"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Bobbi · Member

Messing up

Bobbi · Member

Thanks :) I'm trying not to be to hard on myself. Our relationship has been so strained. Because of his addiction, depression, and my issues that well, come from long before we got together. Just raw today. Anxious and tired.

I know I need to go to a meeting. I know, logically, that it will probably do me a whole lot of good. Gotta get beyond my fear. I'm working on it.

-- Edited by Bobbi on Thursday 24th of October 2013 11:37:48 AM

Mari1978 · Senior Member

((Bobbi))

Are you attending any f2f meetings? Do you have a sponsor to call?
I screw up all the time. Yesturday I caught myself in a frenzie and thankfully texted my sister in law who is also an alononer. A good solid reminder of detaching with love was all I needed to hear. What a relief. We make mistakes, we are human its the only way I learn.
You are here. Be gentle on yourself. One day at a time. If you feel amends need to be made. Then do so. Then let go and let God. Focus on you and please keep coming back.

In love and support
M

Bobbi · Member

I haven't made it to a meeting yet. Last week was going to be my first meeting but my son got sick and then so generously shared his sickness with me. :) such a thoughtful boy...ha I know I need to go to a meeting. I've been putting off going for a while now. I'm more comfortable with the anonymity offered here. I can plaster on my smile and leave the house and there isn't a single person out there who will recognize me. But the idea that my face and problems will be known to people I may or may not pass on the streets, terrifies me. Irrational, maybe. It's not like I'll be branded or video taped and posted all over the city. I'm not ready yet for the face to face.

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think this is extremely common Bobbi. I do it (let all of my stored up resentments out right when he's being nice) and I've read many stories of others doing it and feeling awful about it. I personally think when the A in our lives starts being nice and attentive, suddenly we sense that they are actually listening and the hurt can just explode out from no-where. Try not to beat yourself up over it

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

http://alanon.activeboard.com/t38730205/okay-so-what-can-we-do/

Hi Bobbi... you say you're not quite ready for meetings yet, which is pretty common, but please remember that doing "only" online recovery can be a bit of a facade, for the reasons you listed in your reasoning of why online stuff is 'easier'. There is some blatant honesty and soul-bearing that goes along with in-person, face-to-face meetings & recovery... When you are ready (i.e. when you are truly "sick and tired of being sick and tired"), I think you will get a lot out of them, and be able to still utilize this forum to supplement your recovery.

In the meantime, I've copied an old post that deals with the issue of detachment rather well.... Active A's can be manipulators, and right now his disease appears to be manipulating you - not only are you feeling the guilt for how you have treated him lately - but also he (more correctly his addiction) is working on ways to further take advantage of this....

Keep learning.... keep being honest with yourself.... and cut yourself a bit of slack here. Living around active alcoholism is too much for most of us to handle on our own, and you truly are doing "the best you could, with what you knew at the time". A good rule of thumb can sometimes be: acknowledge your behavior, then take steps to make the changes that YOU want to make in your behavior. I think we often times dwell in the "beating ourselves up" time of our behaviors, and the A's take full advantage of our vulnerability and use it to feed their disease.

Take care

Tom

Mari1978 · Senior Member

The one thing that intercepted my fear was reading about Lois Wilson and how Al anon came to be. Lois was simply standing outside one evening while an AA meeting was going on in her home and looked and for the first time noticed all the vehicles up and down the street with the spouses of the AA members. She simply knocked on a window of a car and invited them in for a coffee in her kitchen. This, again, was what helped me to finally gain enough courage to go. The book is not approved Al anon literature. Simply my experience.
Just for today I will be kind to myself. Do something for yourself. Whether its a walk in the park or a jump on a trampoline ;) One of my favourite memories and things to look forward to are picking up my stepdaughter and driving in my car with all my girls on a glorious spring day.

Al anon has been a gift to me. It does work if you work it and you are sooo worth it!.
Keep coming back.

M

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand that you don't feel ready for f2f meetings. I remember feeling that way, finally going, attending for a few months, then thinking it wasn't for me and not going, only to come full circle and be a regular many years later. It was the only place that I could go and get the help I desperately needed.

I found that the most efficient way to start feeling better and make changes is to attend meetings regularly and work the steps with a sponsor, with lots and lots of supplemental support from MIP, phone lists, and reading all I can about the disease and how it affects all of those who it touches.

Alanon works when you work it- and you're worth it!

In support.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"