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I'm outrage with the A lack of responsibility . Please tell me when does the A stop thinking about himself and the drink?? When my A was drinking I was left home to care for the children I was both parents he was the absentee . I had a problem this morning and again I take my part of the blame I own my own mouth so I own what I say.. When it comes down to sticking to your program and not wandering off to the other side of the street to cause a problem . My 10 year old asked me yesterday if she could go to the park to play with her friend and a boy she likes . I said no for reason 1/ she does not need to be playing with a boy at her age and telling her friends there going out.
This morning I was sleeping and she asked where her skirt was and I said I don't know look in your dresser . Half a hour later I find she not here and I asked her father(A) where she was and he said she went to the park my blood boiled !!!!! Then he proceeds to tell me that she has a boyfriend and is laughing at this . I'm going to be honest here that's one major problem I have is to have him stand in front of me and laugh in my face .. I asked him did he drive her there and he say was I surpose to ? I asked him what she was wearing and he said I don't know ?! I don't need to know !!!! Please forgive me I am having a very hard time here trying to use proper tools to keep out of my A recovery I know no it's none of my buisness !!! And it's none of his buisness what I do with my program. I believe when it comes down to the children all aa$ should be out aside and parenting takes place !! I'm angry still because he see no wrong doing . He let my 10 year old walk 20 min away from our home on a busy street wearing a skirt and no sweater not to mention there have been kids that have been taking away by strangers. I lost it . I said when do you start parenting ? When do you start your bonding with the kids and stop thinking about your dam self . It's all About the dam A working his program to stay sober . Yeah wonderful good job here your chip and a pat on your back . Mean while your kid is missing but who cares!!!! The point here is he didn't give a crap about his kid he said it's not my problem !!!!!!!!! It's not my business!!!!!! He says what she does is her problem not his . She 10 !!!!! I said to him when does the selfish alcoholic behaverior stop . I said if something happen to her it is your fault just because your sick selfish recovering alcoholic and think every thing stops at the end of your nose is bull. When it comes down to making a healthy choice for your kids sorry you need to take the focus off your self for once . My kids still don't have there father drunk or sober he still feel no need to bond with them he not ready yet he doesn't know them he says I can't force that responsibility on him . He wants no part in it . This is not a pity issue . I am not well to I have a program to work also . I Also have the children to tend to . To help guide them in a direction that's a healthy way . I wish I can say I don't want to play mom today I need to make sure I stay a co dependent that's my first prioty . After me screaming at him and drilling it to him ( yes my blame I own it ) and told him he see nothing wrong with what he did . Let his kid walk away from the home and not ever ask what park she was going to or what friends were she going to meet and why was she wearing a skirt if she going to play at the park and why doesn't she have a jacket . He says nope none of my buisness . He says to me you ALAON ppl are so messed up and need to know everything !!!! I'm tired of the battle here I'm raising 2 dysfunction children due to his lack of attendance and lack of disease that did cause this storm and try to care for me and work my program and try to get better and I can't . Im so upset that he comes and go and gets to his meetings and leaves the kids home alone if I'm not here plus I don't feel comfortable to just get up and go to a Alaon meeting knowing my children are unsupervised . I care . I'm responsible for them til what ever the age is . He wants total no responsibility for them he does not talk to them unless he commands then to do something . I had police at my house months ago while I was at a Alaon meeting and he was sitting in his old drinking shed because he didn't want to get involved with there fight , it's pretty bad that police had to show up at the house because there Healthy A father didn't want to parent them. . I can't force my A to listen to me and I can't control his smirks and laught in my face and I can't control his comments on Alaon how week of a fellowship it is . Yes I have no right to say he healthy or not healthy it's not my DAM program . But I see him slacking I see him not owning his responsibility as a father and he tells me I'm not supporting enough to him ! What more can I do to make this A see he has obligations like it or not to raise these kids . And still refuses to tell me why he not working why he was suspended . He said its none of your buisness why I'm not working when I'm ready to discuss it I will let you know ..
He is going to drive me to Drink !!! I admit I can not take any more . I know the solution. . Yes leave him divorse him get out of this A way . I have cancer , I am not healthy enought to just get up and find a job and find a new place to live and take care of the kids plus work a program . That's why I stay !!!!! I have no place to go and I'm sick it not getting better . I'm so frustrated
Rosemary I understand your feelings and have felt very much what you have just spoke and experienced.
My hubby refused to parent. He played a game at night, went to ball game or two and that was it His mom and dad passed when he was an infant and I thought that might have been the reason I knew I was powerless over his actions and that since HP had given me this precious child,He would guide me in the care.
Remember we are powerless over others. Your children need one healthy parent in the family You are attending alanon and recovering. I suggest that you examine your part in the Mornings activity and attempt to correct what you find you could have done different. Maybe telling daughter she cannot go out unless she check with you first could be a start.
You have come a long way Keep on doing this one day at a time it does work.
This is true my part was I didn't catch her in time . She asked me the other day and told her no then she asked her dad today and he said ok . I guess I need to attend the kids more and make sure they only check in with me since there dad won't help. I think of what I could of did different and I guess moved myself faster to catch her leaving . Maybe put the skirts away maybe. Be on them 24/7 this is what exactly what's happing I'm being tested . How much can I do or willing to do . I guess it is my responsibility to be mom and dad and not exspect anything from the A . Since he made it very clear to me he wants no part of them . I guess I just still don't get it . The drink will alway win . No matter what I do to improve myself it will still rule me . So I guess when the toxic A gets near me I should remove myself and kids away . Then he pleased with this he WIN he WINS he has atchieved what he wanted to do for me to surrender myself to admit I will never escape this problem no matter what I do will not he will still be in my presents until I am taken out of here to the nut house because I tell you know he is enjoying what he is doing
Please tell me when does the A stop thinking about himself and the drink??
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Ummmmm, my AH has been in AA for 13 years and he still thinks about himself first. He doesn't think about the drink anymore.....as far as I know, but I don't ask either. But he is still an egomaniac.
It's difficult, but I had come to the conclusion that I had to rely on myself as a single parent when I was married to my exAH. If he were to step in to be a parent, then it would have been a welcomed bonus. My daughter had learned to check in with me before going with her Dad; he had been taking her places without letting me know- so, all I knew was that my child was missing- not even knowing that she was with him- and I called the police.
It's hard to fully embrace all that comes with their disease. I am not excusing their lack of responsibility or abusive behavior; just learned that things went more smoothly when I didn't rely on or have normal expectations from a volatile, irrational husband.
When does the A stop thinking about himself and the drink? There is no cure and the disease is progressive, only abstinence and a program to help rebalance bad thinking... if he wants that for himself.... But you have HP, Alanon, and the 12 steps and as you work the program and continue to have the courage to change, your situation will continue to improve.
So long as there is no communication between you and the A, the kids will play that against you. They know that if they don't get the answer they want from mom or dad, they'll go to the other and get what they want because mom and dad together are not unified.
I learned that with my exA. His daughter would ask him or something and he would volunteer me to do something for her without even telling me and checking with me if I was okay with it.
Because he is still sick, your A may very will chose to defy your rules with the kids. It's unfortunate, but that may be the reality of the situation. It really is a shame how selfish the disease is. It's certainly getting more drama out of you, however.
