difficulty with self-care - Al-Anon Family Group

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

difficulty with self-care

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

This past Wednesday, my Dad told me that he may go to a step down unit on Thursday. He is exhausted from lack of sleep that comes with the territory of being in a hospital- that -combined with his stroke affected speech - truly limits how he can express himself. I told him that it was a real treat for me to have spoken to him while he was in the hospital and would miss speaking to him when he returned home. He said that we'd be in touch. I told him that I would not know where he is going if someone didn't tell me. No one has.

Although I have some medical training, I don't know what is going on with him; my Mom and Uncle have held a long standing intolerance for questions. (such as, "what test is Dad getting today?") My Mom says it's "fresh" for me to ask and "why would I want to hurt her like that?" My Uncle replies, "I don't know but the doctor knows and that's good enough for me." or "The hospital is nice, everybody's nice, so he's getting good care."

I used to ask because it helps me understand.

Also, it's important for me to know what my family's medical history is. For example, many years ago, my Mom was treated for breast cancer, had the BRCA test, and, as recently as last year would not give me the result. She said the piece of paper was taking up too much room in her apartment, so she had to throw it out. Mom got enraged at my question and told my Dad that I'm being mean and hurtful to her. My Dad gets upset at me and tells me to stop being so horrible and nasty to my Mom. At my daughter's insistence, I went for the test and am, thankfully, negative. But, if my Mom's test were negative, my daughter and I could have been saved a lot of angst.

So, I don't have any details regarding my Dad's medical history.

In that last conversation with my Mom, she said that her days were numbered and that she was determined to live life to it's fullest and that means without any hurt. So, if I wanted to be in touch, I could keep calling her and she may give it some thought....but she was very busy and didn't know that she'd have time and didn't even know if I'd want the little that she'd offer. She said it wasn't about me, it was about her, but she didn't want to take the time to explain.

Yes, she said that.

Kinda feels like me trying to embrace someone (not really just someone, my Mom) with love and in return get offered poop, but only a little at that, as if I'm not good enough for any more that a little.

When I tell my Aunt and Uncle that I love them, I'm either met with silence or a sarcastic "yeah". I don't know why I'm met with so much anger and coldness. I continue to say what I want for myself, as a way of loving myself and not taking on their issues. My Aunt had been good to me at times, but no longer.

I remember being a little girl, hopping on a bus, taking 2 transfers and walking several blocks to see my Grandmom. My Grandmom, though a very tough and domineering character (my Mom was afraid of her), loved my visits and I loved visiting. One time, my Aunt and Uncle came during one of my visits to her, they were incredulous that I was there without my parents and weren't warm and friendly then either. (No, they didn't offer me a ride back home, even though they didn't live far away- funny that I didn't think about this until just now. It's possible they weren't returning in that direction directly, but clearly, we're not of the same elk.)

It is my understanding that my Aunt and Uncle wanted me to do that for them. I did not. I had made a few attempts, but they were uncomfortable, as my Uncle is condescending.

Thank you for listening. I was up the past few nights, unable to sleep, uncontrollable tears rolling down my cheeks, so I thought it might be helpful to try getting this out yet again. I thought I gave it to HP, but clearly, I haven't let go of my end!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((Bud)))))))))))))))

your post brought up some painful memories for me too.....there is nothing worse then being unwanted/rejected/de-valued/demeaned or folks making you FEEL that way w/their coldness

you are appreciated and cared for HERE and if they can't see the goodness in you, then , like me and my estranged family, that is their loss

i just one day said "i quit---i resign from being the trash bucket for these people" i walked away in peace and good will, wish them the best, but i walked away.....if they don't want me, then so be it....nothing i can do but either let it take me down (nope..not gonna let them win) OR decide to start loving and appreciating me and thus attract the folks who will love and appreciate me....and it is working...

hang in there....u r a valued part of this universe....a beautiful jewel in the great crown of the creator....and creator only makes beauty and love

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks so much Neshema and PP- appreciated. I needed an extra boost this weekend. I am so blessed for MIP and for having good friends in my life.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Bud: Just questions that I don't need answered - they just came to me as I read your share: "Where is the open, fresh, nurturing bread store in your life? Where can you find the loaves of acceptance, approval, unconditional love?"

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Bud

I am so sorry. You are a good and loving daughter. Just know this to be true and Let go and Let god.

In my thoughts and prayers.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Grateful and Hotrod- don't know why it was so difficult to shake off last night. Giving it to God AND letting it go this time.

I know the question was intended for myself, but MIP is a wonderful bread store, as is visiting my daughter- I'll hop on a train and visit with her today, a few close friends, a few colleagues (feels like warm bread when people who work together are on the same proverbial page), and quite often strangers show up as high quality bread stores (I was in the woods running the other day and two other female runners asked if I'd like to join them... I ran better and further than I would have alone and made new friends) .... so many places other than my family. I'm glad that I handed my grandmother's bread recipe to my daughter and not my Mom's!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

bud wrote:
Thanks so much Neshema and PP- appreciated. I needed an extra boost this weekend. I am so blessed for MIP and for having good friends in my life.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bud))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

When I learned we cannot change anyone but ourselves, things became lots easier. If someone is rude to me or whatever then I accept it and move on.Just cuz people are family does not make them loveable people. Plus if they don't accept your love, how sad for them!

they sound like they do not know what love is, so are suspicious of your being demonstrative of your feelings. OH and I got the thing about asking questions too. I kept on asking. When gpa and gma were in the hospital I did not leave them. Slept in a chair next to them. When Grama was dying, I spent a lot of time with her, every time i left the room to go home to feed and come back, I wouild say I love you grama. she would say she loved me too. My icky aunt mary very sarcastically said she already knows that. rrr she did things behind my back too. Grama loved animals like me. So I brought this tiny dog with me to be with her. My aunt complained!I would take naps next to grama. aunt complained to the staff about that too!Was horrible as I am very tender. She never fessed up to it either. She now refuses to give me gramas ring that was promised to me. that hurts.

ugh. I washed my hands of her and whoever else is around her. Why all the good family passed on but her is beyond me. Grampa would say she is too ornery to die...

Surround yourself with good people. Maybe volunteer doing something positive. I used to visit this one rehab and just sit around and talk and listen. LOVED it. They had lost their families too.

I am sad you are going thru this as you deserve to be loved. It is your right as a human.

You have always been so supportive here, you are part of our family!~ love,debilyn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Bud: I'm so glad you decided to treat yourself to being with people who want to share themselves and aren't closed off to love. Trouble with building walls is that the thicker the wall, the less the sun can ever come shining through. There's nothing we can do to stop our loved ones from filling in the cracks of their walls with cement and no matter how brightly and warmly the sun shines - it can't get through to them either.

You are wanting to be in the sun! Celebrate that and keep giving to yourself in the ways you are choosing! Let warmth and light and nurturing people be something you feast on often. (((B)))

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Ugh. I fought that fight with the hubby's family. I wasn't looking for love but at least friendship. I gave up on it. They are all unrecovered from alcoholism or living with it. I didn't know how sick they were at the time. I told the hubby I was done. I would do Christmas with them but that was it. I was told by someone very wise at that time that "the one who cares the least has the most power." ...... and I cared a lot. So I had to care less. My expectations went down to zero and my satisfaction with life went way up. I didn't have that weight dragging me down. I wasn't trying to be friendly and not having it be reciprocated. I got what I expected which was nothing.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

It has taken me a lot of time and working through a lot of pain to realize that these are perhaps spiritually sick people and life has piled up on them. They will most likely punish me for they way they feel if I keep begging for their acceptance so I can remove myself from that role and just live and let live.

i know my family has gotten so sick that I won't be attending holidays with them this year, not to punish them at all, just because after all that had happened it would be ludicrous for me to celebrate anything with them right now. I'll be happily attending meetings and a few Alkathons and staying it of self-pity. I'll pray for them a few times that day that they have a good day And I'll give thanks to God for my life and be of service.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the big hug Neshema.

Debilyn- thanks for your love and support too! This is the best family!
Yes, there is my Grandmother's jewelry that was promised to me that I'm sure that I'll never see. My Uncle will likely take it for his family- at the time he asked my Dad for everything else, and my Dad is not one to quarrel over material things. My Uncle has two sons, and feels that all heirlooms get handed down with the family name. But, when we leave this world, we don't take things with us...

Grateful- thank you for the wall analogy- I can truly appreciate visuals! Yes, I work hard to not have walls so high and thick that I can't enjoy life. I am learning that I can be vulnerable and still feel protected. I can see that this is not a skill or concept that I picked up from my Mom or my family!

Maryjane- thank you- your share is so helpful! I find that the 'he who cares the least has the most power theory' does apply here. Gotta smile at the thought of me telling my Mom that I respect her wishes and will continue to do so...your theory explains why she became more miffed.
Also, very empowering when I think of my Uncle behaving so horribly- so determined to have the most power, and will never have the most because no matter how nasty he gets, he is a hurting little coward at the core. I hadn't thought about it in a while, but my Grandmother - who spoke many languages- used to call him a "nick name" that translates into english as "little pisser". I don't condone name calling and maybe she did not mean it as such and possible that her intention was not the literal translation but more intended to address his nature or actions; a curious hindsight.
There must be some kind of game theory that addresses the conflict between their inauthentic power and the power they want to achieve.

Workingthoughit- Thank you so much for the validation and your share. Exactly, I feel that I'm being punished and there will be more punishment with each exposure to my family. I guess if I were walking around carrying all that negativity, I would want a place to dump it too.... only, they will have to look elsewhere.

I haven't spent holidays with my parents in years- not since the time that they invited my sister and not me. I called them on Thanksgiving day to wish them a happy Thanksgiving and it slipped out that they were having a family dinner (themselves and my sister) - Dad (against my Mom's wishes) said that my daughter (their only grandchild) and I could come if we wanted. I was too underwhelmed to accept.

This year my daughter and her boyfriend invited me to spend Thanksgiving with the boyfriend's family. They're lovely people, but I feel odd- almost shakey at the thought of being around people. I'd stay at a hotel to help alleviate my fear, but am too short on cash right now. It will be good for me to have a positive experience. I'll have to handle whatever emotions or bad memories are stirred. They live in the mountains so it will be like a vacation to be there for a few days... beautiful country to hike and a large lake to sit and contemplate on all things good.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

That sounds nice. I also d

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