The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I mentioned that on Wednesday (which was yesterday here, because I'm from the future ), I was planning to head into town, go to a guided meditation and meet with my mum. My daughter had the day off (yes, welcome to Australia where children get days off for important horse-racing events) and I really wanted it to be a good day for both of us. And that AB, who is having a very hard time adjusting to my renewed cheerful and non-reactionary state decided to start a bizarre fight over his paranoid fantasy that I was "going to meet some guy".
Well, I was determined to stay in a good mood and enjoy the day so I woke early, feeling positive and AB came running out saying that he would drive us down to the bank to get out some money he owes me (in case I needed it) and then to drop us at the bus stop (which is a 2.5 minute walk away). So I thanked him and told him there was no need but he insisted. And then he started stomping around and being extremely bossy and angry and telling us to hurry up so I reiterated, he should go back to bed as we were fine and we would see him in the evening. Nope, 5 minutes later he was outside in the car honking the horn and yelling angrily at us to hurry up. Ye Gods.
Then, he drove angrily to the bank making snipey comments, parked the car and told me to walk to the bus-stop (now further away than it was to start with) and I was getting really fed up with his pointless shennanigans and worried I would miss the bus. He said he'd withdraw the money and then meet me at the bus-stop if we hadn't already gone. I swore when I realised I had forgotten my water-bottle and was going to spend 2 hours travelling and thirsty. I looked him in the eye and said "I don't know what you are trying to achieve but I'm going to have a lovely day no matter what you do" and ran off to catch my bus. Well, as the bus pulled in he came running up yelling and waving, money in one hand and a bottle of spring-water in the other. Gave me a quick hug and said "I love you honey. You need to not stress so much, OK?"..... OK honey, I'll take that under advisement
Got on the bus and opened my water- not realising it was carbonated and he had shaken it up by running to the bus stop, so half the bottle fizzed out into my lap. Not great since it was freezing and raining outside and I didn't feel like sitting in a puddle. Well, that got us giggling so, whatever....lol! Anyway we had a wonderful day. Daughter managed to get into the spirit of the meditation (the purpose was for me to attend a class and get a feel for the place and people so that I will feel comfortable going again, I didn't expect that part of the day to be a thrill for her) and then we had a fabulous lunch at the hare-krishna restaurant (her choice, she's kinda an enlightened and adventurous child I'm so blessed) and shopped with mum, who spoilt daughter with expensive halloween decorations and treats for her up-coming party and spoilt me with some really nice underwear (I have to admit I didn't protest too hard). So we three wandered and shopped and really had a fantastic afternoon.
A was extremely friendly and kinda clingy that night and again this evening and actually wanted to talk about it. He said, he's sorry for being "such a s-head" but he's worried because I never want to tell him where I am going or what I am doing, and whenever he comes into the room I close whatever I am doing on the computer. So I said (and he actually listened) that whenever I have tried to share my plans or activities with them he has ridiculed me or turned it into a fight and made me feel like he thinks everything I do is stupid or wrong, so I prefer to just keep it to myself. He seemed shocked and said "I had no idea I had made you feel like that, I'm sorry" and asked me what I have been up to and what I do on the computer. So, since he was listening, I explained that as he has always known, I love to write and write and write and communicate with people and that I write a blog and also on a "self help" forum. He asked me about it and I explained alanon like this (he's never heard of it and I didn't use the name alanon or MIP).
"Basically it's for people like me who have spent too much time worrying about what their partners and children are up to instead of taking positive action in their own lives. So we encourage each other to stop meddling with our families and instead take care of ourselves and do positive and productive things for ourselves. It makes me feel happy and less worried about you and I haven't wanted to tell you about it because I knew you would think it was stupid". So he thought that was just great and then asked me if I would make any money out of it? (lol) I said no, that isn't the purpose but it's getting me back into writing and I've started writing fiction again so indirectly yes. He wasn't satisfied with that and asked again, but isn't there any way you can make money from it? I told him well, I was learning a lot about being positive and that maybe some day I'd use everything I'm learning to write a self help book or something. (LOL). Well he was extremely satisfied with that answer ("oh yeah, those things sell like hotcakes") and walked away very happy and "glad we talked". (I have never, ever seen him glad about talking, ever).
So, he's not a well person and he has some very serious anger and control issues and I do NOT imagine this is some kind of wonderful breakthrough and he's going to miraculously change and everything is going to be wonderful. But it does demonstrate to me that these tools I am learning- calm detachment, self-care, looking after my own side of the street, all of it- and just the fact that I am happier in general- makes me an easier person to communicate with and perhaps the lack of drama between us is giving him space to contemplate his own choices and behaviour and grow a little. It seems positive. I think that's the first time, ever, that I have felt like he was interested in what I had to say, and on top of that, he was encouraging about it.
I've no expectation that it will lead to anything or that he'll be anything other than what he has always been tomorrow but, in this moment, it's good. I feel positive forces at work in me.
So all in all, good things are afoot. I feel like I am on a good path and that I CAN. I just CAN.
(((everyone))) and thanks for letting me ramble
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Thursday 24th of October 2013 12:15:30 PM
Yeah of course, I can't expect that anything I do or say will evoke real change in him; if that ever happens it has to come from deep inside him, and changes in the superficial dealings with me day-to-day aren't going to bring about a profound spiritual awakening for him or whatever. I'm just noticing that he seems to be able to communicate with me more honestly and less defensively when I back right off and keep my focus on me. It's a bonus. It's nice to be able, occasionally, to converse with "the man inside the mask" or whatever. It tells me that I'm not completely insane for loving him in the first place; there was once a person that was worth knowing in there, and still is, hidden under all of his toxic crap.
One of the hardest lessons I learnt (back when I thought that I would learn to "detach and stop enabling to wake him up") was that my recovery won't cause HIS recovery. There is literally nothing I can say or do to make it happen. He may well be like this until the day he dies, and I don't see myself being in his life for long enough to watch that happen because he's too destructive and I will wither and die if I hang around waiting. It's still nice to see him, occasionally. It's nice to be reminded that there was something that caused me to fall in love and stay; I didn't just pick out the meanest most messed up guy I could find and chain myself to him. (sometimes it feels like that).
The funny thing about the meditation class I went to was that it was general meditation; nothing to do with recovery or addiction or anything like that, and I didn't say anything more than "hi" to anyone when I arrived but when the teacher began the class, she said "Instead of reading from our book, I'm going to talk a bit about something that is on my mind today if that's OK" and then she spoke directly to me the entire time although there were 6 other people in the room. Her eyes never left mine. She talked about "letting go of control of others" and how we need to "feel safe to be in our own space and let others feel safe to be in their own space too" and basically, she recited a whole lot of alanon stuff lol!! She also said "Now you might think you have managed to gain control of another person, but try to imagine what would happen if you went away on holiday for 6 months. Imagine that person. What are they doing? Are they doing what you want them to do, or have they breathed a sigh of relief and gone back to doing what is natural to them? They are still throwing their dirty socks on the floor. You can't CHANGE another person. Not really".
You have compassion for the man that suffers. Loathe the effects of the alcohol not the alcoholic. I will always love my A whether we are together or apart. We just need to love ourselves first...the rest will follow and find its place. ;)
Loved your share, Melly. And I loved that you didn't just buy something for your daughter. You bought something for you, too. Unknowingly, I contributed to my kids feeling guilty because I'd buy them things or take them somewhere, but not me. They both told me this when they reached their teens. I was floored. I had no idea it hurt my kids to think only of them. You're showing your daughter that you count, too. She may very well pass that learning on to her kids by treating herself to special lunches and new underwear, too. (((M)))
Oh I wish I had G2B but I meant MY mum spoilt us and bought us some treats
But I do make a point of buying things for both of us because for a long time I found it painfully difficult to spend money on myself and only ever bought for daughter or AB. So I try to set a good example by splurging on both of us when I can LOL
Mel! I imagine everyone in a room where everyone is talking nineteen to the dozen and everyone is listening!
Well, we can do this here...!
My home town was a goldfields town literally hanging over a river bank. It had three pubs, the local called The Bottom, The Middle and The Top Pub. I could walk down the street at 5.30 and hear the burble of voices. At 7.45, as I headed off to the pictures, you could walk past the pubs and it got louder and louder. Like, everyone was talking and NO-ONE was listening.
Its a treat and a privilege to meet and to talk inside of the rooms. Oh yes, it sometimes can get really evocative and sad. But sometimes we can wring tears out of this and erupt into laughter.
Me and my so-and-SO have bin around together to 30 years. It has bin tough and many times it looked like the end. I needed about 130 years of meetings. With the internet I am catching up on that. And my f2f meeting keeps me grounded.
Thanks for you... and for this thread- your confidence and courage Mel.
Oops. I re-read that paragraph and saw that I had misunderstood your meaning. I won't take it back though. I still think it is a good thing you got something for yourself. Grin.
While I was in program and recovery I got to the place where it was right to take inventory of the people I had in my life...who they were, what they had experienced, how they behaved and what they believed and then what they brought to our relationship in spite of who I was in their lives. When I realized what the meaning of "in spite of" mean't I came to understand that she did, they did what ever they decided to do without regard to how it affected me. They did things to keep me attached because I brought some value to the relationship however it wasn't so valueable that they would want to end their own threatening behavior. All of them made superficial changes so that they would not loose the value I brought to the relationship until I couldn't live any longer under their spite. I was raised a care taker, an enabler. My parents and grandparents and others knew I would "take care" and I would and could bring supportive value into their situations and then of course they would not and did not reciprocate and this is the complaint of the enabler...we give it all and it is not refilled. As my counselor in my first addictive marriage said, "you are not being refilled...no love in return". I learned in program that the soul/spirit cannot survive with out mutual, honest, unconditional love and when I learned that I practiced stepping away from people who did not practice it. I don't hang around with people who give love for something in return. If I were to do that again the definition for insanity (doing the same things over and over again expecting different results) would be blaring in my brain 24/7.
Your meditation leader is very intuitive. Keep coming back ((((Hugs))))
Thanks for sharing - I can relate to this every much on all aspects!!!!!
And I always say this (write a self-help book or something).. ALL I have been through and up to today it has to make millions!!! LOL
All of this is also making me ask again what I want to do when I grow up I have always had a HUGE passion for Phycology, boxes and boxes of books Phycology, so into the human mind and helping others, it was almost an obsession in the past. I started going to school to become a Therapist. Well, I met my now Ex husband when I was young and in school. He wanted me home (I was young and dumb so I did). Also, I had a full tine step son to raise on my own (my ex took a job overseas) and ended my college days and never went back.
From time to time I would say I am going back I was MEANT to be a Therapist, but never did. NOW, at age 43 I sit here again, learning a new life and new struggles. Seeing so many hurt. And I am having those darn thoughts again LOL Money wise it isnt feasible but I may just look back into it. I dont know, am I too old to finish and do what I feel I was supposed to do.
Maybe you can do something about your passion? Maybe those questions he (your A) was asking was a sign?
-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Friday 25th of October 2013 09:36:49 AM
__________________
Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
AB was terribly noisy all night so I had precious little sleep. When I finally fell asleep at about 6am, he shook me awake, drunk and upset and incredulous- the phone isn't working! (Possibly because I've been telling him for 4 weeks that if he doesn't pay his share of the bill it will be disconnected.....maybe?) The outrage and disbelief was priceless. You mean it wasn't an empty threat? lol.
Stumbled through the day bleary-eyed and then it was time for the bi-monthly voyage to the other side of the universe to take my daughter to her dads. Started packing my backpack and realised there was a horrible smell. His majesty the cat had decided to pee in my bag again. (Serenity now, serenity now...). Transferred my stuff to another bag and hit the road. Half-way there realised daughter had taken my headphones out of my bag so the shows I'd put on my tablet to watch on the way home were now useless unless I fancied having a crack at lip-reading. Oh well. Serenity now....half-way there I decided I was cold and went to get my scarf from my bag- and there was the smell again. His majesty has peed in that bag too, and the smell has now soaked in to my scarf, hat, new gloves mum brought back from Ireland, wallet...everything. Serenity now, serenity now...missed my train home by 60 seconds and got stuck at Southern Cross station for 2 hours....had a little chat with myself at this point. Why stomp around thinking angry thoughts? How will that help? So I concentrated on the good bits. The friendly station staff, the beautiful old buildings in town, the free wi-fi and good coffee, the icy wind blasting through me and threatening to tear the flesh from my frozen bones...lol.
Finally got on the train and discovered V-line have started providing free entertainment on their country trains- a giant beard (well, there might have been a man underneath it, I couldn't tell) sang every 2nd or 3rd word of his favourite country and western songs all the way home at the top of his lungs and "da-da-da'd the rest of them. He also sang the guitar parts. I thought it was s shame he missed out on hearing his own fantastic performance as he was listening to his headphones the entire time. Lol. I think, in days gone by, I would have been in a rage at this point, silently fuming and mentally shaking my fist at the sky screaming "why do you mock me, whyyyyyy?". But I managed to stay cheerful. The beard was having fun; what's so terrible about that? The more I practice "just being happy anyway", the easier and easier it gets. Wish someone had taught me how to do that when i was younger.
I wonder if it's a skill I can teach my daughter, or just an ability that comes with age?
The more I practice "just being happy anyway", the easier and easier it gets. Wish someone had taught me how to do that when i was younger. I wonder if it's a skill I can teach my daughter, or just an ability that comes with age?
Dear Melly
It certainly sounds as if you had one challenging day!! I admire how you responded and did not fall into the old tapes of negativity and martyrdom. I had a cat years ago who would pee in my shoes and that was an awful experience. and I can still remember it .
I copied the last sentence of your post as it is definitely worth rereading and doing. I too wish I had learned the skill of "Accentuating the positive" when I was younger. Thanks to alanon we both have learned it now
I applaud you and your ability to see the positive,and to learn how to change and then to consider passing it on to your daughter. She will learn this from you
IWTB, I don't think anyone is ever too old to do what they feel born to do. I bet there is a feasible way; if you really want it and throw it open to your HP, opportunities just might arise... maybe this conversation is a sign for you too?
Actually, I started writing a story on the way home, in my mind and as soon as I got in the door I started frantically typing it down while it was still fresh. I haven't had a decent story to tell for a long long time (years) so it felt WONDERFUL to feel characters being born and coming to life again....gee I'm in a good place at the moment. Lol, maybe if I can get my head back into writing fiction I'll babble a bit less at all of you good people....
I don't think I'd really enjoy writing a self-help book lol that was just a suggestion to satisfy the A's desire that I make money from my efforts at personal growth... I wonder if he would go to AA if he was paid for each step he "completed"...HA I bet he would....and he'd want to be the best at it...the state recovery champion with eyes on the national title in 2015.....
I too abandoned my uni career (I was happily working towards being a terminal academic) to get married and be a mother; now I'm studying again but my heart isn't in it and it's taking me forever. I'm starting to think I should just give in to the demon inside that just wants to write until my fingers fall off.
I'm researching digital pens just now, for writing on my epic train and bus journeys....everything is more fun with an expensive plastic gadget of course....
Thanks Betty I really feel, just lately that I'm able to do things that I never thought possible before (like feel happy for no reason), it's funny really because each time I catch myself doing it I'm so pleased, I feel as though I have invented the wheel.
The cat pees on my stuff because I coddled and babied him so much when he was a kitten that he now thinks he owns me and punishes me when I don't pay him the attention he demands...codependent pet-ownership I suppose.....lol!
I do understand. I always said i wish that there was an alacat that my cat could attend. Actually with me atttending alanon he got it by osmosis and did not like it at first
Well.................. whatever it may be....... and when you publish let me know!!!
I have pages upon pages of things I have typed or have written over the years. Because again, I have always had a book in mind!! Not sure what kind, most likely a self help book in sad to say, a lot of different areas, but if it helps one person it would be worth it.
I got all my stuff out one day because darn it I was going to put this together and start it (my book)!! Well, it brought up some not good memories and feeling..... given the situation I am in now I thought, prob not good timing and I have to work on me right now. So, for now, I will take all my NEW things I type and write and throw in box LOL
No, you are never too old. Something is pushing me towards this, so if I miss yet another HP sign, shame on me!
Thanks again for your share
__________________
Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
My baby (Biskit) peed on things too - but I loved him so. Just put him down 2 months ago 18yrs old. But his "smell" remains with us LOL I used to get so mad, oh how I wish I had it back. XOXO
__________________
Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
lol Betty, alacat for my kitty and my hound can just come to alanon with me as I suspect he might be a bit codependent himself.
IWTB, part of the reason I stopped writing years ago was because everything i wrote came from a place of pain; I was re-living every bad experience in the guise of fictional characters and circumstances and it felt like I was just wallowing in my own misery. I wrote 3 almost-complete novels and I can't really stand to even read them now because they are so full of my sadness and hopelessness. So yeah, they sit in a box and probably will forever. But it isn't like that now; I've made peace with those stories and I'm ready to start new ones.
Melly, I haven't been on much lately, but I read you share and really enjoyed reading it.
I noticed that when I changed my behavior my AH changed some behavior too. Sometimes I felt like he was literally confused how to behave after I stepped out of some of the unhealthy patterns - like, thrown off balance! And also I have been leaving him alone a lot more to figure stuff out - how to handle events, annoyances, and emotions on his own all of a sudden - resisting my habit to step in and manage him. I think it resulted in some forced growth? for him. Families or relationships are like gears that work together - when one part changes, the other part is often forced to adapt. Sounds to me like your recovery is working. Keep working your recovery!!!
And loved your bit about the "beard"! Yes, this IS a skill you can teach your daughter! You are modeling it for her all the time, with every decision you make and every time you choose to respond with serenity! She is lucky to have you.
), I was planning to head into town, go to a guided meditation and meet with my mum. My daughter had the day off (yes, welcome to Australia where children get days off for important horse-racing events) and I really wanted it to be a good day for both of us. And that AB, who is having a very hard time adjusting to my renewed cheerful and non-reactionary state decided to start a bizarre fight over his paranoid fantasy that I was "going to meet some guy". 
Well.................. whatever it may be....... and when you publish let me know!!!