Mounting panic and anxiety - wanting to talk to my exBF AH - Al-Anon Family Group

abell · Member

Mounting panic and anxiety - wanting to talk to my exBF AH

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know where your panic and anxiety is coming from. Mine came from being outside my comfort zone and those were natural responses to being different and seeing life differently. Yeah, there was a pull to return to the old way I'd been living. I missed my old life because I hadn't created my new life yet.

I don't know if you are in Al-Anon? If not, we work the 12 steps starting from 1. Amends making is the 9th step. We don't do that without working the others first. If you are in Al-Anon, then you already know this? Have you talked this over with your sponsor or folks in your fellowship? Have you checked your motives for wanting to make amends right now?

We don't give advice, but we do share out E/S/H. My e/s/h includes not only what I wrote in the first paragraph, but this: When I asked my HP for help and did what I intuited was HP's guidance to me, I moved away from my hometown, the old BF, the old stomping grounds, the old way of thinking, being and doing.

It is my experience that those feelings of anxiety and panic were transitional. They didn't last. They faded into oblivion when I started - with HP's guidance and door opening - to put new flesh on the old bones of my personhood.

I thought a lot of As were my friends. They couldn't be that. They weren't friends to themselves. That was their business. Mine was to become a better friend to myself.

Much support and encouragement to you. The slogan that comes to me is this: This, too, shall pass.

BlueCloud · Senior Member

Dear Abell,

A few years ago, my life came, very unexpectedly, came apart at the seams. Three of my closest relationships (partner, Afather, best friend) ended within a a year or so of each other. The circumstances in each case were different, but it was a profoundly painful and disorienting time. These three people were people were people I thought would be in my life FOREVER, and would be the ones who would be there if I needed anything.

Right after these relationships ended, I got very very debilitatingly sick. So, there I was, sick, alone, and frightened. I was bedridden and I needed help with even the simplest tasks. Eventually, I was diagnosed and put on medication, etc. My illness is chronic, without a cure, but manageable with meds and sensible habits.

Before this happened, I thought FOR SURE that might life depended on just a few people, first and foremost my partner, and secondarily my best friend and father. As I meandered my way through this illness without them, though, new people showed up to help. The RIGHT people showed up to help. In hindsight, I came to see to see that my father in his active alcoholism, my best friend with her own family crisis, and my partner with her own issues, simply weren't available. They wouldn't have been able to help me even if they had been in my life at the time I got sick. I am came to realize that they were cleared out of my life just in time so the right people (doctors, a wonderful yoga teacher, and other friends, and Alanon) could step in.

That's not to say, it didn't suck. It absolutely did. There were many mornings when I woke up crying - feeling so alone, bereft, and abandoned. Over time, though, as I got the help I needed, I could see that I had been so adamant about who I thought would help me in need (partner, father, friend) that I couldn't see that I had a universe of support until I really needed it.

The panic for me and anxiety attacks came on because my life was in such a state of transition. With the help of a good therapist, I learned to self-soothe and manage my anxiety.

Eventually, I got better and life got really, really good again. It took time, though, and I couldn't hurry it along. Today, I am still not in touch with my father or my former best friend but my ex-partner and I are on friendly enough terms for me.

Whether or not you need to make amends, is an issue that can wait until you are well. Getting help for your back and support while you are sick are what are important now. Perhaps it's time to cultivate relationships outside of the one with your A. It doesn't mean you'll never speak to him again, etc. but right now while you are admittedly at your most vulnerable is perhaps not the time to make big decisions. Who else can you reach out to? Work colleagues, Alanon friends, therapist, Doctors, massage therapist, etc.? Who can you call to help you get back on your feet?

When you are physically well, then you can work the steps, speak with a sponsor, etc. and figure out the next right steps (if any) with your A.

In support,

BlueCloud

abell · Member

wow thank you grateful and bluecloud so much for your response. i thank you for hearing my story and being able to relate to what I'm going thru. It really helps to have you explain to me that I'm going thru something very difficult which could be the very reason to NOT deal with the A right now.. i am in a time of transition, i AM outside my comfort zone, and I am injured, but I have worked so hard to be free from him for the last 3 months. Thank you for being supportive and reminding me that I will have people that will help me, my car insurance, my doctor and massage, my friend.. thank you. I am still healing but I was really freaking out about calling the A. I will wait and just hang in there more. One day at a time. He can't help me.. i just thought that his 'love' could help me but when he's partying, he don't care about nobody really :(

oldergal · Senior Member

Abell, there are a few simple things you can do for your anxiety. For me I had to stop drinking coffee/tea that had caffeine in them, exercise and get a good nights sleep. Meditation is a real help. I did end up going to a nurse practitioner and she gave me a low dose of anti-depressant plus weekly visit with a psychologist ...... it was mostly caused by the life changes I was going through, divorce, moving making ends meet for my kids....it all mounted up and ended up in anxiety attacks. They were scary a real feeling of panic. I was alone and had no one to talk to...and that didnt help, I forced myself to look for support. (I didnt have Al-anon back then) Take Care of yourself.... in support OG

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