The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So about a year ago I learned a little bit (just the top of the iceberg really) about not enabling an addict. And how this could make them wake up and get it together. So I set about not enabling and I got pretty good at it. Goodbye bowing, scraping, resentful abused little doormat, hello "Oh, you haven't had a kind word for me for weeks and now you're hungry and you don't have any clean clothes to wear? Here's the world's smallest violin. Perhaps you could play it in the street for pennies to spend at the laundromat". (Well that's what I thought, not what I said lol. I said nothing, I just stopped DOING). But my motivation was exactly as I stated- to make him wake up and get it together. And as time wore on and I "detached" (as a way to manipulate him) more and more, he became worried and suddenly "reformed" and became a wonderful shining beacon of quasi-acceptable behaviour. Oh my heavens, it worked, he's cured!! And he did it all for ME ME ME, oh he must love me so.
But as time wore on, his moods, boredom, desire to control someone, evil twin from another universe, or whatever it is that turns him into a monster started to come out to play again. And we both learnt pretty quickly that he could still push my buttons until I was a crying gibbering mess. Suddenly he was back in control.
So when I joined here, I was back to the drawing board. But with a difference. Because after seeing that he CAN be a reasonable and loving guy for an extended period of time, but he chooses not to, I realised he will always choose not to, if he can get away with it. It's his default state. So unless I want to devote my entire future to constantly trying to maintain control by aloofness, there's pretty much no way to have a reciprocal relationship with him.
So here I am again. This time, doing it for me because I finally, finally decided that I want off the merry-go-round. I do not want to manipulate him into being a kind and caring man again because it's not real, it can't last and it hurts when it ends. And it isn't at all natural to him. I do not want to plan and dream and hope with him any longer because these always end in crushing dissapointment. I want better for ME.
And, as I learn to detach with better motivations, predictably, he becomes nicer and more respectful. In fact lately he's been bringing up his own bad behaviour and addictions and wanting to talk about them- why do I think he does the horrible things he does? Do I think it's just the alcohol? Do I think he could be possessed? There must be an explanation, he is certain. Because he's absolutely sure he doesn't want or mean to be that way.
Well, that's between he and his HP (he claims to believe in nothing but that's his business too). To get excited about his new introspection and "desire to change" would be folly and good for me, I'm not feeling even a twinge of excitement about it. I feel pity, maybe. I do love the nice version of him very much, but loving the nice him ends in pain every time and I have had enough of that.
So this time, it is for me. If I do not engage in his drama, I do not become upset. If I do not become upset, he cannot pounce on my weak moments and twist me into a sad mess who becomes obsessed with "bringing back the real him". I do not suffer humiliation if I don't engage. I do not suffer dissapointment and I don't end up believing that "he was trying so hard and I ruined it by being unavailable last Tuesday when he wanted company so it's my fault he's gone back to being awful, I ruined it all again, how could I?" I'm not walking on eggshells all the time frightened to wake up the beast, I guess I mean. It's good. It's peaceful. It affords me time and space to think about what I want and need and achieve those things. His actions, reactions and mood-swings should not and will not impact my ability to have a happy, healthy and productive life any more.
As an example- at the moment, every time I see him he volunteers something that he is "going to" do. (I'm going to clean out your car later, I'm going to mow the lawns tomorrow, I'm going to come to bed early with you tonight, I'm going to devote tomorrow night to you, I'm going to clean up my act, I'm only going to drink on weekends, I'm not going to get drunk anymore, and so on ad infinitum). And as each and every one of these claims turns out to be complete and utter bull-leavings. This used to make me MAD as hell, why, why, WHY do you keep telling me this rubbish and then dissapointing me? Why do you do it? It drove me insane. But now, I respond to these ever more fanciful claims with "mhhm, OK, that sounds great!" and then I smile to myself and have a chuckle as he goes off to do the exact opposite of what he just said.
The result is around 1-2 hours less every single day of me being angry. That's a pretty big gain! Because really, who cares why he says these things. After years of it, I know very well that it's pure fantasy so why believe it and be dissappointed and angry?
Simple, simple little changes in thinking are making so much difference to my life right now. The no1. thought governing them all at the moment is "why do I really care about this?" And the less I care about that stuff, the more I care about my stuff and the happier I am. It's so brilliantly simple.
Love this place, love this programme. Love you all!!
Good progress melly. You know his patterns pretty well...you don't need to analyze them. You can let go. He's very sick. You don't have to be. Keep reaching out to healthier people to meet you needs.
Wow Your clarity, wisdom and acceptance are powerful examples of" How Alanon Works". As you pointed out "It is simple program" and we are complicated people.
I love that you have reflected on your inner thoughts and motives to discover the "why" you do what you do. This tool helped me to really see myself and my actions for what they were and gave me the willingness to change.
As usual, your writing style is clever, informative, and honest. Your post made me smile at times and nod my head in agreement at others. You are an excellent communicator.
Keep on taking care of yourself You are certainly worth it.
If I could reach across the ocean to give you a big bear hug if you wanted one, I would, Melly. I love it when women accept the power that is inherent within them - the power to be themselves. There needs to be no justification, qualification, disclaimer, apology or acceptance of others when we stand in our own light - our own power. Welcome to the world, Ms Empowered. I like what I see in you.
Total clarity. Total truth. But my question is, for you and/or anyone else in this similar place of recognition...
Once you realize this truth why do you stay? Is this something you see yourself dealing with (or not dealing with, in a good way) indefinitely?
I'm getting my head on straight, for the moment, yogi, and trusting that the rest will follow as I gain strength and confidence in my decision making.
I kicked him out once, and I was in a terrible state, second guessing myself and full of remorse and regret before the door had even closed behind him. He came back a week later and I was so happy to see him that I spent weeks apologising and trying to "make it up to him". I want to know that I have moved far, far beyond that codependant wretch before I do anything drastic.
Melly you got some toxins...some nuclear toxins that you are putting back into the bottle because "blowing him up won't save him". I was sinister and manipulative a watcher and planner and mover and the disease beat me to the punch each and every time using my alcoholic/addict as a pawn and then every other partner and mate I chose. I choose the women I drink with and I just couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with them...I did the best I could with what I had until I came to understand in Al-Anon that it was exactly what I had that I needed to change. Yogi asks the question "so why do I stay"? and I didn't while at the same time realizing that not matter where I went or with who I was with...there I was and my only problem was me. Recovery is about changing me and me only and that has been full time work to start with and a bit less as I grow and make the changes new habits for living.
You are a communicator...I read by metaphor...pictures and you paint good ones for me like your avatar...nuclear toxins facing down the tanks...love it how ever I can see the picture changing over time. As he sees the real woman rise; he may well want to rise with you...without a drink in his life. ((((Hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 21st of October 2013 10:30:33 PM
I love it when women accept the power that is inherent within them - the power to be themselves. There needs to be no justification, qualification, disclaimer, apology or acceptance of others when we stand in our own light - our own power.
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This spoke to me too, g2b. I was like you Melly. It always felt that I was trying to manipulate good behavior out of him. And it worked as long as I worked at it. Finally I got it! It was when I could say to myself, "I will be okay if you are healthy or if you are unhealthy. I will be okay because I can finally be okay with ME". I had to realize that my strength was there all along and I discounted it because he was such a squeaky wheel that needed affirmation all the time. It didn't give me time for me.
I try to look at normal marriages and see that the women do what they do without worrying about the fallout from their hubbys. They KNOW the support they have and they KNOW that support will not change with a mood change. I don't have that but I am okay without it because I am comfortable with "it is what it is." Low expectations. I do what I have to do to take care of me. I work at the guilt feelings I have when I am happy and he is not, but I know that is between him and his HP no matter how much he tries to make it between him and me.
Yeah that rings pretty true for me Jerry although I never really considered myself to be "sinister" before lol. I know this is in me, it wouldn't matter who I was with. I wont get better by being with or without someone who is this or that. I have to re-wire ME and yeah it's a full-time job, you aren't wrong. And you made me think, what enemy am I facing down exactly? Is it him? Is that my excuse for staying stuck and sad? Because I am constantly at war with HIM? Isn't that kind of like what he does, making me the enemy so that he can drink and play games and never own anything he does? Oh..... I see.
And it is not about him, but he makes such efforts to sabotage all of my attempts at getting out and living life again- and I react every time. Why? Tonight I mentioned that tomorrow I'm going to a meditation class in town and meeting my mother for lunch. It's a very big deal for me; I never go out anywhere except to take my daughter to her dad's house. He was silent and seemed angry for a while and then suddenly accused me of "meeting some guy" which is ludicrous. Apparently I have been acting suspiciously (I close my browser when he looks over my shoulder because otherwise he makes fun of whatever I am doing). From that he has deduced that I am having an online affair and setting up "meetings". I lost it, dammit! I thought I had disconnected all of my buttons but there was still one there. I've never cheated on anyone. Never would cheat on anyone. Don't know any-one to cheat with and sure as hell wouldn't go and meet some guy I met on the internet, good lord. And how can you think I'm some kind of lying harlot after 7 years with me?? What have I ever done to deserve that? Now he's in his room drinking and being furious because clearly I am cheating or I wouldn't be so angry when he just tried to tell me what was worrying him.....
Well he pulls something like this every time I plan to leave the house and do something and once again I let it bother me, ugh. I used to get so upset when he started these fights that I would end up not going to whatever I was planning; I missed so many family events and fun things because of that, even my cousin's wedding. I stopped going to classes and started studying online because I was always so uneasy about leaving the house and couldn't handle sitting in class agonising over whatever fight we had had that morning. This is a big one for me, no doubt about it. And by staying home whenever he started a fight, I taught him that he had that power. Can't really blame him for using it; he doesn't have a heap of useful communication strategies under his belt. Me. I created this. I decided that if he was unhappy with me, I would lock myself away for so long that now I'm almost frightened to leave the house. He's just doing what he has always done. I took it personally and used it make myself miserable. Poor me, I can't go anywhere because He Who Must Not Be Named is angry with me.
So here's the wrap.
Whatever he is trying to pull tonight is his. It has nothing to do with me. The end result is him sitting in his dumpster-room (there is a bowl of chicken bones next to his bed that have been there for more than 2 weeks now, gag, and more than 150 empty beer cans and wine bottles, I did a quick count when I was standing in his doorway waiting for him earlier), and getting blind drunk. Now since he bought whiskey on his way home, that had to be the plan from the beginning; nothing to do with me. If he needs to justify it by telling himself I am cheating on him, well, that's his. Not mine. So, right now, in my head, I am visualising handing it back to him in a taped up shoe-box labled "your crap".
What I was starting to do, get angry, feel outraged and hurt, lose interest in my plans for tomorrow, worry and analyse and second guess myself- well that's my crap. So I'm bagging it up and shoving it through the garbage-chute.
No point mixing all of our garbage together, then I just have to dispose of all of it myself. And that applies to all of the actual garbage in his room too. He isn't expecting me to dispose of it, so what business is it of mine? If he ends up with rats or roaches, he'll freak out and clean and exterminate so there's no reason to upset myself.
Now, I'm not going to sabotage myself because I let myself get upset. I'm not going to stay up too late feeling angry or sad and then decide I'm too tired in the morning. I'm going to have a cup of tea and go to bed and listen to something soothing (like Metallica lol) and tomorrow, I'm going to enjoy the hell out of lunch with my mother and then I'll go to my class and meditate so hard my eyes pop out.
Thanks for sharing. I think I need to go get some garbage bags now. Clean up my own crap, leave him to deal with his. Great metaphor.
Have a great lunch with your mom. Let me know how the meditation class goes. I have a thought to find a class myself.
The class is at the Theosophical Society Mari, and it's payment by donation, whatever you can afford. They run a lot of interesting classes from yoga to metaphysics and everything in between and I thought I might start going to one class a week, just to get myself out into the world and rediscovering my interests. I bet they have a chapter near you; they are everywhere.
I also had a conversation with A over dinner the other night where for some reason he mentioned the flute and I was horrified to discover he didn't know I learned for 8 years, passed 8th grade (which was the highest possible) and then taught flute for a few years. He asked me- "why don't you play anymore?" And I had to admit, I really had no idea. So I'm going to buy a flute. What a bizarre and wonderful idea.
Melly you are truly inspiring !!! I hope you do buy your flute and enjoy your classes and lunch.
We need to feel good about ourselves again. The unrecovered A bring us down to their level
And we loose ourselves in their bs. It is very hard to climb out of the pit we are in. The guilt
And fear buttons get pushed.
. 
better now. Thanks for reading