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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I'm feeling Guilty
Post Info TOPIC: I'm feeling Guilty
Cathyinaz


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I'm feeling Guilty
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I feel guilty because I think I'm doing wrong and the quilt is telling you all what I'm going to do.  I think I am going to let people down here on MIP. 

My son called and I answered.  He is getting out of rehab Thursday morning and I will be the one picking him up and taking him to the sober living place he is transitioning to.  I'm also taking him to the court house to file his paperwork for expunging his record. He has a good chance the judge will do this. 

I want to do this.  I have not seen him or talked to him ....only emails so I'm going to do this.  I want to support his recovery, be kind but also keep my boundaries of not enabling financially.  He will have one month to find work to pay his way. He will still need to take UA tests, attend meetings and counseling . I'm happy he was accepted to this place because not everyone gets this lucky to find help like this. 

So I will see him Thursday and his father will see him Friday and bring a few of his personal belongings to him. 

I'm praying helping him with this small move will not lead to any calling or wanting...just help where needed with kindness.

I love him dearly and I pray this is a start of a new life for him.....I also will keep me grounded and hopeful but no expectations for what the future holds for him.

Am I doing wrong..I don't know....do I want to do this....yes. Am I hurting him doing this...I don't think so.

Take care all....I am grateful to have you all part of my life where I can come and say what I'm thinking and doing.

 



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Bettina


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Remember Cathy, everything is up to you and what you feel is right for you.

Whether its right or wrong, it sounds like your ready to deal with consequences if there are any.

I hope your sons recovery is a success. You do have to get over the idea that when they do go to recovery that they will not have relapses. Alcohol is a lifetime disease. Everyone is different and some have been to recovery many times. Hopefully it will stick with your son.

As far as your son calling you for more help, thats up to you and your boundaries isnt it.? He will get it, by your actions.

My best to you,
Hugs , Bettina

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Bettina
pinkchip


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Cathy, it isn't enabling when the person is actually utilizing support to do good. My parents helped me some too but I was determined to grow and not need them like that forever. Hope your son is on that track too.

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DavidG


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Cathyinaz wrote:

Am I doing wrong..I don't know....do I want to do this....yes. Am I hurting him doing this...I don't think so.

 

 Imo- no. No. Simple. 



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Breakingfree


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You can not be worrying about letting anyone else down, no one but you can control your boundaries and how you want your relationship with your son to play out. If you want to show up and take him over do it, no worries, you are free from even your own judgements if you choose it. Keep taking care of you and discovering how you want your own recovery to play out. Sending you much love and support!

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Gaby


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Cathy don't feel guilty. We have to support there recovery and love them. We can help for all the right reasons. But we also need to continue taking care of us.. I too was feeling the same as you.. My son now 5 months and 15 days clean n sober has changed on his own and he recognizes now with a clear mind what he needs to do to stay on the path he is in. He got a job in the two weeks he has been home from recovery. He is working his program full force and is on fire with god.. We have to have faith in them and more so with god. Cathy I can very much relate to all you have gone through and feeling today. You are not alone. But continue taking care of you.

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maryjane


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You have to do what is right FOR YOU! And this feels right to you. So no regrets.

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maryjane
Jen61


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I agree. No one walks in your shoes except for you. Do what is right for you. Good luck!

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PP


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I would do the same thing for my son.  It is showing support as he is taking steps toward his recovery.  I would soak myself in program work before seeing him, though, to give you the support you will need.



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Debilyn


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Oh that is so cool!!! I am so proud of him. Of course you should go. It will help him to know when he is himself you are there for him. Plus for petes sake he is your son!

One day at a time. I hope he can wake up every day and make that decision not to drink that day.

Sending you hugs!!! debilyn btw please never worry over what anyone else thinks. this is where To thine own self be true comes in honey.,



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grateful2be


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It would be one thing to pick him up from rehab and drive to him to a drinking buddy's house because its too cold for him to walk there. It's quite another to help him do what he needs to do to take better care of himself. Boundaries are moveable. Walls are not. It's okay to create new boundaries every day if that is in your best interest. The problem comes in making ourselves promises that wall out making new choices based on new information. Boundaries that are too rigid or too flexible can also be a problem for us. You get to be in charge of whatever boundaries you establish that help you stay on your side of the street and in your hula hoop. It's your side of the street and your hula hoop, so you also get to decide who you want to include in it. If this feels like a good thing to take him to these places for you, then seems to me that sounds like a really reasonable thing to do for you. If he asks for more than you want to give on any given day, then, "I love you. I understand that you'd like me to ..... and no." I can't talk for the rest of the MIP family, but I can speak for me. I'm here for you, Cathy. I'm not here for you being and doing something you're not or something you can't do in good conscience now.

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Cathyinaz


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I feel good about this. I want to see my son clean and sober. I want to give him a hug. I want to take him to his next right choice he has made. I want to wish him the best.

He has not asked anything else of me. What's funny. He could of just asked me to take him to his car so he can do this all himself but for some reason he doesn't want to drive until it's legal??? Did the rehab but that in his head?? He can get his licenses back November 8th...but I'm sure he will have to install a interlock system on his vehicle for at least another year. AZ usually requires it. Sorry that law makes me happy.

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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
grateful2be


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That law makes me happy, too, Cathy.

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hotrod


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Great decision Cathy

Prayers and positive energy for you an your son



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Betty

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Jerry F


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This reminds me of my sposors suggestion that I choose the consequence I want first before I do the thing and not the other way around.  I will own the consequence and be responsible to it.  We are not judging your program Cathy and you ought not worry about how anyone else will think about it.  It is none of our business.  Go with what you have learned and with your Higher Power.    (((((hugs))))) smile



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el-cee


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Cathy, you have considered your motives and are not just jumping in on your own will so I would go for it because you feel it is the right thing to do. Even if it doesn't work out the way you hoped then that's just the way life is sometimes. I get your feeling of not wanting to let people in the fellowship down but your reality is not completely there for everyone to see no matter how much you share so therefore your decisions are ultimately yours and we are here to support you no matter what the outcome is. Its unconditional.x



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Rose50


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(((Cathy)))

I think you are doing the right thing. Driving your son to a sober living home is not enabling. Of course you want to see him, give him a hug, and tell him that you love him and have faith in him. I can't see how this would be detrimental to his recovery in any way. Now it's up to him to work his program.

Prayers for your son.

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AngelicH57


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I see nothing wrong with what your are doing, I don't think you are suppose to kick your child to the curb if they are doing something to better themselves.
Don't worry about what others think... do what your heart thinks is best.

{{{{ Hugs}}}}

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oldergal


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Cathy, since there has been disappointments in the past for you, I would say prepare yourself for this meeting. 1. I would study my program all week and pray to my HP, 2. I would email my son and remind him what my boundaries are so there are no surprises, and 3. I would have no expectations. Enjoy the company of your sober son and have a great dinner. In support OG



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neshema2


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I agree with Bettina...what u do is your decision, your choice and it does not matter what anyone "here" thinks.....

remember...the ones who mind dont' matter...the ones who don't mind matter.....I , personally, have to face my own consequences and we all must........

I would do what my gut instincts tell me to do and to heck w/what others think.......its your life...and your choices.........hope he can get something going on the recovery



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canadianguy


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I echo the others Cathy...

1. You're not doing wrong.

2. There is never (or seldom, at least) a clear "right or wrong", within the insanity of addictions

3. Even when/if you slip into enabling-type of behaviors (which in this case you aren't), you are not letting down people on MIP...

 

Take care

Tom



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Tasha


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Love and best wishes for a beautiful visit.

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