I am debating on letting my 5 year old live with her dad..... - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I am debating on letting my 5 year old live with her dad.....

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Because she has been having a lot of behavioral problems at school and at her afterschool program. While I am in school I obviously haven't been able to give her what she needs. I feel terrible about this, but think it may be the best for her. He is not drinking and is a great dad, he only works until 4 pm and has 2 full days off a week. Her older sister and I will miss her dearly and will only get to see her maybe twice a month, unsure how this will work out. Do I dare try this? Send me the ESH please!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Whatever your decision you make you will know it's the right decision. Also things can change anytime. It's never forever.

You will pray about it and we are here to support your decision and give you the ESH you need.

((( hugs ))))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

What does she feel about this option? What is causing the behavioral problems? In my experience with kids, and how i felt when my parents split up, I would wonder about putting her through another change.

There is a reason she is acting out, but she does not know how to tell you verbally. My way was always to pull them in closer, not send them away. Honestly this is hard as you are doing your best to better yourself, but you are also a mother. Myself I put school off till my kids were older.

For me my kids were my priority.Not saying yours are not, but as I said there are issues that need attention. If it were me, I would feel like Mother sending me away meant she did not want me or love me.

I have faith you will make a good decision. There is no reason you could not give it a try, and see how she responds. If it does not work, bring her back. Maybe she needs the security of her Daddy right now.

hugs,debilyn

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

I've contemplated ideas like this when I have been feeling low, or felt as if I were doing a bad job with my daughter. But it passes in time and I'm glad I have never acted on it because I know that he would be sweet, happy and agreeable when we began the arrangement but getting her back again would be WW3 and probably involve him dragging my name through the mud again and trying to prove to everyone including my daughter that I am a terrible person and mother....because he hasn't turned into a different person, even if he has grown up somewhat- and I know he will do whatever it takes to get what HE wants...regardless of what is best for daughter or anyone else.
Well, I'm just trying to say please be careful, make sure you aren't considering it just because you are having self-doubts or feeling low at the moment.

If you really trust him and think it will be good for her and he'll return her at the end of an agreed time, well, go for it

Hugs. What a difficult decision. My thoughts are with u.

-- Edited by Melly1248 on Monday 28th of October 2013 07:22:23 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

When you say he's not drinking, what does that mean? He used to be an active alcoholic but now he's been working a recovery program for a substantial amount of time (years)? Forgive me for not remembering your exact circumstances. I would be very cautious about having a child live with any other kind of former drinker. Young children can be demanding for even the most balanced of parents. For someone with a fragile sobriety ... well, I would worry about a disaster on several fronts.

Of course I don't know any specifics of why your five-year-old is acting out, but I agree that it's the only way she has of dealing with something that's bothering her. It may be that she worries that her dad has just up and left her because of something that's wrong with her. (Or it may be nothing to do with that. It may be that she's too young for school. It could be that someone at school is bullying her. It could be something entirely different.) But if she is worrying that her dad rejected her because she's not good enough, if you send her away to live with her dad ... well, she could conclude that she's not good enough for you either. Because of that possibility I would be very careful before making that decision. Sometimes they test us: "If I'm bad, will she stop loving me?" You don't want her to conclude, however misguidedly, that the answer is "Yes." That would be even harder to undo.

I agree that exploring therapy, especially family systems therapy, with a good therapist, could be a wonderful help for you all. It might be excellent to see how that can help heal the situation before thinking of more drastic changes. Hang in there.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so glad you brought your thoughts to the board before making a decision. You have some great perspectives to consider. Personally, my heart aches for young girls raised without their mamas. I also understand the angst you must feel to be considering this option. Take your time in making your choice.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I will talk with my counselor about this decision tomorrow and see where that leads. I also have talked to her about it and it is what she wants right now, but she is 5 and I am not letting her make this huge decision. I have talked it over with my 15 year old also and maybe we will all have a counseling session together about this. My ex has parents nearby to help him out and lives in a great small town that the girls have friends in and only a half day of school which may be better for her right now. Anyone else ever give up a kid for a time and have any ESH? Thanks all!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I wonder what will happen when the time ends and you want her back?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers for all of you, BF.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 28th of October 2013 08:51:41 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

He already ruined it and showed he can not pull it off. So there went that.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Hp intervened....you will know what to do with your precious daughter, and, you are just the right mom for her...know that to be true.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

For myself my children were my 1st priority. There could be many reasons beyond the break up with your husband she is acting out. Personally i would get her into therapy first and foremost. Think about what your motives are in giving your child up and seeing her only once or twice a month. Think long term repercussions Will she end up wondering why you kept one child and let go of her? When my brother was using and had an abusive girlfriend I took and raised his daughter. He came to see her everyday without fail. She is 35 now and her dad (my brother) has passed. She held in a lot of anger that in her mind (while it was the most difficult decision he had to make) she was just cast aside so he could stay self involved. There will be long time repercussions without a doubt. No one can make this decision for you, but in your decision making I would be mindful your daughter's thought process

Tasha · Senior Member

This was very calming and healing for my children. I said parts of it often (still do) and at least the whole thing every night after reading books and just before lights out. This was from my inner child work, but it also works wonders for my thinking around my children, and their thinking - ultimately - our connection.

WELCOME TO THE WORLD

I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE A GIRL

YOUR NEEDS ARE OK WITH ME

I LOVE BEING WITH YOU

I ENJOY TAKING CARE OF YOU

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL

I ENJOY PLAYING WITH YOU

I LOVE HOLDING YOU, FEEDING YOU, DRESSING YOU

I LOVE YOU JUST AS YOU ARE

YOU ARE WELCOME INTO MY HOME

YOU ARE SO SPECIAL

IM GLAD YOU WERE BORN

YOU ARE VERY DEAR TO ME

YOU ARE SO MUCH FUN TO PLAY WITH

YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE

I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT

I AM PREPARED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU

YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

BF, It's challenging to be a Mom and even more so when we don't have a reliable partner to count on for the much needed support. I've found in raising my daughter that t's important to continually reach out for that support elsewhere, even if as back up. It took a few tries before I found the right kind of help for my daughter- the support that she desperately needed from an outside party to learn to re-trust herself and her environment (living with me and her Dad living in a separate residency).

We truly don't know what goes on inside their heads and my goal was and is to keep the communication open so that she knows that I can handle anything that she says to me and that we can work any problem out together. At five, the concept is that she is ok and loved and always will be. I am grateful that I found someone who she opened up to and together we could give her the facts and validation that she needed.

My daughter's acting out, in our case, also meant that I needed stronger boundaries with her and with others. It seemed to come at a time when I was afraid that boundaries would do more harm than good. She's now 22 and when she starts acting out, I firm my boundaries and she blossoms.

There were so many times that I thought I wasn't good enough to raise her. I put myself through a demanding Master's program and worked full time when she was younger.I never felt like I could give her enough or be enough but we got through it. As a young lady, she is respectful and proud that I worked and achieved the degree and says that I was a good role model for her. Her watching my struggle demonstrated some positives on how to manage time and overcome obstacles. Good life lessons.

Sometimes it's hard to be a Mom! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing. You're doing great!

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

I'm glad it worked out in your favor, as you are not the alcoholic. At 14 my oldest child 'chose' (was bullied) to go live with (Ex AH) Dad. Poor thing was terrified of turning 14. I let oldest child go without any kind of argument since 14 was the age in this state at that time that the kids could choose which parent to live with. I was then sued for custody of my 9 year old, since my ex-AH already had 'won' the older sibling. I fought. My son later thanked me (at age 15) for having fought for him. At the time of the custody battle though, all I wanted to do was let him go to save him the upheaval and drama of Guardian ad Litem interviews, terrible adult mind-games, alienation, etc. But I had smart, objective friends who said that was a very noble notion, to spare him the upheaval and drama, but that later he may well think you didn't want him, or gave up on him. So I got a cheap lawyer and fought. The court outcome was split custody (which was tough enough on the kid but both homes were at least in the same town). Turns out a few years after the custody case was decided upon, the stepmother turned into an active alcoholic (or was all along, actually). So all that hair loss, triggering of autoimmune problems and two years of utter hell that I endured on fighting for custody of my son, turned out to be a good move in the end. I guess my ESH on this is that through this experience, I learned that even 10 years old is still very young, and a 5 year old is NOT capable of making this decision. Even at 10, my son would say whatever he thought the adult wanted to hear, depending on the context of the conversation at the time. I considered it wise - as others counseled me at the time - to take that decision off of my son as it was not appropriate for that burden to be put on him at that age.

((Hugs)) to you, BreakingFree! I remember the temptation also to think that I was somehow inadequate as a parent when my kids were small (5 years old is still VERY small!). I have read so many of your posts and I just don't see how that's even close to true in your case.

PS: I did give up my kid for a time - and the kid never came back. We are getting closer again now that said kid is an adult, but neither one of us can ever get those years back. Once you have 'given the child up' to the other parent, it's very VERY hard to get them back, especially if the other parent has any ego to speak of and is afraid the courts will make him pay you child support.

(I didn't want to spill too many personal details about my case as the general public can read this)

-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Monday 28th of October 2013 06:49:49 PM

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

The fact that you were even willing to consider it just shows how much you care and are willing to give to your daughter, and even maybe a little to her dad in spite of everything.
We all want to believe the best about people, just not ourselves so much, I think.
Hugz
BTW, my daughter had some shocking behavioural problems at about the same age and I thought I would go insane. I ended up having to home-school her for over a year. Her father kept trying to bully me into handing her over, telling me and anyone that would listen that I clearly wasn't up to the task as we were struggling so much. But we got through it. She outgrew her issues and is the sweetest young lady I could have ever hoped for. And, we got through it together. She knows that above anything else, I cherish being her mother and I think that's a big part of the beautiful, caring and strong little girl that she is.
You're an awesome mum and you guys will get through whatever is troubling her together

-- Edited by Melly1248 on Tuesday 29th of October 2013 03:42:41 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I was trying to think of my little one and had a discussion with a good friend of mine who suggested awhile back how much more time my exAH has then I do for her. After the seed was planted I relaized that was true and that he was a good dad on the occassional weekend when he sees them and can stay sober for a short spurt, but I am unsure of the long haul and even more so after this weekend. His parents are great and helpful and live in the same town as him as well as the school is great and has smaller class sizes. With all I am doing I am not always the most patient and just felt maybe I was not the best parent for her right now. After seeing him get drunk and try his crazy making scheme again this weekend I decided against it, knowing she is in far better hands with me! He is not working a program and my kids are my first priority and maybe I am not perfect but I am doing the best I can! So I will get her into counseling and see where we go from there. I just get so tired of all the notes home and calls from her after school program about her behavior. She is so smart and funny and I read her the above list and she said she knew all that already! I am a good Mom I am just exhausted and trying to figure out what is best for her.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of encouragement and support. Parenting is no easy thing and it can break your heart at times. But, as a friend said to me many years ago when I was struggling as you are now - "You will make many mistakes. You are human. It can't be helped. But, one thing I know you are doing right every day with your children is that you care. And that caring is what can carry them through many difficult experiences."

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers Breaking Free

i am glad you decided to rethink this decision

You are a good mom so Please include that in your "asset list" each day

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for reading this post and sharing your personal ESh with me and helping me decide how to proceed! I am never looking for the easy button, just want to not be selfish with my kids, but they are my kids and I know I take good care of them so why not! Thanks again each and every one of you! I would have regretted this decision. Sending you all love and support right back at you!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile (((BF and girls)))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi bf. It sounds to me like it's you who needs the love and care. It's all on you and it can be overwhelming When kids become challenging. Typically we blame ourselves.it's not healthy to do this and kids pick up on it and act out more. She needs what any wee girl needs and you know how to gI've it. You have had a blip in that you are questioning your own abilities. Part of the whole being. Effected by alcoholism!!!! Everything you have to gI've is enough. Thanks for sharing.x

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

In my experience, being 'selfish' with your kids would mean never letting them see their Dad, or constantly saying bad things about him to them. Like I said before, what I can tell from your posts you are consistently thoughtful, kind and considerate, so I don't think you really come close to being classed as selfish over custody of your kids.

I struggled with that concept too, though. I guess in the end I realized there's nothing much selfish about being insistent on a stable family home life with a routine, and being consistent about it. Didn't matter that I couldn't afford to take the kids to Disney each year (or any year, actually).

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