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Hi everyone, AH has been gone in St Thomas for his sales incentive trip for the past week. I chose not to go for many reasons, including the fact that my mom couldn't fly out to watch our son. Anyway, I am nervous about his homecoming. It's been such a peaceful week, the TV has barely been on, we got lots of school done, and I did a few organizational projects around the house that I'd been putting off. I truly enjoyed my quiet week and not having to be 'light and polite' as my sponsor says to my AH.
Well, he flies back tonight and I'll have to be back to keeping it light and polite. Any other type of conversation just gets us into trouble. For instance, we were all in the car last week and I decided to make small talk so I brought up my sister. I mentioned she had a new boyfriend for the past month and my AH asked, "Are they having sex yet?" Well, that's none of his business quite frankly and that was a bit inappropriate to say in front of our 14 year old. Then, I tried to turn the subject and talked a bit more about her and he says, "I bet they're sleeping together. A guy doesn't stay in a relationship unless he's getting sex. There's no other reason to stay with a woman." By that time, my blood was boiling! I turned around to see my 14 year old's mouth hanging open and I knew it was not the right time to engage my AH, nor is it ever any right time to engage him really.
I told my sponsor the other day that I'm done. I'm finally truly feeling done with this guy. I mean, who says stuff like that with a kid in the car? I know it was a dig on me personally, but geez.....I am going to be going back to the lawyer I met with in September and get a few things ironed out with her. I need to get my financial things in order, come up with a spreadsheet of expenses, and get a resume put together. I am hoping I can hold out until after the holidays. I am also hoping that maybe AH will find his bottom in the meantime and that he might try sobriety soon? Yeah, I still have that eternal hope but as I look at what reality is today, I know I deserve better. I just don't know how things will work out timing wise.
Please pray for me to find the strength to do what's right, to be in God's will, and to stand up for myself when I need to. OH, and for me to have patience because it's really thinning right now!!! Thanks!
ILD - Glad to hear the check in. You sound strong even though the marriage continues to wear on you. What kind of person makes a comment like that with their kid in the car? An alcoholic with narcissistic personality disorder perhaps? I am not trying to patronize with that, just that I know you are hoping for a version of him to come back that is likely gone forever, even though it's buried somewhere in there.
I also know that in early sobriety, one's psychological/psychiatric issues often get magnified at first before they get better...(you can read this in some of the other posts on here where the person's spouse is newly sober and even some where the spouse is sober but still a self-centered jerk). I know AA would make him lots better, but he would be a very tough nut to crack in AA and he would continue needing outside help.
Anyhow, it's a gut wrenching and difficult decision to make. Whether or when you follow through with that or not, it's a testament to your growth that you can even envision yourself single with your son now. You have come quite a ways from where you were a few years ago.
I'm working on staying detached with my SO to. I know how you feel about leaving because I've been wanting to do it for about 2 years now. I can leave but my fear is stopping me. I'm working on that now to change my feelings so I can have a better life.
Take care of you and don't engage...keep it simple.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Sending prayers for a peaceful few days.
Its remarkable the games that our AHs play isn't it? Well done for staying calm, even if it was just on the outside.
Like you I've found that I get a lot done when AH is away - which got me to wondering why I struggled to do what I wanted to do when he was around. These days I try to watch my behaviour and do my best to 'behave as if AH wasn't around'. It doesn't always work, but when it does I feel much better.
Aloha ILD...Aha!! a new phrase for "walking on eggshells" ..."light and polite"...I haven't ever heard that one before. Sounds like it might have been something he used in the car with his comments and then the alcoholic has been described and self centered and such and often it is accompanied with a poor value system. They seem to have thin boundaries when it come to respect for what others might feel, believe and need to be faced with. Course not only alcoholics are self centered like this and you can wear your life out confronting it. Don't do that anymore...just detach. I "took a break" 5 times from my alcoholic addict until I went to an extended break and then the divorce. What I did during those times was hunker down in the program and grow which still helps me now. Stay the course and prayers for sure. ((((hugs))))
I love the comments on here. You sound like you have a lot of strength, even the strength to act calmly in the face of his bizarre comments! Remember we've got your back no matter how you decide to procced.
I like that "light and polite". I have been doing that for lots of years now. I learned when he was still drinking that there were lots of subjects that were off limits. I just didn't want to bring them up and endure the argument. So some people/places/things/thoughts never get talked about. Oh well. That's why I have my AlAnon groups and friends.
As far as your next move?...... You'll know when you know. It will get in your head and you won't be able to talk yourself out of it. You may be nearing that point or you may decide to wait. Don't force it unless you have to.
Hope no matter what choices you make in your marriage you put lots and lots energy and time in loving self care. I know not always easy but we are so worth it and I agree with what has been said. WE got your back here:)
Thanks everyone for the feedback. He came home, was pretty uncommunicative and now is coming to church with us this AM. Go figure. He hardly ever comes to church with us, but whatever. I hate it when he comes but I can't turn him away from church, right, LOL? I always feel like I can't be myself and raise my hands during worship. He makes fun of people who do this and has made it clear that it invades his personal space so I feel like I have to stand there like a robot. Oh well, maybe he'll get something out of it or maybe he's just trying to look like a good dad here?
It's funny, he avoids me like the plague. He won't walk directly through the kitchen if I'm there, he'll go around the back hallway to get to the other side of the house. I sometimes think he thinks I'm some sort of evil witch or something that he has to avoid. I've learned through program, though, that he does these things out of his own shame and self-abuse. He doesn't want to face who he is nor does he want to face me because he knows I know the truth, even if it's not spoken. I don't take on his shame anymore, I let him carry his own load as my own load is heavy enough for me.
Uhm, excuse me, ILD. Maybe I'm a little too independent for my own good at times, but I don't understand why you can't do what you want to do in worship just because he's a sour puss about the whole thing? Too bad about him, is my thinking. My grandfather had a saying, "Oh, is he mad again? Well, he can just get glad again." As far as trying to have any kind of conversation with him about your family or friends - well, that going to the hardware store to buy bread comes to my mind.
I think you are trying to make the best of a very bad situation, but darn! I'm feeling angry and this isn't even my situation. I know you have to do what you think is loving in your situation. I think the most loving thing you are contemplating at this time is the most loving thing you can for yourself! You deserve love and understanding, too! His shame and self-abuse are his issues and they affect you in hurtful ways. I'm glad you can acknowledge that! I know you love your son. I just seldom ever hear that you love yourself. I hope you do, ILD. You are a very loving, patient and caring person whom I appreciate and care about, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 27th of October 2013 08:49:09 PM
Well, I did raise my hands in worship this AM and I couldn't give a rat's *ss about what he thought at this point. So tired of turning off parts of myself to avoid his ridicule (spoken or unspoken). Thank you, grateful, for being so supportive.
