly began to avoid my calls or invite me anywhere.
Now Marriage is not something to be taken lightly, even though I'm separated now. They pretty much told me that I'm weak and that I let those kinds of things happen. Which is ironic because when things do not go their way and have no one that will lend an ear, they resort to me and I'll definitely be there to lend an ear and a kind word of support.
They still call periodically (2 times a year? or vice versa) Last two times I went over, my pothead friend (teacher soon to be principal?) would bust out her pot, so I've just kind of avoided her too and stopped going because I find it a confusing environment for me. I don't think I'm a killjoy....I've come a long way....and that's all that matters. Either way, I still love them very much, and it's very much their prerogative to do what makes them happy. people will grow apart and that is ok.
I canceled my facebook for a while as well to work on "real life" until I'm ok.....and it's nice, like I'm back in the 90's :)
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Wednesday 30th of October 2013 05:35:31 PM
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Wednesday 30th of October 2013 05:37:47 PM
