The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Somehow in the course of detaching from my AH with love, I did more detaching and less loving. We're both in recovery and he continues to struggle with the damage I did, pre-program, in the months after his bottom. He feels little trust, love, and security in our relationship and I own my part in that. I know I have a lot of work to do to rebuild that. I find myself frustrated that AH isn't moving along faster onto the forgiving and forgetting part of things. Sometimes, like today, I throw my frustration around, as well as the word divorce, which surely only serves to complicate things.
I'm trying to be loving and kind but struggle at times. The frustration wears thin and I lose my focus. I get caught up in where he's not and wonder where my accolades are for a few days of doing things right. It was tough hearing my sponsor say she supported AH's position tonight, that I'm very clearly wrong. I know I need to do a lot more minding my own business, instead of worrying about him, and keeping mouth shut, it's so much harder to insert my foot that way.
I'm having surgery on Wednesday and will be missing a weeks worth of meetings. I imagine that means I'll be clinging to my HP and talking to my sponsor lots, neither of which is a bad thing. I really do want to do this right, to do my part to mend our relationship. Sometimes it's hard. I hope that in detaching, with very little love, I haven't mortally wounded our relationship.
Tonight I'm praying hard for "the courage to change the things I can" and to see my AH the same way my HP does. Anyhow, I could really use some ESH and would appreciate some recommendations for books if anyone has any. I'll have plenty of time these next few weeks to get some reading in. While I'm asking for things (ha!) if anyone would be willing to share some of the things they do to show their A love, I'd appreciate that too.
Hi. I'm afraid I don't have any e/s/h in this matter. I do want to say hello and send you my best for a speedy recovery following surgery on Wednesday.
Easy does it comes to my mind as I read your share. If you're attending meetings, have a sponsor, are working the steps and focusing on yourself, maybe you're doing all you can do right now? I'm also wondering if a simple, "I'm sorry that today I...." might help you make an amends for today's issue whatever it might be? We can't mend all the problems in the past quickly. It took time to rupture the relationship. It will take time and both of you working your separate programs to mend it.
First, I want to say that your humility and honesty is inspiring. I agree with grateful that perhaps a simple "I am sorry for..." Is a great place to begin in making room for love. Maybe amends to you would be in order? Sounds like you are being hard on yourself.....easy does it. What you are experiencing is typical. You experienced trauma and the road of recovery will be bumpy and worth it.
All of the books offered through al anon are great to read and re-read. I like Melody Beattie's "CoDependent No More" also. i wish you the best with your surgery and keep us posted.
Oh, and I have found one of the most loving things I can do for my spouse is to listen, really listen.
While the surgeon is taking away stuff that isn't working...do the same yourself...give up what isn't working...won't hurt as much and there will be no stitches or scars. I learned how to question my recovery and program when I arrived at the awarenesses you have...When I could see what I was doing and knew it was not helpful or supportive and what I wouldn't want to happen to me and still did it I learned I was into my addiction full on. I learned to cue my recovery behaviors to my feelings of guilt and shame partly and also on to any negative emotions I was having or negative thoughts. I inventory a lot when these things happen (thoughts and feelings) and keep recovery goals right out in front of me. I've had awesome sponsorship and an ongoing desire to learn and follow them. Detaching with love for me meant not only taking my focus off of my alcoholic/addict wife and also at the same time cranking up my honor and respect for her as a child of God and human being. I treated her badly often until I became totally convinced that I would never put up with that behavior from someone else myself. Stay the course...Give him a smile, tweak his cheeks and give him a mushy kiss. ((((hugs))))
