please. i can't stop crying.... need esh... - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

please. i can't stop crying.... need esh...

debhud · Veteran Member

hi all...boy have i ever back-slidden in my program. today i went off on my AS! i try so hard to stay on my side of the street but just lost it with him. he is very sick in his illness and refuses help. doesn't pay child support. relies on my parents to take care of him financially. usually i do okay with it and accept the fact that i can't change him. today i called him and told him to keep my parents out of his business. i told him that he was killing them. that he was a deadbeat dad. he was selfish and didn't care about anyone but himself. i said his illness was tearing our family apart. that he should be ashamed of himself for not working and allowing his grandparents to take care of him. that he is a smart man who should pick himself up out of his pity party and take care of business. omg! my beautiful son listened and didn't say a word. finally he said, " i wish everyone would leave me the f.... alone!" i feel like i told him the truth but i have never spoken so harshly to him in his life. i feel so yucky. i feel like i am going to have a breakdown.... OMG! my precious son who already has such low self-worth listened to me respectfully and didn't say a word. i want to call him and apologize. but i know he is drunk.......

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

You told your son some ugly truths that you needed to get off your chest and maybe he needed to hear it. Nobody wants to say or hear those things, but obviously you needed to get it out of you and you did, now you can let it go, forgive yourself and dive into your own recovery. Hopefully you can get the chance to talk to him sober and give him the flip side of what you said and let him know the good things about him and the hopes you have for him. I have done that with my A's and well it was all in learning how to dettach and set healthy boundaries for me. What is done is done, what are you going to do now to bring you serenity? Sending you love and support!

oldergal · Senior Member

So you told him the truth and you let it all out, don't beat yourself up, we have all done things like that and maybe even worse, forgive yourself and move on. The likely hood that he is sitting around thinking about what you said are 0 zero, because he is drunk. He already knows all this about himself, but is an alcoholic and cannot end the vicious cycle. Honestly I think the real issue here is that he is abusing your parents, elder abuse is against the law. Talk to your sponsor and the law about what he is doing, and are your parents doing it willingly or do you need to get a restraining order for them? Do they know how much he is drinking. They deserve peace and serenity.... Get real familiar with the Al-Anon program it will help you. In support OG

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so so sorry...I feel so bad for you right now. I know what you did was what was in your heart and you had to do it. I have done it many times. I think we all have. What I do pray for is if your parents would step back and detach. Your son doesn't want help but maybe just maybe if he was truly alone with his disease he might get scared enough to seek help. My son truly came close to homeless so I can say he MIGHT be on the road to recovery.

I was told once when I yelled and screamed at my son that he would probability not even remember because he was so drunk. They don't care when they are in that state. They just hear whatever and then they let go and continue what they do. We have been kind and loving, we have yelled and screams, we have cried and begged...it doesn't matter. It's not going to effect them one way or another as long as they are deep in their disease.

This shall pass it always does. Relax and cry it out. Read and pray that HP give you some peace. It's OK

We are here for you my friend....we love you. I wish I could come there and just hold you for a while, talk and pray for your son.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey this is called tough love! He knows you love him enough to tell him the truth. You care enough to risk sounding hard to him. He will respect you someday for not taking the diseases crap! Good for you!

I may invite you to start and end with I love you. Or I love you you idiot, enough to tell ya to get it together!

You have said your peace now. So let it be.I am sure he did not take it as bad as you feel. Remember, you are mad at the disease not your son.

Please, please be proud of yourself for getting it out.

Our kids need us to be strong. love,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((debhud))))...hindsight is 20/20 and so where this one didn't work well for you maybe the next one you'll take to your sponsor first and then follow thru. There is something in the ODAAT daily reader that I once read that stayed with me because it fit me so well. It say something to the order that "I say I would do anything to help the alcoholic except get off of her back" and the picture I got was of my alcoholic/addict wife trying to walk around and maneuver under the load of her addictions "and" me at the same time. That picture cause me to stop trying to force her to do something she just wasn't capable of at the time and to change my expectations of the addict/alcoholic. Expecting her to do something she was not capable of at the time was a prelude to a huge resentment. I stopped and let go and let God....finally.

Time to forgive yourself and him and others who haven't measured up to your expectations. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers Debbie

You are not alone. I needed to learn to forgive myself at such times and then the amend I would make was to resolve not to react like that in the future. Progress not perfection

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate. I have wanted to say these things to my son and i have in different ways before. I tend to keep it in and feel resentful. I am not sure which is worse. I would not be so hard on myself. You have done well not let it out before now. Forgive yourself and make amends by not letting guilt eat away at you. Maybe your son needed a few home truths, maybe you needed to let it out.x

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Wow debhud,

I am very proud of you for doing that. You say you feel yucky, that's because you love him and aren't a nasty person. As human beings we can only take so much. However doesn't a part of you feel really good? Relieved? :)

This past week I flipped out at my dad, who is in rehab and lost his license to his second dui. he expected me to be his taxi service. I felt really good letting him have it over the phone.

I also have another thread about the role of our anger in al-anon and how this program can't all be about singing 'kum ba yah' and serenity prayers. Alcoholics have a disease. They didn't chose this disease. but, they chose how they handle it.

MANY will diasgree, but if the goal is to look out for ourselves, it' healthy to let them have it once in awhile.

Keep coming back.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

So you told him the truth.....I hope u did it just for you, and not hoping he will change.....when I do a "a** chew" on someone its to get out the anger for me , to debrief me, to just let it out so i don't explode...........NO expectations as to whether or not they cared or will change or anything

don't beat u up........we all have our breaking points where sometimes just blasting them is the thing to do.....u did not say anything that wasn't the truth......sometimes when one is angry they are the most honest.....i have been there...done that....yea, i try to not be as mean, but at times i fail.......oh well!!!!! i do'nt beat me up over it bc i know they pushed me too far and most likely deserved it....

I am not the screaming type...i just "rip em a new one"' with a normal and calm voice, but the message is CLEAR.......i don't beat me up over "losing it" over one who has pushed me too far.......i get over it and say "oh well" they got the karma they asked for

-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 21st of October 2013 12:58:07 PM

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