Am I ready or not - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Am I ready or not

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending (((((((hugs)))))))) to you, wonderful lady. Take good care of yourself.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

doh I slept most of my way through my 50's... I was exhausted- from trying to keep up with my job, and from my life itself....

I was lucky- was able to get through a pain management programme and take on a new job- which tests me, but there is no stress from management.

This was my ESH- handed over along with the serenity prayer. I know we have to say it for ourselves Cathy, because each situation is different...

Take care... aww

David.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

sending you hugs of courage....bad choices screwed it up for me re: retirement, i will have to work a couple of days per week till i drop, but i stash a bit here a bit there and thats all i can do and maybe if my crystal ball says in 5 years i will be in the happy place, i can QUIT and hang out at the health club my insurance pays for and say "bollix" to having to work....I have saved up, by doing w/out about 5 years worth of unemployment if i should lose my jobs, etc.....i could hang in there for about 5 years......i never touch my savings until home ins. time....that is my big bill....

i agree...time to take care of ourselves and let others who aren't pulling the plow with us go.......for sure i can't move ahead unless i am untethered OR have someone pulling his share....that is why i am alone

I was with a guy last year....i think he was just a cheapo b/c i saw no alcohol propensities.....he just did not have the money, he smoked with COPD..so you know the outcome isn't too good........i thought ahead, if i got w/him, i would be saddled w/someone sick, unable to carry his load (hes broker then me) and i would have it harder for sure bc of the illness of copd never gets better.......so i let him go....cigarett smoke i am allergic too, i mean i can't breathe when around it.....I .told him i was too old to hook up w/someone who cannot carry his share of the load and my allergies re: smoking ........i think he was either REAL in debt, OR a spender of sorts b/c his SS is more then me, but he never had any money......also w/copd he , for sure, would not be able to work PT to make things up......he lives with a male friend who carries the load, he pays a small fee for his room and board and that is it.

in all the time we "were friends" he took me out ONCE.....i cooked for us last christmas and the deal was...we share the cleaning........i cook......he helps pay for dinner.........he complained b/c i wanted nice health food oat nut bread and he wanted to buy that cheap kroger brand white garbage......then he squaked b/c i wanted to buy a desert .....with money, he was tighter than a bull's rear end during fly season.............it just did not work w/me...........

his idea of going out and "doing the town" was going to a smokey bar, at the legion and shooting pool.....IF u can see the table through the smoke which would choke me out ..and he hated to lose at games, etc., took it badly, and so i can just see me, I am VERY good at billiards, beating him and enduring him complaining.......my ex fiance owned a nice bar and if i wanted to see him, i had to sit in the bar and i would shoot pool with my friends to kill time and i got real good...won 12 tourneys there in a row.....and that was the "open" where the guys played.....so nooo being in a place where there is smoke is not for me......i want my lungs......and this ex "friend" smoked like this old car i had.....i didn't need a gps on the thing...just follow my smoke.

so yea, u r doing the right thing, its called self preservation.....I am not a gold digger, but i want someone who can at LEAST make as much as me and is willing to pull the plow with me...

remember the bible proverb or whatever about "unevenly yoked" literally if oxen are unevenly yoked and they aren't in sync with their pulling the wagon, they can literally break each other's necks.....i see that with people......grateful said it beautifully....if it is not a match it is not a match.....nothing you can do but accept.....move on....take care of you....

sending HUGSSSS of strength and peace.........take care, my friend.

AngelicH57 · Senior Member

Life isn't a dress rehearsal.. you deserve to be happy!
{{{ Hugs}}}

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

So my dear, what are the reasons you stay? Sounds like you could make a nice little home for you. What makes you want to baysit this a.

He has chosen his life, when are you going to ch.oose yours? Hey I don't care how lonely I get sometimes, I would NEVER put up with a guy who put nothing in to the relationship if he was able.

You are such a responsible, intelligent, woman, I could see you having a great life with out this rock around your neck.

I know change can be scary, but for me, I HATE being where I don't want to be and will scratch and scream to get out of it.

chje

When I left the cabin, it was snowing hard, lots on the ground. Clear up in the mountains , curvy road way up high. I did not care, I'd had enough of the crazy Viet War vets bs, and the meth addicts, landlords who broke the laws over and over, refusing to fix the deck, then I went thru it now am having an mri to have surgery to fix my leg! I don't like leeches. Will not enk able anyone.

LOve is a wonderful thing too. Think about the people you may meet and enjoy, if you drop the rock! hugz, Debilyn

Rose50 · Senior Member

Cathy - When I left my husband 15 years ago, it was the first time I was on my own and it was terrifying. I wasn't earning much money and didn't know if I could make it on my own. It took quite some time to adjust to living alone but I have never regretted my decision. Not for a minute. Do what you feel is right FOR YOU. Life is too short to spend with someone you don't want in your life.

Take care of yourself.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Whatever you decide - your HP has your back.

If I wanted to sleep, eat and spend and wasn't about to make any changes, I wouldn't want somebody telling me I needed to make any changes. I'd only dig my heels in deeper. If it was somebody I really cared about, I'd start noticing that they weren't home much anymore, weren't cooking my meals, weren't cleaning up the messes and left yard work, too. I might get up off my bed or the couch and start checking out exactly WHAT is going on around here.

When they came home from doing things they loved to do, I might notice they're happier than they've seemed in a long time and I might want to check out what they've been doing or start doing it myself. I might even start taking better care of myself, too, and find a reason to live again - not just veg. If it was someone I didn't really care that much about, I might not make any changes at all or wimp around to gain sympathy because s/he isn't home much anymore - poor me. Immature, I know, but left to my own devices those are directions I might choose to go.

Could be - you getting out more could help him get off the couch if you're not 100% sure you want to move on yet?

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy,

Start the warnings when your ready, give him a warning and then when the time comes, give him a date.

Tell him all the things that need to change in order for you to stay and then he will be on probation.

Boundaries...

I was on my own again at I was 62, had some rough financial times, HP will take care of you when the time comes.

Keep comming back!

Bettina

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe a little trip away will help you get clear?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for the stories. I love to read them and get myself grounded knowing I'm not the only one with a problem and it's my problem really not his. He can do whatever he wants but I don't need to participate anymore. I truly think he loves it the way it is. I take care of everything and he can mess around in his 80 grand plus garage once in a while. No I can't park my car in the garage because it's a complete machine shop. He was going to go into business for himself.. yea right.

Everyday I get closer and closer to leaving. I was thinking by Christmas I could do it because I usually get a pretty nice bonus that I could make the move with. I found a really nice place to live to....just not sure I want to in a apartment building...but the views are great. I guess I could rent a small house...just don't want anything too big.

I'm getting more excited about it everyday. No more walking the egg shells, not more waiting until afternoon to clean house, no more worry about the money being spent on things I don't need. To be able to buy something sweet and it not be gone the next day...lol.

I know this is small potato's next to others that live with A's but I'm still unhappy in life.

PS: I got it Catherine

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Bettina....... I will be 62

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

and I'm with Paula - maybe a little trip might do you some good? Grin.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like your partner has depression and is choosing not to treat it and is taking advantage of your enabling tendencies.

deacon · Senior Member

Cathy you have put your whole life into a situation that is bringing you no rewards. I'm all for saving marriages but not if one person is slowly dying inside while the other has things exactly as he wants them. It does take courage to walk away and live on your own but there will be so many more benefits for you. No more walking on eggshells, no more suffering from poor monetary choices that were not yours, no more living beside not with a man. I've read all your posts and it seems to me that you have been living alone for a long, long time even if he is still in the house. It's time for you to take care of yourself and, from what you have written, you have thought this through and are ready.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Deacon

I think I'm lucky because I'm not married to my partner. So no divorce...just separating our belongings which he can have most of it.

I'm going to bed tonight and praying for my sanity. I need to get away from it all. My son, my partner....everyone and start a new life.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathyinaz wrote:
Deacon

I think I'm lucky because I'm not married to my partner. So no divorce...just separating our belongings which he can have most of it.

I'm going to bed tonight and praying for my sanity. I need to get away from it all. My son, my partner....everyone and start a new life.

Starting over can be scary...it was for me, when AH #2 and i split...but i never regretted it...it helped me learn independence...self respect...and of course i found recovery....met a lot of good people...made some good friends through program and most of all i am making friends with me......

your gonna be fine.....it is never too late to begin again....

Tasha · Senior Member

Hugs and lots of love xxxx

karma13 · Senior Member

prayers and blessings coming your way :) I have to say thank you for sharing this. Higher power works in funny ways, and I have to say your share opened up some insight in me. I have been trying to have my will and not god's will in my relationship with my significant other. After three years in the program, I have had progress but not perfection, I still want so much to be loved and wanted. Anyways I want to get married, he doesn't, it really wouldn't be in my best interest, but I love him and our relationship keeps getting better since I began the program.I kept telling myself maybe there is a reason why higher power doesn't want him to marry me, I prayed and meditated. I got my first sign in one of my daily readings and it said you never really own anyone, your kids, your husband, even your property. Everything is on loan from higher power. The second sign was your share, and I just want you to know that it affected me for the better. Thank you and for you and anyone reading, you never know how your share can affect the life of another. I feel peace with what is this afternoon. My esh, three years into the program, I see big courage in you, in your share, to me you sound ready, you are brave :) much love~ Angel :)

-- Edited by karma13 on Tuesday 29th of October 2013 11:15:42 AM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, my Mum done this when she was 61. She left and got a nice little flat for herself. If this is something that you really want then go for it. I just up and left too, left everything behind. To think of it now I dont know where I got the strength, but the strength lasts until you no longer need it. Good luck and we are all here for you no matter what you choose to do.x

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