Being agnostic about creator's involvement in my life has caused me much sorrow...like i was missing something...robbed of it and , i know, it goes waaay back to as a child when the abuser would tell me he was "doing this to me b/c *god* told him to teach me about sex"

that wasn't the biginning of my troubles re:  hp/god/creator......i remember waaay back as a teeny child, i was told over and over again,  "god is gonna get you for that"    "god is gonna punish you"    it was always something negative......so i began to believe that creator was this angry, hateful, spiteful, capricious being "up there" and waiting for me to screw up so he/she could smash me down

working step 4 of late over this issue, and working it hard w/my sponsor has shown me many things

my sponsor told me her take and my sister told me her take and ya know???  i like the way they told me..."hey....creator is not gonna baby sit you, hand you life, etc., you gotta REACH OUT.....START the energy......do it by visuals,  gratitude, petition,  claiming, visualizing yourself casting the burdens of ANY and ALL negativity within you......

i thought hard about that.....my being filled w/so much hate and resentment and ill will towards those who harmed me...the living and the dead....cursing the abuser's soul   you name it i was full of poison

well these past few weeks, i have been burning my candles and my incense so i can really relax and focus and telling creator that , yes, i have a sucky attitude about creator, but I am WILLING to start over...to learn from scratch.....to look within.....to give up the hate, resentment and ill will and its been working..........i am less angry.......less resentful.....i don't want to bother w/the ones who harmed me,  I don't want to expend anymore energy hating them bc they are not worth it.....

the willingness over and over to give up all those negative feelings is WORKING......

AND bc of this, my karma is better....yea, i have to do the parts that i can and just toss off me the  *what i cannot do*  and let the chips fall where they may

visualizing me being "ok" and meeting my needs.....my sponsor/dear best friend is the one who turned me onto the humana medicare program.............my home insurance kicked me to the curb over my pit bull puppy and low and behold,  lying next to their term. notice was another envelope with a flyer in it from allstate and i let them give me a quote and WOW....if my house passes inspection, i will save $300 on this package......the rep told me what would cause me not to pass and i have zero issues....they did not care i had the pit puppy....

its like the bad spirits are trying to mess me up, but i just keep hammering them with hp's love for me even tho i have my doubts and fears, i am  ACTING AS IF  HP loves me and this stuff is WORKING.....like life has tossed me some really bad crap, but I end up better in the end.....

also program has helped me not be so defensive.....i did't pay , at work,  the july sales tax.........somehow i just overlooked it and bosses didn't catch it but it was MY responsibility........when they told me about it this am,   i thought  "gee i prayed for protection and i have this GOOF facing me"   but i was not gonna let it take me down............i acknowledged that i did it.......dunno how i screwed up , not paying this bill,  but got on it,  after i called the state comptrollers office.......apologized to my bosses and told them i was gonna make this right, get us paid up,  and then after work i hung around on MY TIME to help us get a BIG deal on our trash company......i negotiated a price that will save us $80 per month w/the trash company...........i told them i wanted to do this on MY time b/c it was the right thing to do...................so  the dark forces  can kiss my butt , i didn't let the darkness win this one.........i apologized and found a way to do something real cool for my bosses..........noone was pee'od at me but me, and i am getting over it

its gonna be difficult for me to trust me for a while....i will double and triple check my work for a while....check my "to do drawer"  more carefully and  not let this happen again....in 5 years almost, i never 4got to pay the sales tax........

anyway, i think i am connecting w/my HP within.....i can feel something within guiding me,  and that flyer from allstate arriving in the mail the SAME day the term notice from travelors shows up,  now THAT is no coincidence.............i was amazed......

i feel like the negative energy spirits have been trying to "jab at me"  but so far they have failed b/c i am WILLING to trust in that part of the divine that lives within me............its gonna be a struggle.........i never had an HP........never knew anything about love and protection and i know i gotta do ALL my part and let go the rest and just let the chips fall where they may

this program WORKS.....

I don't want to be an agnostic....w/out a "more powerful friend"   i don't want to be w/out guidance and love and protection.......why should i let my abuser rob me of that?????  he did for a long time......

so really, i experienced spiritual abuse as well.....but i keep saying i am WILLING and being WILLING is beginning to show me some good results......willing to give up the negative within and bring out the positive within

as they say.........give good energy.........receive good energy............and it begins with me......