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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> please read and follow with ideas/advice/opinions
Post Info TOPIC: please read and follow with ideas/advice/opinions
sweeetr


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please read and follow with ideas/advice/opinions
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I posted awhile back how I could see my AH brewing a storm in his world.. well it brewed and brewed and I did well. he could not get me to be in his storm. WELL, friday he took our son hunting (he got out of school early) and I ws working. He packed water and gatorades, he knows I have NO tolerance for drinking and driving our kid. Well , SUPRISE! He did ... my son forgot his phone at home and couldnt call me. I got home and my AH was telling me about the awesome hunt, while throwing a football with son. And I said your drunk? and you had himn with you and was hunting also. ...... NOW I AM PART OF THE STORM ! ... wait ,,,, my brain in overdrive. I said you knew that was wrong. I walked in house.  I took food out and made two plates of leftovers went to my room and ate mine. My son got his plate and sat in bed with me to eat his. He said I told dad drinking and driving is illegal. I told my son (8 yrs old) that this was not his fault His dad is an adult and knows the law.

My Ah couldnt let it go ... he kept walking from living room to bedroom hollering etc. I started getting sucked in. I am trying to think how to prevent this again.

Finally I looked at my son and said .. take your little dog to the car and Im telling dad we're bringoing your sisters dog home. So quickly before AH could react. We loaded us and three dogs in suv. and went and spent night on couch at my daughters. I pulled in her garage, turned on her house alarm txtd AH we were fine and would be home in morning to get ready for sons game..then phone went OFF.

Next morning got ready for game he asked to ride with us I said ok  .. then he immediatly started again (still reaking of alcohol) .. I said No you cant ride. And we left, He followed us the hour to get there. we watched game and son and I went to eat and to a bday party. AH went "hunting' or drinking .. whatever.. dont care.

That night son spent night with grandma .. he said can I tell what dad did. I said thats your choice, but be aware she may make excuses for dad becasue she raised him to not take responsibility, so if she blames someone or makes excuses. Just know you are right. You cant control daddy and he was wrong to drive you and drink.

AH came home lte last night and I got two voice recording of the conversations. My legal friend told me to do this.

I called his cousin to invite him over so the harrasssment would stop and she did, she said he was stying night there since they drank more then. But I got up at 5 am and he was sleeping on floor in extra room .. all my pictures are crooked in hallway so Im sure he wasnt walking straight.

YES I have a question.

I have stayed this long trying to protect my son from unsupervised wkend visiation with this alcoholic and his family (mostly alcoholics too)  But weekends like this make me wonder if I am doing the riht thing .. the only wasy to MAKE him move out is filing divorce, but then visiation kicks in and I feel like Im throwing my son to the wolves that way

my county is a daddy county and if he holds a job and isnt a proven monster .. he will get rights

any advice/opinions ? ? ? ?



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bud


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I know how difficult this is and I'm so sorry you have this.

Please be sure to run things by local legal counsel and do what you can and let go of the rest so it doesn't make you ill. The conversation recordings may help. Asking the court for help for the children may highlight their need for safety.

When my daughter was younger, my options were very limited- Similar to the talks about not getting into cars with strangers, I did talk to her about not getting into a car with her Dad (or anyone) when he wasn't ok to be behind a wheel (what that looked like and what that meant)... quite a lot for and adult, and much, much more for a small child. I let her know that it was ok to not go with him, it was ok to get help (and went through a few plans for that). I called the police when it was clearly necessary. It took a long, long time for her to absorb it and she came to her own conclusion that she cannot get into a car with him behind the wheel, as it was way too scary (when he wasn't in accidents, he was running red lights, shouting at the other drivers, other drivers shouting at him, etc...). It was only after many years that he lost his license.

Sending prayers for wisdom and strength.

In support

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sweeetr


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legal council has told me if its not violent, staying is the onlt way to ensure supervising their time together.

a friend went to court recently becasue her AXH has spilt custody (14 days a month he gets the kids) when with him during the week times they dont have homework turned in to school, they are out late, not well groomed, but not "neglected" ~ the wkends he has them they stay with grandparents so he can go out. Her request was that he not get them during the school week and only during the summers on those times and reg. wkends... The judge (female judge even) looked at her and said ... so hes a bad parent?! but we dont take rights from bad parents only abusive ones....

I have been scared ever since to file !!

small town bs at its best



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 ..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
rehprof


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It just isn't fair. My exA even asked for alimony so it would make paying child support a "wash." -- He would do anything not to pay any, and hasn't in 3 years...

I breathalyze him occasionally before he takes the kids on weekends...(they are 11 and 17)...but I have no idea what I would do if they were little...I worry alot when the 11 yo is there without his big brother to kinda keep an eye on things...the 17yo  makes sure they don't go in the car if he suspects his dad is impaired...but when the 11 yo is by himself with his dad...he doesn't seem to see things that happen with his Dad...and still defends his Dad...

so tough on kids...and it doesn't make sense that we have to wait until there is PROOF...like someone is hurt etc., before courts will even entertain the idea of supervised visits...even then, it's rarer than it ought to be...

Hang in there...and I SO get why you are not leaving...

RP



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bud


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The legal system isn't fair or just, especially in family matters. Eventually, someone at her school noticed that my daughter needed help and she quietly approached me.

My daughter had an active social life and the other parents kept her safe. There were some times over the years that she was with him alone while he was behind the wheel. At that time, I didn't know about his many car accidents and I would want to do things differently if I had to do that over.

For me, it was clear that she was becoming extremely damaged from her exposure to him and that was a main force that caused me to take a different course of action. I let them develop or not develop their own relationship. It was very confusing to her, but others she trusted supported me and that went a long way to keeping her safe, allowing her to understand that she didn't cause this, and start on a road towards better health and healthy choices. She is now 22, full of fun and life, has a job, and a great boyfriend who loves and cherishes her. She is recovering ODAT.



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Jerry F


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(((Sweeetr)))...God I've been around a long time and even have been on a hunt long ago where one of the adults was drinking and till now It didn't catch up with me that drinking and anything isn't normal or natural or safe.   From my experience as a family counselor?  Call Child Protective Services and ask them or P.A.R.E.N.T.S. (if you have a chapter and talk with them) or a Family Service that does TRO's and speak with them.  If you have the opportunity do the TRO and drag his butt into family court and let the family court Judge speak with him in front of the other people there.  Child endangerment is against the law and that is what he just did.   Let us know how and what you did.   ((((hugs)))) disbelief



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Mattie


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One question is whether your A would want your son for overnights -- maybe he wouldn't.  A good proportion of dads who aren't even alcoholics don't want much to do with their kids after divorce.  In our cases that could be a blessing in disguise. 

When I split up with my AH, my lawyer said that we could indeed specify that he wouldn't get overnights with our son.  (I was worried about overnights just because that's a longer time than a daytime visit.)  When it came to it, my A agreed to my terms, which was that he would see our son for three hours every Saturday.  As our son has gotten older, that's expanded to all afternoon every Saturday and two hours on Wednesday evenings.  We agreed that he would move one block away.  So my AH walks over to get him and they walk back together.  My son likes going there because he has a friend his age in the apartment next to my A's apartment.  So I think he actually spends a lot of that time in the other kid's apartment.  And heaven knows what my A is doing -- sleeping on the sofa, I suspect.  But anyway, it works without any driving. 

This was possible in my case because my A isn't a very angry person.  He's more the kind who just never does anything (no job, no money, etc.).  If I had tried to say "No visitation," he would have fought it, but as it was he said Okay.  If your A is the kind who fights everything, a lawyer is in order.  But I've heard of a number of A's who just couldn't be bothered with visitation -- too much hassle.  If that were the case with yours, that would be a way around the problem.

I think we have to assume that whenever the A is driving, they could be drinking, whether they're married to us or not.  Even if they promise not to, even if they deny everything. 



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Debilyn


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I was not one to allow my kids around anyone like that. I have a feeling your son would not want to go stay with his dad anyway. Myself I would give my kids the best environ I could, and take a day at a time as far as what the sick A decides to do. .

Somehow I doubt he will be responsible enough to fight to see his son anyway. Our kids need us to protect them. I agree,find a womans domestic violence support group and see if they can guide you. This walking around yelling is horrible on you and your dear son. Makes my stomach hurt thinking about it!

Also I would be looking for good books, videos etc to teach your son about addiction. there are many great books for kids his age.Also I would be strongly teaching him that he has the genetics to be an addict. start now! He should not even take pain pills!

I am so sad for you, but I know you can be strong and keep him safe. Maybe the A would agree to only visit him at your home, since your little one would not want to go in a car with him.

hugs, debilyn



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