The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my esh is he should respect what you want as you are his wife, if he doesn't then you will have to accept that and make a decision from there. I do pose the question, how do you know she's texting him? are you checking his phone? This is something I used to do, checking up, digging through drawers, checking his phone, checking his email. at one time I even had internet security to see what he was doing. I learned this from my mother, then I got into the program, progress was slow, but I get better all the time. I haven't checked his phone but once in 8 months, I haven't checked his email in I don't know how long, I haven't checked his drawers. I haven't checked his sons room. I want to be done checking up on other people, if they want to be with me and in my life that's great, if not I wish them well on their journey. It would be painful if he left, as I'm a adult child of a alcoholic, abandonment issues run deep in me. Progress not perfection though, I love him and I would love to marry him, but it's not in my best interest and if I'm being completely honest, not in his either. I leave you with something my sponsor told me, God will tell you all you need to know, you don't need to check up, God will let you know.. Live and let live.. I will add if this were to happen today...I found out that he wascarrying on a emotional affair or a full blown affair, I would follow up with a action..no more talking about it...I would end the relationship.....blessings and prayers on your journey :)
-- Edited by karma13 on Tuesday 29th of October 2013 11:58:58 AM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
I feel as if this board is starting to take this man's inventory, he has done something in the past, the recent texts sound fairly innocent. Do I agree that he should be talking to her? No, but to say she should not trust her husband based on past behavior, I feel that is not right. I changed with the program, as I'm sure as others have. My SO could not have trusted me when I came into the program. Now he can. People do change. Should she be cautious and listen to her intuition? sure, but building up that self love/ relationship with higher power is the most important thing. My esh, I'm keeping it real. To say she can't trust him...when you do not know him in my opinion is wrong..take what you like and leave the rest
-- Edited by karma13 on Tuesday 29th of October 2013 02:51:48 PM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
"Should she be cautious and listen to her intuition? sure, but building up that self love/ relationship with higher power is the most important thing" "take what you like and leave the rest"-----True...that is what the program is about. Boundaries are personal decisions.
My "best friends" since childhood pretty much abandoned me when I decided to stick through my marriage...because I wanted to give him another chance and trust him again. Even though I'm not with him now, I completely wish great things for him, and have no regrets for losing those friends at the expense of giving trust in him another try. My AH was manipulative by nature, but he is a person too, the father of my children who they love, and I have my character defects as well.
Trust may not be easy to get back but it's not good to be paranoid either
However, when they make it seem that something is "ok" and it's not....oh boy.
There is also fine line between intuition and paranoia. Boundaries are my own to make, but I strongly suggest they be healthy.
You never know....I still believe in marriage and in relationship with recovery, I'm sure they can come across stronger. In my personal case, it did not happen but I will still be happy for those who make it.
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Tuesday 29th of October 2013 05:23:57 PM
Hi All, Quick background - hubbies been sober for several years now, with an "almost" slip last year. This past June I found him sexting with a newly sober woman living in a half way house..... - a month later found a singles profile set up - he was actively talking to women......
He promised at that point that there would no texting with other women, no personal relationships beyond established friends he all ready has that I know..... So, now this woman from the program is texting him - she asked him to a party a couple of weeks back (He didn't go) and this past week texted "just to see how you are doing" - he says it's appropriate - that I am the one that is inappropriate for "reading between the lines" and not trusting him.
I am currently trying to figure out what the healthy boundaries are for this and wanted to reach out to my alanon friends to get feedback. In all these years with him in the program - women haven't been texting him. I don't find it appropriate - to talk at meetings, etc... - fine - but it just seems really inappropriate to me that a woman would start texting someone else's husband.
We create boundaries for a reason. Your boundary, your call.
From my own experience, with the active A, it always was exactly what I thought it to be. Inappropriate behaviour. I am learning to accept those things that I cant change. Seeking out my own courage to change the things I can. I have ended my relationship with him. He is in denial. I was clear and was not unkind. I am done. This was not a decision made lightly over night. I am tired of repeating the insanity. This is the only way for me.
In support no matter what you choose for you
Take care of you
M
With some men, I can kinda sorta see that a woman texting them would maybe mean nothing. If they were a man who had a sterling history of honesty and loyalty, and the texting was for an obvious purpose, like "I'll have to miss the meeting, could you set out the coffee for me?" (I also mean this to apply to women with men texting them, obviously, but that's not the situation here. But not meaning to imply that it's only men who can be unreliable.)
But your A has a history of sexting with a woman while in a relationship with you! That's a pretty strong violation of appropriateness, and a pretty strong suggestion that he doesn't feel the need to be honest unless he's caught. (And ... maybe not even then? Like -- when he promises not to do anything inappropriate again?)
I would say that if a man in this situation wants to demonstrate real commitment to honesty and integrity, he would understand that his partner is going to be sensitive to his behavior with the phone, and he's going to want to steer clear of anything that might get him in that situation again. Just as recovering drinkers don't want to go into bars, even if they have no intention to drink -- so should a recovering sexter stay away from texts with random women. It may only be one step on the wrong path and he could choose to go no further -- but he should recognize that this is the same path he's been on before. Just as a drinker would understand that walking into that bar is going to make it likelier that he takes the next step after that.
The way I see it, your guy is telling you, in effect, "I'm going to do what I want to do and your trust in me is not a priority for me, except I wish you'd get off my back about it."
The question is what degree of this is something you can live with. Because we all know that we can't control other people. We can browbeat them into saying they agree with us, but we can't actually control their actions. (If only we could!) Some people genuinely don't mind their partner messing around with other people. Some people wish they wouldn't but don't think it's worth breaking up the relationship for. For some people it's a deal-breaker.
He will be watching to see what you do in response (not just what you say) too. So doing what's right for you is the most important thing.
He should play by your rules. Again, you set your boundaries, he is married to you and has to respect this. If he does not, then you need to explain to him what the other options are. Always remember you cant control him, you can only show him where YOU stand with this behavior. At the end of the day, he will do whatever he wants to do and you can only express your wants and needs but nothing more (no control).
My wife was in a relationship with another man since before I even met her. The man is married with children my age and only 2 years after I married her did she decide to tell me. She has a history of adultery. After I forgave her the first time she went out with him again. The second time, shame on me. So I am ending the relationship, she crossed my boundary.
All I can say is.....you know what you can tolerate and cannot.....each experience is different.
It took me being diagnosed with depression to leave him no matter how much my loved ones would try to help me and I wouldn't want to wish it on anyone. I wouldn't want anyone to get to that extent. Marriage is sacred to some, no matter what anyone thinks. If you're confused because of your religion to where marriage is concerned, talk to your religious leader about it. I'm personally Catholic and for the longest time I had a lot of self guilt until I spoke with a priest (who I thought would condemn divorce). He said my chances were good to have an annulment processed and reassured that I was not at fault which was a huge load off my shoulders. Chronic infidelities are definitely red flags.
1. BE STRONG WILLED
DO NOT be in denial about it and trust your instinct. They will tell you ANYTHING to make it seem like it's ok or normal and if it is not normal to you right now, do not give in.
2. Love Yourself, be confident, you valued your marriage and have done your best. Whatever he is doing behind your back and with whom, says a lot about them not you.
3. Take tender loving care of your mental health/state. Surround yourself with people that truly care....like Al-anon. Take the bad, turn it to good....as Life can truly be beautiful. Do not stop living your life to the fullest.
I agree with Grateful TRUST YOUR GUT. It does not matter that he believes it is appropriate...he has a history, period. You may never trust him and that is what he created.
I agree with Grateful TRUST YOUR GUT. It does not matter that he believes it is appropriate...he has a history, period. You may never trust him and that is what he created.
I agree....TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS..............AND this is highly INappropriate.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
TRUST YOUR GUT!!!! When I joined Al-Anon & my husband joined AA, we were told women talk, text with women and men with men! There are a gazillion reasons for this and your gut knows all of them!! You have my support!!!
"he will either drink (or text other women, or ......) or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Ultimately, the right answer for us, in 99% of the cases, is to work & commit to OUR own recoveries, and in time the answers will become clear to us, when we are in a healthier position to see the "what" for exactly what it is.
Thanks for coming here, and hope you keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I agree women with women and men with men with sponsor's and all. In anything I have read and learned, it suggests this if you need outside support.
I too have played detective (and still do at times) and it is a horrible feeling. One I want to stop 100%. My A has given me reasons in the past to question him but because those past reasons (not resent) I am not letting go and that is not good for me. I am trying to get over this but it isn't easy, at all!!! I feel if anyone is not comfortable with something the loved one has a responsibly to make them feel at ease. They may not think at the time it will hurt the other, but once it is voiced I feel they should do what needs to be done to make the other feel comfortable. If this woman doesn't mean anything to him then it should be ok to say good bye to her.
I am not saying this is true in your case, but my past experience, whenever a guy got mad at me for something they did it was out of guilt and the fact they got caught, and I say this because I have asked why or how they could be mad at me for something they did? After I left them, part of my closure thing, needing some answer's. I would talk to him again after things settle down, he might have a different view about this being he has had time to think about it. Sometimes people (in this case maybe him) reacted quickly without thinking about it and was more focused on the fact he got caught or that you didn't have a right to check up on him.
The other thing that works well, just ask if he would feel comfortable if the tables were turned (he may say yes), but at least he will think about it. I wish you luck!
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
Due to my experiences with my A I think it would be beneficial for you to try and focus on you. He is going to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. He has that right, he is an adult. We have no power the key is to work on you so that you care less and less about what he is doing. There are certain things that I have learned are just bare facts of alcoholic behaviour. While active in his disease he wont consider your wants or needs, while active he will do whatever he wants with almost complete disregard to your feelings, while active he will lie, cheat and all the rest. Just because you dont want him too doesnt mean he wont. It all comes back to us, when we care enough about ourselves we begin to accept him and his flaws and we can logically decide what behaviours we wont put up with, then we can set a boundary and then we are tested on it. We may fail a couple of times to defend our boundaries but if we keep on in our own recovery we eventually dfend them because we value ourselves enough to know what we want and need are the most important things in our lives. Whether he has contact with another woman is not really the issue.Take care.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 2nd of November 2013 07:33:39 AM
We get to determine for ourselves what is inappropriate behavior and what isn't. That is our right as humans, a right that we give up in deference to not rocking the boat. The hardest part for me is standing up to someone who is putting down my right to say - I don't want you to do that, if you want a relationship with me ...... and so on. When my ex was cheating on me, he downplayed his behavior, confusing me with the strength of his assurances that everything he was doing was above board and just normal stuff - all the while accusing ME of having affairs to deflect me from paying attention to his actions.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
