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Hello everyone. I am new to this site hoping to get some advice. My husband had a dui two years ago and he really straightened up for a while but then went back to drinking and hiding it from me since i guess the past year. I always know when hes been drinking i dont even have to smell it. So we just made a big move to a new town. He had to leave a job he loved and friends and his bowling league. He has started drinking again and I said ok because I wanted him to be honest about it. It started innocent enough. A couple drinks in the evening after a hard day. Then one day i was out shopping all day with my mom and called him to see if he wanted to meet us at a restaurant. He said yes and it was probably a few minutes from our house and when he got there we could both tell he was drunk. Not fall over drunk slurring his words but too drunk to drive. I dont know why he would do this. Risking getting pulled over and a second time and being in jail away from our three year old. Then last night was the worst in two years. He got drunk in the evening before i put our three year old to bed. He wanted to play with her and i felt uncomfortable and wanted to take her to bed. He didnt want me to and she didnt want me too she loves her daddy so i stood back and tried to keep an eye on them but i cant stand to be around him when hes drinking. He guilt tripped me into buying him alchohol. Mikes harder lemonade. He said he works hard all the time and deserves it and i dont have a job. Im a stay at home mom who suffers from fibromyalgia(muscle pain all over) and interstitial cystitis(a painful bladder disease). Stress like this causes both diseases to flare. He cussed me out when i told him he was acting like his mom which i dont usually entice argu,ents when he is like that but i wanted to take our daughter to bed but she ended up hearing a whole nother side of her daddy and i feel so horrible she did. I took her to her room while she cried and he followed us and grabbed her to hold her and comfort her. I lost it throwing out his drink, packing a bag. It was 11:30 at night my parents live almost two hours away i dont know whhat i was doing. Ive been to alanon i know you are supposed to detach but arent we just waiting out the inevitable that we are going to eventually have to leave this person? I dont want to leave. He is an amazing father when hes sober and i dont want anyone else to be her dad plus he would just get partial custody and i would have to worry if he was sober during visitatons. He could play sober working man for the courts no doubt. She means that much to him. It would be a horrible battle. So i guess thats why i try to control it try to help the man who doesnt want it. Maybe he needs an outlet new friends, a new bowling league. I tell him if he wants to go to the bar with guys from work do it just take a cab. Why is that so bad? I mean why does he hate cabs? Why has he started drinking again. Ive made aa lot of new mommy friends something i havent really had in four years while he always had friends. Maybe he is jealous? I keep feeling like detaching is like giving up on him. Like i might as well leave so my daughter doesnt see the drunk monster he becomes.
Im thinking about leaving today. It just suks because we just moved in this house and i will miss activities with my mommy playgroup tomorrow. I know he might fall off the deep end and i dont want that either. I couldnt leave him with his car to risk him driving drunk. But i dont want him to not have a way to work he might quit and our family needs this job. I probably sound like an idiot i just dont want to talk to my parents or friends because i am embarrassed and dint want to change their opinion of him. Should i leave for a few days god please show me the way
I'm so sorry you're going through this. But glad you have found us. There is a lot to learn about alcoholism, and Al-Anon is a wonderful source of tools and support. I hope you will find a face-to-face meeting in your community. There should be a number of meetings and they say to try six, because they're all different. Find the one that fits best for you. Online support is great but community support is even better -- both is even better than that! The meeting will have free literature you can read. Many meetings have childcare -- if you call the local Al-Anon number in your phone book they will know which ones.
In Al-Anon we learn the three C's: we didn't Cause it (alcoholism), we can't Cure it, we can't Control it. If we could, we would! But sadly it is not possible. The alcoholic himself is the only one who can make the decision to seek recovery. And sadly even when they do, it is on their timeframe, not ours. So it helps us immensely to learn ways to keep our children safe and our lives happy even though our alcoholics may still be drinking. We don't dare wait until they stop before we can lead good and serene lives! But many people on here will testify that it's possible to stop living in the chaos and insanity.
As to whether you should leave or not -- Al-Anon does not take any stand on that (unless there is physical danger) because everyone's situation is different. My experience and observations have been that if/when you decide to leave, it is best to have a clear plan laid out as to what's going to happen in the short and in the long term. Otherwise leaving is just a reactive decision (very sudden) and it adds to the chaos. We all secretly hope that leaving will be a wake-up call for the drinker and that they'll get sober. I'm afraid the disease of alcoholism is stronger than that and it defends itself vigorously. The alcoholic will have all kinds of pretexts for drinking, and often just weave the leaving into the excuses. Sometimes, like my A, he'll swear he'll stop drinking. ("I never depended on it anyway, so it's easy to stop.") And of course we want to believe them. And they believe it themselves. So things get better for a while ... and then we suspect something's wrong .. and they deny it ... and then we find proof ... and then we're back where we started.
So having a longterm plan and support and a good view of how it all works is so helpful. I hope you'll read through the various threads on here, find a meeting, get the literature (the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew is also a favorite), think about getting a sponsor -- and keep coming back. Hugs.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress You are not alone Alanon is a fellowship of people who live with or have lived with the problem of alcoholism We understand as few others can and hold Face to face meetings in most communities. The meeting places can be found by calling the hot line number in the white pages and I urge you to search them out and attend .
I found that breaking the isolation by connecting with others who were walking the same path gave me hope and a feeling of connection that I was really missing in my life.
Alanon tools, support and understanding will provide you with a system of support that will sustain you on whatever road you choose
*I have been to Al-Anon * I am assuming you no longer attend . Detachment dosent mean to desert them , it simply means we don't allow our selves to be emotionally involved in their disease. I didn't want to leave my marriage either and I believe Al-Anon is the reason I was able to stay . I learned here to get my life back regardless of what he was doing I could be happy, I learned to take responsibility for my part in the relationship , I stopped enabling , stopped falling for those stupid arguments , I couldn't do this alone I needed the support of my program friends . Everything I had done to change things wasn't working so I really had nothing to loose but by trying this program . Our kids deserve one sane parent , I learned here to be a better mother , wife and friend . Get the focus back on yourself and your daughter and change what you can . ( Hugs) Louise
I stopped going because most everyone in the group had eventually left their A spouse. My husband was doing good and i got sick and no longer had the energy to stay. I have also always had a problem understanding detachment. What is the point of staying and watching him spiral down. I dont want my daughter to see that. I ended up driving two hours today to stay with my parents. I told him we will come back when he starts AA meetings and commits to getting sober again. He is apologetic and feels bad for what he did but i know any happiness we have together as a family is precious and fleeting. For soon it will all start again but this time i will not engage with him while he is drunk. I really tried not to. I wanted to take my daughter to bed but she was crying for him but instead of saying no go lay with mommy he played on her wants trying to somehow prove she doesnt mind when hes drunk. I dont know how its possible to love this man i hate with such a fire yet the moments we have as a family while sober keep me coming back. He also takes care of me when my diseases flare. He didnt like the last AA meetings because he doesnt believe in A higher power and he had a sponsor who was young and full of himself and talked down to him. I pray that he will find an Aa meeting in our new town that fits and helps him. I will also try to find myself a meeting. I have many books on alanon i just stopped reading. It all felt hopeless being detached and out of control is extremely hard for me. I dont mean to critisize the alanon methods. I just needed to say all this and God bless you for reading it. I prayed someone would
I got to a place in Al-Anon where it just didn't make sense to keep going in it. After awhile in Al-Anon, I was in more pain than I was before I started working it more earnestly when my son presented as a full blown, out of control A when he was forced by his Dad's death to leave the State where he had been living and came to where I was living at age 26. I took a break and then went back. All that I had learned in Al-Anon had helped me do a lot of tough love work that I know I couldn't have done without Al-Anon and the Fellowship - even though I had taken a break from it. I returned, realizing that in getting off the merry-go-round as painful as it was - I had been able to do that because of program work. If I hadn't done it, I would have taken my son back in over and over again - trying again to help him recover and get his life together. I would have gotten older, but nothing would have changed - at least not for me. My son's life hasn't changed much - he doesn't want to pursue recovery. But, I am not contributing to his disease in any way that I know of and I am not allowing my codependency issues to steal my joy either. Sons and husbands are different, but the disease isn't. Lots of support. Keep coming back. Let Al-Anon program work help you get off and stay off the merry-go-round. Wives and mothers are often the most seriously affected by this disease because of reasons spelled out in the pamphlet, "The Merry-Go-Round of Denial." We need the help of the program, the e/s/h of the fellowship, and the guidance and support of an HP untouched by this disease.
You are torn because you dont want to take away your daughters father, but you also dont want your daughter living around an unpredictable alcoholic. I know that is how you feel. My parents also lived 1.5 hours from me when I lived alone with my A and our two kids. I used to 'allow' her to drink as long as it was past 8PM and the kids were asleep. I used to allow her to go somewhere at night past a certain time. Allow allow allow = enabling. You have every right to not allow him to drink around you or your daughter. I dont know the best way for you to enforce this, I got the department of childrens and families involved because I was tired of seeing my wife passed out on the couch with the kids unattended when I got home from work.
You are lucky in that you get to stay home with your daughter to protect her, that should be your priority over all. You can't help him, you need to let him decide, show him the options and let him choose. One of your options should be, you will do everything you can to protect your child from alcohol and reckless behavior.
Oneman you are right I was definitely enabling. Somehow trying to find a way to keep our family together. Last night he drank either it was a whole bottle of nyquil or he got drunk again. See his mom's husband of a year died and hes worried about her and hes falling apart. Ofcourse she is a heavy alchoholic as well and he said last night he wants her to stay with us. So that would be two A's Id be trying to fix. So now Im sick with worry. He said a lot of things last night like how he thinks iI dont love on him enough that we should divorce. I guess he truly doesnt want this family just wants to drink. Did you end up leaving your a? What does child services do?
Oneman you are right I was definitely enabling. Somehow trying to find a way to keep our family together. Last night he drank either it was a whole bottle of nyquil or he got drunk again. See his mom's husband of a year died and hes worried about her and hes falling apart. Ofcourse she is a heavy alchoholic as well and he said last night he wants her to stay with us. So that would be two A's Id be trying to fix. So now Im sick with worry. He said a lot of things last night like how he thinks iI dont love on him enough that we should divorce. I guess he truly doesnt want this family just wants to drink. Did you end up leaving your a? What does child services do?
I went through your exact situation. When my alky was drunk and on pills she would blabber all kinds of things like I dont love her, we should get a divorce and she just wants to 'let loose' and be on her own etc... That stuff is really hurtful. After trying to help her with her drinking and pills I decided that she wasnt going to stop on her own so I am in the process of divorce. Child services didnt really do anything, they are good for nothing, at least in my case. Because I was still legally married she and I both had equal custody so they didnt want to intervene without a court order. But if your situation is drastic from what I understand, you might want to start doing some research online about what to do.
Oneman you are right I was definitely enabling. Somehow trying to find a way to keep our family together. Last night he drank either it was a whole bottle of nyquil or he got drunk again. See his mom's husband of a year died and hes worried about her and hes falling apart. Ofcourse she is a heavy alchoholic as well and he said last night he wants her to stay with us. So that would be two A's Id be trying to fix. So now Im sick with worry. He said a lot of things last night like how he thinks iI dont love on him enough that we should divorce. I guess he truly doesnt want this family just wants to drink. Did you end up leaving your a? What does child services do?
I do know that living with TWO alcoholics is bad news and can easily become an abusive situation. =( I don't blame you for not wanting his mother to live with you guys. When you have TWO alcoholics, espeically if they are family members, things can get ugly very quickly. I lived with my boyfriend and his sister and oh boy their fights got pretty scary--to the point where I was debating whether or not to call the cops. They also have a tendency to gang up on you "Alcoholics vs Sober people" and try to make you feel guilty and like crap. They also can have this sadistic glee in tormenting you because you are not "one of them."
