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Hi y'all.
Today my new therapist pointed out that I had a lot of perfectionism. (I told her I want the truth).
I agree.
Then I opened up Courage To Change and whaddya know! It said that we develop perfectionism to cope with blame and criticism growing up.
As many of you know my situation with the family is still very current, add to that I am pointed at in blame by a lot of people through slander (I've told you about that too.)
I guess if we act like we can't make a mistake, folks will point when we do, KNOWING we'll react.
Any experience on the solution to perfectionism or other thoughts on the problem?
Thanks!
Along with my perfectionism I still have a lot of dreams, and visions of what I want to happen and who I want to be... ...being a safe place to talk in Alanon I can talk about my doubts and fears- the basement things. But also the attic things- waving at the clouds!
I want to live in the world, serene with myself, and others... for me striking a balance is where I am headed...
When I stopped pointing fingers at others and myself, the finger pointing and blaming seemed to disappear or minimizing itself. In fact, I'm getting better at considering what is said, going inside to ask if its true, and if so agreeing with the person who might call me on it or just my HP or my sponsor. I still get unconsciously nervous about being criticized, judged or blamed but nowhere near where I used to be.
The game's kind of up now for me. If what is said is true - good for me. If what is said isn't true - good for me. Either way I get to practice validating myself, making amends, or letting somebody else's opinion of themselves hang in the air without any interference from me. I value honest feedback if I am out of line. I also value recognizing when somebody thinks they're talking about me but they're really talking about themselves. The truth about me isn't always wonderful and that's okay. I'm not perfect. As long as I'm not pointing fingers or slandering others, I figure I'm doing what I'm supposed to do in relationship to myself and to others. I don't hang out much anymore with folks who constantly criticize me - in fact - I tend to let them know when they are being inappropriate if I think it will help. Most of the time, it doesn't. Just minding my own business and being true to myself seems to help with that perfectionism many of us struggle with or have struggled with in our lifetime.
I learned that trying to be perfect was a set up for being a failure. No one can be perfect. So now I accept that I cannot be perfect and it is quite a relief. Lyne
Since I worked the 4 th through 12 th Step I have lost my need to be perfect and have accepted that, just like the rest of the human race, I am a flawed imperfect human. I do believe that my perfectionism set me aside as being better than others and God like. I was always measuring and comparing . HP lifted that need to compare and compete and now I am one among many. Naturally I needed to be willing to have this defect lifted and I must admit it took time for me to do this as I enjoyed the guilty pleasure of feeling above it all.
When I crashed and burned I saw that this was just a negative tool that kept me isolated and apart .
Perfectionism was on my defect list. I use to think perfect was a good thing. I would not share at meetings at first because I wanted to give a perfect share, have a perfect recovery and get it all right. I have very slowly learned to accept myself as I am assets and defects because that makes me a human being land that's good enough
Yes there is a lot of fear behind not being perfect for me. I like what Zabi said about "not giving a perfect share" in meetings. That is what it looks like for me if I am not God-centered.
I believe the slander I've dealt with in AA and in society, all the finger-pointing, has increased this defect for me since I did the steps.
When folks want to blame and say "you're not good enough" I am realizing now it has worked.
Not feeling good enough is the fear underneath it so the bottom line is forgiving myself and others and stop beating myself up needlessly.
And just know God loves me, He isn't judging me. And to just be myself.
Nice share, WTI. It is the ego that says we are enough. Fortunately, it never has the last word when we work our program and listen to the God of our understanding. Little by little we learn just how deeply and compassionately we are loved and understood by a power greater than ourselves. Lots of support being sent your way.
My perfectionism comes from being blamed and pointed at as the "bad one". I've never had a need to be better than anyone else because I already have a lot going for me in the real, right way.
I'm attractive, sexy, loving, highly intelligent (emotionally intelligent too), interesting, talented (sing awesome, classically trained in music) etc etc.
There are a lot of people who LOVE trying to own me, esp women in AA.
They know I'm the full package.
I don't care how that all sounds either. It's the truth.
But more than anything I have an enormous willingness to work for God. I know what real recovery is and am not looking for a boyfriend or status or any of that stuff, which makes me even more attractive.
I totally get it.
I said these things today to remind myself that I have no need to prove myself or be anyone other than who I am.
Thanks for reading
Remember what others think of you is none of your business. Hard but true. Is this program not about internal. All about looking within. When I look out to what others are doing and become fixated then im doing something wrong. Being sexy and all the rest is kind of irrelevant to me. What is your heart and mind like that's the important parts. What are the positive ways you work your program?
