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My esh~ is the guilt for me would be part of my end of the disease,,,the ism...how I was taught to be..to take on that garbage guilt and shame. It will probably always be there to some degree, that's why I keep coming back. I don't think you should feel guilty, he is not good enough for you. He is coming out of a divorce two months, in love with someone else, so right there he is unavailable to you and he's telling you the truth. He wants back in a relationship, because he is codependent. He doesn't want back in one, he needs back in one. That and he drinks* Imo this would not be a healthy relationship to get into, your higher power is showing you those red flags is my guess..that's your intuition go with it... keep looking, how about recovery dating sites? You are spot on with your pickyness, it's ok to adjust your trust accordingly, but this man doesnt sound like he can be trusted. Just my esh. Take what you like leave the rest HUGS The right guy is out there :) Leave it to your higher power
-- Edited by karma13 on Monday 21st of October 2013 05:03:33 PM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
I have stepped out into the dating field and I wonder if I am ready. I have met two men off a dating site and by the 2nd date all I have lost all intrest in them. I see red flags everywhere. Either they have bagage from their past they have not dealt with or they are intrested in one thing only..and I find that unacceptable. I had spoken to them over the telephone after meeting them and by the time I see them again, I have lost complete intrest and the date goes badly! I have done some much work on myself...therapy, AA meetings, journals and I see dysfunction with every man I have met so far. I believe I have become very judgeamental due to my ex alcoholic BF and my past of being in other abusive relationships. My sense of trust toward men is complety gone. I view them in a negative light. I would like to be involved long term but I am so afraid of getting hurt. The last BF I had abused me badly and the one before did the same so my trust level toward men is zero. I find I am not even given any man a chance to really know me before I bail. I keep looking toward god and say if its your will, I will be with the right man. Your will not mine will be done.
I am proud of myself as this weekend, I bailed on the second date! He had to much issues, first he just seperated from his wife 5 months ago, he is in love with another woman- his best friend of 30 years he says, he drinks, does not have a stable home (says he can not find a home due to housing shortage) and he has done some things in his past I find unacceptable and I felt I was his therapist! Red flags went up everywhere for me! I am proud of myself, as in the past I would have ignored the red flags and continued on with this sick man and suffered. Thanks Al-anon for your wisdom! I rather be alone and happy than be with a sick man! I Today, I deserve better and I will not settle for anything less than that!
The stupid thing about all this is I feel guilty for dumping this person! Correction, he is only seperated from his wife for two months and he had said things like he missing being in a relationship and wants to get back into one. I thought, I am not your mother and I can not care for you! Red flag for me. Any feedback would be good, as this man seems real and so open and kind but I am so, so afaid of trusting, as to me this man's niceness this could be a front to something worse down the road.
LOL!! that reminds me of my own past being a dysfunctional male trying to find a better woman than what I had been used to in the disease. Finally my sponsor told me "stop looking...get to work on your program and if and when HP thinks you're ready...the right one will show up and you don't get to choose options...He was right and she did show up and I didn't choose options and this relationship/marriage has lasted longer than the two before it combined. It works when you work it. (((hugs)))
He said things about his past that scared me-having sex with step-mother and step-daughter and recently another incident with his cousin and wife. That was nasty! Scared me half to death! I introduced him to my sister to get her thoughts about him, as I wanted to get a different opinion, and she thought this guy was wonderful! I just about puked! I knew I was dumping him like a hot patatoe. Seeing him face to face the second time just confirmed my intuition about this man- SICK! I am so grateful my higher power is helping me and I will check out dating site for recovering people! sounds heathier!
I was reading in a non cal book the other day and it was talking about the program and it said in that book to not ask for advice from our family of origin...to turn to someone in the program instead. Our family is dependent on us staying the same,and we do not continue to think as they do as we progress in this program. Is your sister in the program? if not that could be why she is liking him...I am not knocking your sister. I would not ask my family of origin for love advice. They have no program. I used to all the time, before I had a program. I still love them, but my relationship with them is different. I have to say I agree with Jerry above~ I think using this time to strengthen your relationship with your higher power and getting very clear on what you want in a relationship. Prayer and meditation~ he will just show up :) Have faith :) blessings on your journey :) Just my esh~
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
There are all kinds of people out there and the internet dating sites often include a slice of everything. The more I work the program, the more healthy people I attract in general. A person who's a good fit will come along when they come along, just keep open to opportunities the best you can.
Friends often remind me of the saying that I've gotta kiss a lot of frogs. One night, I pulled in my driveway after a particularly bad-matched date and in the floodlight was a brown lump. Curious, I put the car in park, got out, and slowly approached the brown mass for a better look- it was a very large, warted toad sitting quietly and staring up at me. Really, HP!?!? Really??? If a good match doesn't come along for me, it will be because of the one that got away. lol
Sounds as if you've really gotten a selection of the dysfunctional folks out there! But I'd argue that this means you're ready all right -- you spotted their dysfunctional right off! That's the self-protective skill we need to find a healthy relationship. Feeling guilty at dumping him isn't so helpful -- because your serenity is the most important thing. But it sounds as if your actions were right on. He held out the bait of dysfunction and you didn't take it! If only we could all say that more often!
I've made really good friends who "had my back" by doing things I loved to do and meeting guys who had the same interests. Some became love interests - some became just very, very good for life friends. By doing things I loved to do, I built up my own self-confidence and had time to build healthy relationships to men who were good for me and me for them. I avoided a lot of frog kissing by doing that. I tried dating a few times and yuck is all I'm going to say about that. Whether I was fixed up with somebody and agreed to go or met them in a place suggested by friends to go for dancing with them - yuck. It only worked for me to follow my bliss.
Trust yourself. If you don't feel right around someone, that's all you need to know. Whether it's something to do with you or it's them it doesn't matter as long as you separate yourself from the potential trouble and keep safe. Most times online dating isn't much fun. Sites that plan big get togethers in public places can better. If you don't do bars, there are social groups that have outings. Lots are free even. It allows you to get to know people and make new friends. The advantage to this is that their isn't a "dating" expectation. Sometimes romances happen just the same but without pressure. You get to become comfortable with people on your terms. Good luck. Don't give up. There are good people out there but it takes time and experience and some bad dates to find someone you feel good with. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Me too Joker, in 5 years since I was divorced, I went out with a man for about 6 months, then I stopped, too much baggage and a ex wife that wouldnt let him go and a 16 year old daughter that had him wrapped, since he was almost old enough to be her grandfather.
Ive know this man since high school and I thought it was a 2nd chance., turned out to be NO Chance.
Joker, its only been two men, when the right one comes , it won't be that stressful or work. I tell my daughter, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.".
So happy that we value ourselves and with the tools of Alanon , our lives will stay serene.
WOW good for you!! And wow do you sound like me (in the past). First I truly feel this is a talent as well, trust me so many cant see and are so blind to red flags they keep dating losers! And yes, you want and feel you deserve the very best!! And you do. So you will find yourself finding fault in every man (person). Second, good for you for not settling!!!! Being alone is a powerful thing, you dont need someone you want someone. Once you conquer the alone thing (mentally and finically) you go in any relationship knowing if this doesnt work I KNOW I will be ok because I dont need you. You dont need someone perfect, just perfect you
Dating can be very exhausting as you know. What I learned (through MUCH pain, self-help and therapy in the past) is when it feels right you will give someone that chance even if they end up having faults. The beauty of that is it is up to you to say if you accept their faults or not. That is what I am up against now. I was single 6 plus yrs one, to better myself and get strong but I was doing exactly what you say you are doing. I gave a few chances along the way and they got by my radar somehow, BUT I let them go quickly. Then I met Tom, finally, someone perfect for me the best love and my best friend, finally I found it, by me holding out for years paid off!!! Until 1 yr later when he slipped and he told me he was an Alcoholic and hid this from me for a YEAR!!!!!!!!! Was I too judgmental on the other guys that probably (in hindsight) had lesser issues than who I am with now? Probably but I dont know that for sure. So now I am at the cross road 2 yrs in saying once again: OK, remember, if this doesnt work I KNOW I will be ok because I dont need you and although I would need a boost and help I know I will be ok if we dont make it. He has added a new thing to my list should I be back out there again, how will I know if this person is an alcoholic? Was my clue that he never drank? I dont know but what is proven to me over and over, you will NEVER know anyone completely especially in the beginning stages. You have to find that nice stable looking foundation and give it a shot because trying to know and learn all about someone is impossible. I am sure people of 20 plus yrs are further ahead in this, but not people out there dating and or only being with someone a few yrs.
I know this sounds not promising LOL but my point is do we ever really know anyone? I surrendered years ago to let my HP bring me who I was supposed to be with and to give me those signs so I know well, he did and gave me tons of signs (positive), but I am not sure if this is another test, a joke or what? Am supposed to stick this out because yes, this is the one or is this another lesson. Time will reveal this I am sure. But it also reminds me that no matter how experienced we think we are or how well our radar works, we ARE not fool proof so we have to give chances and or choose to be alone.
I am sure you have your check list (I did) but follow your gut and your heart and let your mind follow, because your head will get in the way if put first. See this as a talent that not many have but dont let it rule you. Learn to trust again and learn you have no control over anyone else (lots of good books out there). And ask. Does anyone really 100% trust anyone, I think it is extremely rare (and isnt possible unless you are in their head) everyone has doubts about everyone I am SURE of this!! Maybe some trust their loved one 95-99% but not 100%, heck, there are some days I dont trust myself.
Dating sucks, I know, but have fun with it. When I started to do that it was less stressful. Get your free dinners, movies do some things you always wanted to do until Mr right for you comes along. Have fun with it and take your time XOXOXOX
-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Tuesday 22nd of October 2013 09:05:24 AM
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
'In love with another woman for 30 years'???? Not a great disclosure for a second date in my humble opinion I've had to deal with something similar and found that competing with that type of fantasy just isn't worth it.
I've had to deal with something similar and found that competing with that type of fantasy just isn't worth it.