ABF went on a bender last night. Getting home from work, I could smell the beer and cigarette dive smell before I even opened the door. I went into the bedroom and shut the door, trying to get away from the bar scene stench and his slurred speech. I'd just changed into my fuzzy pajamas and was just about to open my newly arrived Getting Them Sober when he flings the door open and tries to grope me while he's bragging about something awesome he'd done or was about to do. I didn't react the way I should have and after I was told that I was a pain in the a**, it rapidly got worse. He finally went out and closed the door, and I could hear him banging around the house all night until about 6:30. When I ventured out (just now) I'm sure you all can imagine what I found, beer cans and bottles everywhere, food in the sink, on the counter, food or vomit on the towels in the bathroom, just the usual weekend bonus, courtesy of ABF, who loves an early start to the weekend, yay! 

I'm sorry to ramble on, but I would greatly appreciate ESH here. I had recently gone back to Step 1 (or Square 1), and realilze that I've never really progressed beyond there, because I feel so overwhelmed and shaken to the core, that I have no real concept of a higher power. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the beginning stages of dementia or that something is horribly wrong with me. I'm hoping that it's only anxiety or stress causing all of the symptoms that stress me out even further.

Getting to the point (sorry guys), I admit here that my life has become totally unmanageable. I don't feel that I can work the steps or progress any further unless ABF either goes home (to another state), goes into rehab, or goes somewhere else, but he's gotta go.

Can any of you please offer me ESH in how to go about this as non-confrontationally as possible? I don't have a sponsor to ask. I will try to read up on GTS, but I'd really appreciate Real-time advice. Thank you :))

That sounds horrible to live with.  I remember what it was like to live with it.  I felt like I was going insane. 

It feels bad not to indicate that the behavior is awful -- as if you're giving them a free pass.  At the same time, your actions are saying the deeper truth.  If you say, "I can't stand this," but you stay with him, what your actions are saying is "I can stand this."  So it helps to be aware that they're actually looking at what we do, not what we say.

It's certainly fair to say, "I really hate this."  I'm afraid that probably wouldn't be much of a surprise to an A.  They see us as critical kill-joys who hate all their fun.  If they were capable of seeing how to behave so as to have harmony in the home, they wouldn't do this stuff in the first place.

So to me the biggest question would be: what is your bottom line?  At what point does it become intolerable?  Is there a point at which you'd need to stay in the relationship but live separately?  Or would the next step be not staying in the relationship?  Or can you go on like this for X amount of time, or maybe forever?  The chances are sadly excellent that he will not change, except that alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse.

What I didn't do that I wish I'd done is to think seriously about my bottom line.  The whole thing scared me so much that I lived in a fantasy where one day a light bulb would turn on and he'd realize what he'd done and change everything.  So I didn't plan ahead and think about what was good and bad for me.

Take good care of yourself.