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I love my husband so much & i fear for his life. He's drinking 12-14 or more shots of vodka per night plus beer and now I've also been finding canned air duster cans everywhere. A couple months ago I found him passed out in his car with it running & a bottle of canned air in his hand. I'm so afraid that if I leave he will die. My sister asked me if I knew he wouldn't die would I leave. The answer was yes, but there's no way to know that. He has no friends and no contact with family. He works, but can work from home anytime he wants. I'm just so scared and miserable. I know I'm not responsible for his life but the thoughts of leaving him here to die are unbearable and I can't move on with my life. He is so smart & has a great career. We could really have it all if he would just get sober. Hoping to hear from some people that have gone or are going thru similar. My biggest thing is fear of his death and me not being here to stop him from driving or killing himself. I'm scared to stay, because I know what I want for my future and this isn't compatible but if I leave I'm pretty sure he will die.
Oh, that is really bad news. But the reality is that you can't stop him. Yes, I know of some who have died too early from their disease. We all do. That's why we say hate the disease. Love the person. He has his journey through life. You can go with him but you can't change his journey. Only yours.
Welcome to the board and thanks for the memory/post as it has me remembering when I felt and thought that way also. I was sure she would die (my alcoholic/addict wife) and went to the what if's and projecting and fortune telling and all of those "I am soooo certain" processes until my sponsor asked me one night "Could you be wrong"? and that question hit me right in the middle of my ego (easing God out). I didn't dare answer the question "no" because of course that would make me look too self centered and false prideful. I needed to be certain and right God forbid I admit to being wrong one more time and then the proof in the pudding was that she did get clean and sober and to top it off she is my metaphor for humility today. I learned that she started her rehab treatment and for the first two weeks wore a bag over her head telling the rehab clients that she "had come to the understanding that if she didn't allow herself to be blindly led thru recovery...she would not make it".
Could I be wrong? often. Could I learn to trust God? learned how to do that in Al-Anon. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
You are definately not alone. Please checkout alanon face to face meetings and attend. it was at these meetings that I discovered the courage, and wisdom to investigate choices that I was so unaware of and to learn how to live regardless of the alcoholic's drinking or not
I too was so scared that my son would die if I didn't do something to keep him safe. I would always go over to him when I didn't hear from him in a few days. I would lay at night thinking about his death and finding him days later alone and dead. My fear was driving me insane and my anxiety was through the roof.
I have learned I couldn't do anything if that was his choice. I couldn't save him from himself. I told him that one time and from there I started my recovery. It has taken me a year to come to where I am today. I'm still and always will be in recovery but my fear and anxiety is mostly gone. I pray when I have thoughts of death. I have let go and my son as finally realized I'm not there anymore for his disease. I let him have his disease all to himself.
You can't control him and you will never be able to cure him. He has to want it and when you can let him have it completely is when he will realize how bad it is.
I realized it would be better for my son to go to jail on a DUI then for me to try and take care of him. He would have to pay for his choices and stay alive in the process. I would have also called the police if I knew he was driving after a while.
Let him go and let God take care of him as he sees fit.
Start take care of you by attending Al-anon meetings and coming here to MIP. You are not alone and many are going through what your going through right now.
We care and are in support of you starting your recovery
PS: My son could drink a 5th or more a day of Vodka and he almost died twice.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
It is bad enough if the A doesn't care if he or she dies, but what's been worse for me is when my A drinks and drives, and could kill a completely innocent person. I am learning through alanon that I can feel better and stronger no matter what my A is doing. Down the road, I will decide if I can stay or not. I was obsessing daily about leaving. Now I'm just learning how to love myself and not be dragged down into the mud every time my A is self-destructive. I can't make my spouse want to live. But I want to live, Lyne
Im glad you have reached out. Alanon is the place to be. We have all experienced behaviour like this and we have reacted to it. Do you think he knows why you are staying with him? If so he's found a good way to keep you and will continue. Maybe you need to do something different to get different results. Does this make sense? When this happens can you involve emergency services. Let them help him and you can learn to help yourself. It comes down to your life or theirs. For years I lived in his life and did not have my own. You have choices. So does he.
Your post this morning was dejavu for me . I have been in your situation . Many yrs ago my husb left our home after being sober for 9 months . He imediatley started to drink again . * I didn't know about the drinking again .* I went to his office to give him some things he had left in our home , when I saw him I knew , he was the color of concrete , liver extended and his appearance was slovenly . I turned and walked away went home and called an AA friend and said I have to bring him home he can't die alone , my friend reminded me of my choices bring him home and watch him die or leave him where he was and maybe he wouldn't . I knew I could not live with active alcoholism again so chose to leave him where he was remembering that he too had a HP and would take him where he needed to go . We have 24 yrs of sobriety in our home today , I got what I prayed for and all I had to do was step aside so God could get at him . Please find meetings for yourself you need support from people who understand exactly how your feeling . After a few months you will know its okay to stay or its time to go . Louise
I knew a woman once who had 5 years of sobriety and started drinking again. She lost her job, her home, her standing in the community. She ended up on the streets of a big City and got torched by either a boyfriend or a pimp. Got a call about her. Lots of prayers for her. Then, didn't hear a thing about her for about 4 or 5 years ago. Figured she'd died. Went to the beauty salon to get my hair cut about two months ago. As I walked the sidewalk from the parking lot to the salon I passed a very pretty woman, smartly dressed, walking with a cane. She was so striking that I looked at her face closely as I passed her. It was the woman I'd prayed for and figured she'd died. She'd been physically affected by the horrors of her drinking life and she was alive and still beautiful and walking even if it was with a limp. We just don't know what the future holds for our loved ones. We do have to step out of the way and take care of ourselves. Otherwise, there are two of us who are in terrible shape and two of us affecting adversely the loved ones in our lives.
