The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress For your information The AMA has labeled Alcoholism as a progressive fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. Drinking is only the tip of the iceberg . The symptoms of the disease are many as it affects the spiritual, mental and physical being. It is actually a disease of negative attitudes drinking or not. Alanon is a fellowship of members who live with or have lived with he disease of alcoholism. You qualify.
In alanon we believe that we are powerless over this disease and that we who are living with it need a program of recovery. The Alanon tools are very much the same as the AA program.
We have face to face meetings in most communities. It is here that we support each other , break the isolation, and learn new tools to live by We too practice the same 12 Steps as members in AA, and attempt to live one day at a time, focused on ourselves and trusting a Higher power.
Please look for alanon meetings in your community ( FOUND INTHE WHITE PAGES) and keep coming back You a re not alone.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 26th of October 2013 08:40:40 AM
Hi. I am new to this board. Fairly new to learning about alcoholism and all that surrounds it. While I had an uncle and an older brother who were both alcoholic, I wasn't around either before they cleaned themselves up. The uncle has passed and my brother and I are almost twenty years apart so we were never really that close, so not sure how I feel about calling him up out of the blue to discuss things regarding alcohol and AA (yet- I am sure we will down the line.) I am in the first real relationship of my life, late bloomer, and he happens to be a recovering alcoholic. He is about three and a half years into the program. I started casually looking at the Big Book or other references occasionally over the year that we've been together. He discusses things pretty openly with me, so he is pretty open to the questions I have about AA , the steps, his story or whatever. Well, he has been saying his sponsor told him he needs to complete step 4 and he knows he needs to but wasn't quite ready to start. He decided its time, and he has started going to a new meeting that focuses on working through the initial inventory. I am glad, because although he is happy where he is , I can tell he needs to try to , I guess I'll call it, process more to get closer to the serenity he needs. So, I decided I was going to read up on this inventory. I started reading the big book and have to say it surprised me. I would never have picked it up or heard of it if it wasn't for him. I think the steps can honestly be applied to anyone, alcohol or no. I have problems letting things go. Things nag at me, or irritate me and I can't seem to let them go. He is the opposite, something happens and he gets upset but almost instantaneously, he is ready to let it go, and believes that it will work out the way its supposed to in the end. While logically, I believe this, it was frustrating me to no end when he didn't seem to get upset over things-it seemed at time that he didn't care about very important matters, now that I've read most of the book, I can see why he is taking that road. He's giving it over to God. So if nothing else, the book has given me better insight to him and why he is the way he is. I am sure I am not in a unique situation but I am not an alcoholic, and I didn't know him while he was actively drinking, I find that I want to talk to someone else who is in or has been in that situation. I haven't been through the darkest places with him, and I haven't been hurt by the drinking as many partners of alcoholics are. I want to understand him better and help him get to a place of better healing, and apparently I have work to do on me as I realized reading the book. I am not sure what my point of this is, except to say is there anyone else that has not had a problem themselves then found themselves in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic and felt awkward about overstepping boundaries ( with him and with other AA members potentially as I just went to a meeting last night for the first time) or trying to understand the mindset of a member and learning to relate with them? Because as much as I haven't been in a serious relationship before, this seems to be an added level that takes more patience even though he is as I said, three and a half years into the program.
Thanks, hotrod. I plan on coming back. And continuing to work on me, for me and for him. I guess I was naïve when I first started the relationship , thinking he had conquered and it was just a matter of willpower from here out. WRONG! Thank God for the internet and the resources that have been so easy to find like this site and where to find the big book and meeting listings. Otherwise, I don't know how I would have started this process of learning.
I hope you will look up local Al-Anon meetings in you area an attend! Although you have not been threw the drinking years with him, if you plan to continue to develop your relationship, Al-Anon will help you! As you stated, you can see through the Big Book how the steps can help everyone! We agree with you! You too will work all the same 12 steps once you have become a member of Al-Anon:) Its an awesome journey!! I love that you are reading the Big Book Of Alcoholics Anonymous:) I suggest it to the women that I sponsor:) Very helpful to all of us! So glad you are here, go find face to face Al-Anon meetings, you will have the right gal placed in your life to become your sponsor and be able to share this journey with your significant other:)
Thanks Mimi. I have looked them up, unfortunately not a lot in my area. Don't drive so that limits me some. But there are a couple and I will check out a meeting soon. I think I shall be doing a lot of reading too. I want this relationship to last a long time, so every tool I can find is a blessing :)
Alcoholics (even in sobriety) can be pretty dominating. The tendency is for the partner to spend so much time focusing on them and trying to make them happy that the partner of the alcholic loses identity and focus on who they are and what they like. That's what alanon is for. It's for you, but it is so you keep yourself and your own needs at the forefrunt. At first you might not feel like you fit in because many of the alanon members will be struggling and wanting support for their suffering and coping with the devastation of having active alcoholics in their lives. Nonetheless, as you stick around, you'll find wisdom from those that are not in the thick of a tumultous relationship with an active alchoholic - there are those that have no relationships with active As at the moment, and those who are like you also (partners in AA and seemingly adjusting).
Everyone here is wise and pinkchip is one of the especially wise. In your post I hear a lot about supporting your recovering A and helping him heal. Of course we all want to be supportive to our partners. The thing about alcoholics, though, is that they are used to the world being all about them. They suck up the energy and attention of those around them. So the best way we can help make things get back into balance is not to focus on their healing and recovery. Instead we focus on the only recovery we have some control over -- our own. You're right that everyone could use the steps and the tools, non-alcoholics as much as alcoholics. None of us came from perfect families and none of us developed superhuman coping skills. So we can all grow and learn.
One of the prime things we do in Al-Anon is learn to focus on ourselves and hand the alcoholic's recovery back to him. This counters the big tendency of alcoholics to "outsource" all of their problems and solutions, as if they themselves are just pawns being blown around by fate and they "can't help" drinking because the bad world makes them drink. The decision to recover is theirs alone -- no one can make them do it or even help them do it, because believe me, if we could, we would have! But we can make the circumstances healthier by handing them their responsibilities for recovery and then focusing on our own. The number of times I've had to say to myself, "Stay on your own side of the street" would number in the hundreds if not thousands. But dealing with my own self does take all my time and more!
Take good care of yourself! Hope you keep coming back!
Because as much as I haven't been in a serious relationship before, this seems to be an added level that takes more patience even though he is as I said, three and a half years into the program.
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You write "this seems to be an added level". Yup. It is. But for you to understand him different or treat him different is totally wrong. Work hard at respecting him enough that you treat him as a "normal" person, not an alcoholic that needs an added level. It is a difficult balancing act to ignore the signals that he sends that he "needs" you. He should not need you. He should want you. And this, the neediness, is all done with no awareness that it is being done. You are super-sensitive to his signals.... also with no awareness that you are doing it.
Find some meetings and listen to the others there. And keep asking questions on this web site too.
Pink- Thank you. I am looking into/learning/seeking for me primarily. And in the hopes that it helps him that I am working on me too. And I think you hit on what bothers me the most here. While he is, recovering or not, still an alcoholic, I almost feel weird about coming to this since I wasn't there for the worst of times. But I know there are still things he struggles with and will always be faced with new things. As will I. I am trying to understand how he came to a place where he can ( seemingly anyway) let things go so easily. And in coming to the big book, have realized I need to live that way for me, I cannot control many things and I have to trust that God has a plan. This is a hard truth to face for someone who can be quite the control freak.
Mattie- I know its his deal in life to continue to overcome each day. Just as my issues are mine.
Maryjane- I don't intend to treat him different. And I wouldn't say understand him different, but better. He has explained the steps to me before and that he needed to do and live them or he wouldn't be alive. I started looking into this to kind of understand how a person can let things go so easily. I have learned that a- its not easy, b- he is letting it go because he never had it to begin with, they are things he has no control over, and therefore is trusting that God will bring him through it and in one piece no matter the outcome. and c- I have realized I desperately need to work on this myself. i went through a period in my life of deep depression. and some of the events of that time are coming back to me in relation to work. normally i would be very anxious and worried about it but I am testing myself on my faith here. i am trying to live out the hand it over bit too. (only one aspect but the issue looming closest right now) the more i do that , the better and stronger person i become. and in respect to the bf, that shall help us both in being independently together , just travelling the road together because we want to be
It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of what is in your mind. Keep on reading and going to AlAnon and lots of questions will be answered for you. Remember, the Big Book is written for alcoholics. It is a good book for non-alkies also but it speaks to alcoholics in a different way than it does to AlAnon members, the same as AlAnon literature speaks to our problems differently than to alcoholic problems. Alcoholics are "takers" to the nth degree. AlAnons are "givers" to their own detriment. Alcoholics have to learn to be more givers and less takers, and vise versa for AlAnon members.
You are right about me in the giver role, in general, before I ever met him. And I am learning to say no sometimes. And I will admit when we first started going out, I was walking tenderly around the alcohol issue. I wasn't sure if I could or should drink in front of him, I honestly can take it or leave it.. but I didn't want to seem to encourage him to have one. But where I wasn't sure, I asked first, and he knew I had never been around an A so he has been very open in sharing what he was like and how he got to where he is now and just answering questions in general . Thankfully he is on a good path and with His help, will continue. Maybe its because of the program, he tends to be much more of a giver than a taker, as he said to me last night as we were discussing my reading etc, he WAS very dominant when he was drinking and has made a very conscious effort to turn that around, he knows he cant be healthy if he doesn't as he puts it, give it away to keep it. Thankfully I don't have the memories of those dark days, I don't expect there not to be moments or periods of turmoil down the road but sickness and all, he is the man I've come to love. I will continue reading and when the book portion of this page is back up (or if I find posts that have what seem to be good suggestions on readings), I will focus on things more specifically targeted towards al anon.
