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MY ACOA double winner BF - clean for 12 years, works the program - has just had a complete shutdown.i We had a great relationship, had a fight and he shut down, asked for space, I had issues giving it to him and we argued, I pushed him to dump me. He said he doesn't know what happened but he doesn't feel the same for me. It's like a lightswitch went off in his head - black and white thinking and he is numb and shutdown. He is getting therapy, going to more meetings and wants to fix himself. I triggered him with the arguement and I told him I loved him for the first time.
I am heartbroken, obsessive and going to meetings, got a sponsor and I'm seeing a therapist - doing some self care.
My codie question is does anyone else have experience with this type of behaviour? Will he eventually stop blaming me and see it's his issues? Is there any hope of reconciliation over time?
If he is looking at his part in it, he isn't blaming you for all of it and if you are looking for your part in it then you're doing what we learn to do...clean ourside of the street. My sponsor taught me "don't react" part of which I learned was putting time between the trigger and my response and I learned that it was in the time/space between what happened and how I respond to it, that I would find God. It's what I do today. Had a face to face with a sponsee this morning about this same thing...kinda...sorta and the sponsee had gone right into "fix it" mode rather than "let go and let God mode"...the sponsee knew that the rush to "fix it" was about her ego going "oooops" rather than lets take a longer softer look at this rather than self or other blame and justifications and excuses and the reactionary stuff we do alot of. You recognize that "something" happened and it might not be what he fear in your brain and your body is telling you. You can't push him to drink or anything else if he's got a program that's working. My wife and I are both in recovery...I am also a double and we trust our programs and can cause each other to stretch in our programs without worrying about a breaking point. When the day ends it ends and when the morning comes a new day starts...just like program tells us. Trust your program...Trust his program...above all trust your HP and the first 3 steps...the "trust God" steps. Keep coming back, you're family. ((((hugs)))... You don't really just "Grumble" do you.
That's like when you break up with someone and they say "It's not you...it's me!" Okay, well nobody wants to hear that but it's true in most cases. You don't really care if he blames your or him, you just want him back it sounds like. No break up is easy but it helps to adopt the attitude of "You don't want to be with me...there is the door. Bye." This frees you and others to be in a relationship with you out of choice and not neediness or fear of hurting your feelings by ending things. Hold your head up high Grumble. There's other fish in the sea. You don't "need" this one. If he come back with his crap worked out great...but if not you are great anyhow...his loss. Besides, you don't deserve to be with someone who would break up with you and then be like "Oh it was me having issues....I want to make up." I put up with that junk in past relationships. Its demeaning for me to hold out for someone that isn't committed to me. Screw them. Love yourself and know you deserve more than to hang on to someone who is on the fence or who has issues like you are describing.
Oh boy, have I had experience with this, yes! I can tell you that it revealed two things, neither of which I paid attention to. 1) It revealed that he had an attitude of "If anything's wrong, I'm outta here." There was no "I wonder how this happened" or "We have a good thing going, now we just need to get through this bump in the road." Much less any "I wonder what my part in this was." It was indeed just like a switch flipped. "Something went wrong. I'm done." So I knew that about him at that point. But just as we do with alcoholics (before we're in recovery), I thought I could just explain it to him -- he'd see the light -- he'd be sorry he hurt me -- he'd understand how his sudden decisions were harmful and unnecessary -- we'd live happily ever after... None of this ever happened. He had his whole life to practice this way of walking out, and he wasn't going to change it just because some other person said he should.
2) I found out that when someone does this, it provokes the most clingy, panicky, overwhelming fears in me. "Must make him change his mind! Must make him change his mind! Unendurable!" It's definitely a horrible shock when someone you trusted turns out to be dynsfunctional and hurtful and rejecting. But I didn't pay attention to that saying about "Once burned, twice shy." It was more like "Once burned, sign me up to be burned again! And again! And again!"
Through sheer obsessive doggedness, eventually I made him change his mind. Until he did it the next time. Then after weeks of despair, I finally got him to change his mind again. Until he did it the next time. By that time we were in a merry-go-round of pain (95% mine) and dysfunction. If only I had believed who he was the first time he showed it. Instead it was more like, "I don't care who you really are, I insist on seeing you as what I need!"
I am still patching myself together, years down the line. My ultimate experience is that eventually he will not even consent to being unpursuaded. I wish I had hightailed it out of there with my dignity intact.
The short version is: take very good care of yourself.
I am a lot calmer today. I spoke to my therapist (very versed in trauma) for a long time yesterday and she gave me a lot of food for thought and helped calm my fears.
She also thinks it's his feelings for me that has shut him down. His last relationship he was with an abusive woman and he relates his feelings to his lifelong trauma. When I asked him if this shutdown had happened before he said yes when I was drinking. My therapist said as long as I can stay calm and not react, not chase or add pressure - over long periods - there is a chance of reconcillation and that for now I need to be the slow and steady friend. This is out of my comfort zone but is easier to correct my usual behaviour of panic because he is being as honest with me as he can and he really is a good person. Being vulnerable will be really hard for me. This relationship is unlike any relationship I've had where I do trust and believe in him as a person and I'm certain he feels the same of me. Both our issues are trauma-based, childhood, and fear and we need to work on our stuff seperately. I also know this is not my issue and I am trying to detach. I know I am not the person who can help him right now so I need to let him do what he needs to do and he's getting help, of his own volition, and has support - as am I and this time I'm really willing to delve deep and fix my defects, embrace my fears head-on. I am looking at this as an opportunity to fix me and also learn how to communicate better, detach and learn one of my biggest hurdles - patience and vulnerability.
He is talking to another woman. He said he is not looking to get into a relationship with anyone because he knows he has to work on his issues and that he is no good to anyone and can't even be emotionally present for me. In his past he has taken recovery very seriously. In all honesty, when I thought I was recovering I wasn't - I just dated horrible men and put it all on them. This other woman is very pretty and goes to the same events we go to but she is pure victim. She has dated other people there who define her as crazy. My therapist has said that I need to be prepared that there will likely be more that goes on with them (she is asking him for rides to our event and as luck would have it she lives 6 minutes from him) but only because he wants to create more distance (since I have been unable to give it to him) and that it will be short lived. I also think he is talking to her to help her so he doesn't have to feel alone. I didn't get the impression that he's interested and he normally dates women who are strong - this girl plays the poor me card. I said if he steps out, even though we're broken-up, that it's a deal breaker. My therapist said that this time, I have to watch it play out and not react, because she does believe that over a long term if we are both doing the work things will be better - slow and steady. I will be working on my jealousy issue. She still wants me to hold on. not sabotage and not run away. She says there are no guarantees that he will figure himself out - I have not told him what I think is going on because I believe it's his journey. I have to remember that he is in trauma, and this has nothing to do with me, while his feelings for me right now are a trigger.
This time I want what's best for him - not to just be with me, not because he rejected me. I also know my own stuff needs fixing and until we both do the work we will end up back here. There are no guarantees, but I do not want to date, do not want to repeat my patterns, and I have nothing to lose at this point.
I am giving his space but I will still do our activity once a week and let him come to me if he wishes. I hope that I can let go and let God when he shows up with this girl. Mostly I will try and stay calm in my interactions with him and see what plays out. In all honesty I do believe that he is trustworthy and intelligent enough to see this girl's manipulation, but I still need to prepare for the worst mentally.
