The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Another approved reading last night in therapy. I say approved because it has taken me almost a year speak to my dry A where it doesnt cause a fight , gets my point across and for positive things to come out of it.More importantly makes me feel better.
I used to be all over the place with my talks and by word 30 I lost him LOL I used to use too many negative words, that didnt work well. I used to try and get everything out at once, doesnt work. With help from my Therapist (who is also a drug and alcohol consoler) he taught me how to structure and reword things the best way to communicate with an alcoholic wet or dry. And to stick to one to two related topics only. And I have had my little hand slapped by my therapist because sometimes I just dont care and say whatever, then I wonder why therapy or our talk didnt go well. LOLWill power!
Before any talk I remind him that this does not discount any of the good things or anything I am grateful for. And I give credit for things that he takes take care of!I found by reminding him of this before I talk takes away his chance of saying "I dont get credit for anything" - "I never make you happy" or "I dont do anything right" - it works. Try it
It works better for me to type or write what I want to say with any of our talks and yes we schedule talk nights (one or two nights a week usually and no more unless we want to! No matter what, no matter how tired or how much we dont want to, we do it. Writing helps me: ONE: it feels better to get it all out, TWO: goes in my journal and so I dont forget THREE: it makes me stay focused. When I am done (whether at home or in Therapy) he is always given the chance to respond and it is ok if he doesnt (well, it isnt I want him to, but I let it go when he doesnt). Sometimes he responds right away and sometimes it is days later when he wants to talk about it. KEY word, days later: it stuck with him and he thought about it that is my goal.Who wants to talk and have it go in one ear and out the other!!
LAST NIGHT- Things have been going pretty good the past few weeks and it has given us a much needed break.But I keep my walls up because I am afraid it wont last. You have been controlling your moods better at home and you have put more effort in showing emotion and love so thank you for that. As of today you havent done anything directly to address your problem. Whether you choose to see it or not the addict is still very much with us! As I have learned and you have told me an alcoholic is a master manipulator, I think your intentions are good but I feel manipulation and distraction is at work right now because you are trying to control behaviors rather than dealing with the issue.I am not trying to be ungrateful for your accomplishments but we simply exist and things are still touchy and very unsettled with us. I think you feel if you dont pick up a drink and control or hide your moods all is ok But the dry drunk is still here and we are still in the red zone. Together we have changed a lot to keep temptation away but eventually I would like somewhat of a normal life back and with or without you - I will.
You are not taking the homework serious or other self-help serious and finding time again.Work is the only thing you take serious and put true effort into.It is your escape and something I feel you are using as a tool so you can cope but you are not seeing other things around you that suffer and are being neglected. My fear: if you ever lost your job how would you handle that? Having that scape goat and safety zone gone? I am unsettled that something as unstable as a JOB is your saving grace. Again, I ask that you find a balance. Small things set you off and yes I am scared of the outcome for when life slaps us in the face, and it will over and over with the current situation you are not prepared for it hence me being scared.
It upsets you when I have had a bad day, dont trust you, if I cry or get anxiety attacks. Although I am learning to cope better I am still going to have my bad days as long as this is actively with us.I ask again for you to please stop worrying about me and how I am feeling and to what you have to so we can move on. I know my coldness has been pretty bad lately and I am working on this.
I also communicated with you that I get angry and resentful because I am putting so much effort into my recovery and effort into letting go of the past and I feel this is one sided. You have taken care of some things to remove stress and I am happy for that but if by chance the subject of you getting help comes up your reaction is "I dont get credit for anything", yes you do but if you tackle something (such as a bill for example) it doesnt mean you get a pass on not addressing your problem. I have accepted the fact I cannot force you recognize or do anything, and I know that I have no control over this. I have also accepted the fact you may never do anything about this at all and that is your choice.But I will always hope you make the right choices.
I will continue to work my program, but until you show me you are serious and do your part I will have a hard time trusting you, I will not feel safe, and I will have my bad and sad days.I love you.
-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Wednesday 23rd of October 2013 12:50:46 PM
-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Wednesday 23rd of October 2013 12:51:59 PM
-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Wednesday 23rd of October 2013 12:54:15 PM
__________________
Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
it has helped me its nice to know I am not the only person who struggles sometimes living with sobriety.
My partner has been in AA for 4 years and sober this time for about 14 months. He has made so much prgress , but while I have been doing the steps etc and work on myself i have identified how I miminise how i feel because i feel I should be happy with how much better it is today. My partner has also turned to work so sometimes I am just as lonely as in the drinking days. When he was actively drinking i could see the illness but when dry it is not as obvious.
We are both just works in progress and i have to try and remember this and try and keep the focus on myself.
Feel fortunate he goes to meetings! Mine is a dry drunk (4 yrs) no meetings or working his program. He does some sefl help stuff (and it helps a little) however, like our Therapists says, if you are a dry drunk you are not dealing with all aspects of your sobriety! And in the danger zone of relapsing.
I almost feel guilty when I say it about work because he is such a hard worker and provider! The average Joe would prob think we were crazy for saying anything bad about that LOL
But bottom line, work is his escape from reality and escaping reality is keeping him from dealing with what he needs to. PLUS, he has as stressful job, so because he lives for his job he lets it consume him and when he has a bad day or really stressful day.. oh boy, the world ends. AND what happens if they lost their job (and it could happen)? I know I cant worry about that or what would happen if he lost his scape goat, but I do I hope someday he finds a hobby and or some type of even balance.
I wish you all the luck keep smiling XOXOXOXO
__________________
Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
One thing my sponsor told me when I wrote letters to my AH: she told me to not use YOU statements because they aren't usually taken very well by A's (using or not). She told me to change my perspective and put in "I" statements about how I felt about his laziness, his anger and rages, or his apathy. Honestly, I found it so hard because all I wanted to do was point the finger at him and tell him how wrong he was and how upset I was about it.
I'm assuming, though, that this letter was presented during marriage therapy where you two were in the presence of a third party and you were asked to give this feedback? I'm sorry, I'm a bit lost on your situation as I have been neglectful in keeping up with the stories and posters here. Well, whatever the circumstance of the letter, I applaud you for being honest about your feelings and taking ownership of them.
Oh, another thing I thought about when it comes to giving letters or sitting down and having talks with them: no expectations. Once I let go of the expectations for my AH to respond a certain way, answer me a certain way, send a lovely letter back to me in response to my heart felt tearjerking letter, etc I was able to just be glad that I let him know MY feelings and I released him from all responsibility to answer back in a certain way. Most times I didn't get the response I hoped for and I would be so disappointed but my sponsor(and my therapist) reminded me that he has every right to live his life as he chooses and it's not fair of me to expect him to respond a certain way. By letting go of expectations, I was able to let go of disappointments in the future.
Not sure if any of this applies, though, to your situation, LOL!
Thanks for sharing that.
I so related to "sometimes I just don't care and say whatever, then I wonder why therapy or our talk didn't go well" lol, sometimes I'm so sure he isn't listening and doesn't care that I just start throwing out whatever random thoughts I have no matter how mean or irrelevant.
I have let go of the expectation of a heartfelt response (or any verbal response) but in recent times I have started to notice that every so often he will do something completely out of the ordinary and I will realise that it comes from a "diatribe" I gave him at an earlier time. For example maybe a month ago I tried to tell him that I don't want to spend all of our spare time together and that I like my space as much as he does but that if we are going to be together than it's imperative for me that we do something special or "relationshippy" on a regular basis and not just act like housemates and ignore each other totally. So as usual he stared out the car window and said "uh-huh, OK can we stop talking about this crap now" and as usual I felt unheard, dismissed, invalidated and angry. But the last 2 Saturdays he has asked me out to dinner (for the first time in YEARS) and made a huge effort to have a special and enjoyable time out with me. The rest of the time he's been intollerable but he did hear what I said and after a time he took action.
I've noticed that this happens a lot; he doesn't communicate back with words but considers it for a long time (weeks even) and then takes action. Now since I made such a big song and dance a while ago about how I am tired of his empty words and I was only going to consider actions, I can't tell whether this is his natural way of responding to conversation or if he's simply following my request...LOL. But it did make me realise he actually does listen no matter how rude and unresponsive he is when I try to talk and if I give him time, he just might do something about whatever issue I have raised.
It's not a "normal" way to communicate to me, but I think it frees him from feeling obliged to make promises and then dissapointing both of us when he gets drunk or in one of his vile moods and does the opposite. (He virtually ALWAYS does the opposite of what he says he is going to do, it's as if it is a compulsion for him). Anyway I've found the best approach with him is to say what I want to say once only, check that he has heard me and then shut up and wait. It's not satisfying communication but it sort of works.
Hi ya Iwantthings back. Thank you again for sharing your recovery with us.. we all can learn from each other... it is so hard to be working our program and they be dragging their feet for what ever reason...I feel your frustration on that one... I read something two days ago in the blue daily meditation ... it said something like... I have no right to take another inventory... to protect myself Yes but not to take their inventory...
I have heard that so many times and my mind has always found away around it...like well... what about this situation...or that situation... I should have the right to take there inventory .... and The Fact is that I can.... But when I do (sadly to often) I always feel worse after....always...
If I take that same energy and work on my program.. my own stuff... and let them do theirs... I feel better.
I am not saying it is easy... when I see my spouse not growing and changing... looking at the things I think she should...
But what I am saying is that " I feel better when I don't take her inventory"
I have been replacing her name where it says alcohol ... and saying it over and over... it is have made a difference in my moods and the way i see her actions.
I hope you don't think I am telling you what to do... at all cause I don't really know your situation.And I believe you are you own best therapist :) This is just something I have been doing and the quality of my days have been improving.
Sending you healing... peaceful moments,
Stillearning
ilovedogs you are correct and I am learning this, wording is key!!!!!!!! And absolutely on the expectation, I used to get upset but I dont anymore.
Melly1248 It took a while but once I realize he heard me an usually did something or other about (not always tho) I decided it didnt matter who he responded at the time or if he responded at all. I realized everyone communicates different but we always seem to want it our way huh LOL
stilllearning I have been doing this too and yes it help!!!! We have come up with different words to associate when we talk and it made us both feel better. Like our therapist says, you can call the disease a tin can if you want, as long as you know what you are talking about!
You all are great. XOXOXO
__________________
Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
