The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So as many of you probably remember my AH filed for divorce in July. Through alanon I detached because really I had no other choice. Seems my detachment escalated his disease and the verbal abuse and anger was off the charts. I do believe my HP took the controls out of my hand because I struggled for years in an unhappy and verbally abusive relationship. I didn't know he had resumed drinking (after 20+ years dry) and when I found out I lacked the strength to get out. Alanon changed all that.
Heres where I am going with this. I live completely alone now and at times the loneliness is unbearable. Weekend especially are hard because everywhere I look I see what seems to be happy couples holding hands and enjoying life. I really struggle not reaching out to stbxah and asking him to come home. Talk about denial and codependent relationships. I know I need to step up the f2f meetings and stay busy, but boy when does it get better?????
I was so lonely that I looked at the kids at school (I taught in the high school) and saw that it seemed like everyone had someone. Shoot. I was jealous of high school kids and having my own little pity party that they had more than I had. I had a bit of a talk with myself and really worked the gratitude list. I had to alphabetize my list to make sure I stayed with it. A- I like apples..... B- I'm grateful for having bananas....... by the time I got to X- I am grateful that someone invented x-rays. Look at how much good they do...... Y-.........Z-.....Zoo. I was getting wacko toward the end but it made me concentrate on what I have rather than the ucky stuff with living with an alcoholic.
And remember how lonely you were when you lived with him. Be grateful you aren't adding to those bad memories.
Hello:) I too feel lonely, and it hurts to see couples with their PDA and affectionate families at the store. Things I don't have and miss. However, I've been reading Codependent No More, and it mentions a "gratitude journal" and I like maryjane's gratitude list! Besides the f2f meetings, maybe check out some groups with a hobby that you've never had time to develop before? Just a thought:) I think I've read that it takes 2 years of recovery for the alcoholic's brain to heal, so maybe it takes the codependent about the same time frame to heal ourselves. Healing is work, that's for sure, but treat yourself to your own love affair, focus on You, love yourself, because you're worth so much more than the pain and trauma of living everyday with alcoholism.
Stay strong, you're worth it!
The more involved I got in doing things I loved to do with people who had the same interests, the less loneliness had a part to play in my emotional life and the less interested I was in being with an SO. I don't know if what helped me will help you. Just thought I'd offer my experience.
I immersed myself in work, still today I work 6-7 days a week doing 6 different jobs. I used to carry the image of donkey with its head down plodding after the carrot on the stick tied to my back until things started to get better. Now I still work too much but can't decide which job to whittle out because I like em all! At the height of my confusion days with ex, when I would miss him mightily, I went into my file of emails and recordings, reminding myself, painfully, of exactly how bad it had been. Reading the anger, insanity and hurt brought the emotions back to surface and I was able to more fully appreciate that my aloneness meant I wasn't having to deal with the chaos of it all. Staying busy causes me to treasure the peace at home. And, I know a lot of surface happy people who if you were a fly on the wall when they are alone together, ain't so happy!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Stay busy, Stay busy, Stay busy, Stay busy, Stay busy, Stay busy. :) No matter what it is. Help others if you can..... make new friends... Before you know it this feeling will get better. Time is such a great thing.
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
