The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Does the pain of loving someone addicted to alcohol ever leave you? My husband of nearly 40 years died in August 2011. Although I was sad, I have to admit it was also a relief. To say he had put me and our two children through hell is an understatement. 2 and a bit years later everyone assumes you must be OK - the grieving is over and anyway, he was very destructive so I must be fine now, no? Actually, no. The last two years have been physically and financially easier but it is now, when I have got over the physical pain that I am missing him. I miss how he was (I really did love him) and here is the really mad thing - I am actually worrying if he is all right now!! Is that crazy? It's just that my learning-disabled son is convinced his dad is up in Heaven, perfectly well and having a high old time with old friends, also now passed. I have been buying into that for my son's sake but now find myself wanting to check if he's Ok "up there"! Sorry - I know this may sound like a slightly deranged rant but it actually helps just writing it down.
Nice to see you are posting and to hear your thoughts. I do believe it took e a full 3 years to recover from the loss of my hubby. Yes, we do love them and miss them and that is as it should be. To take a positive action in honor of this memory, I pray that he is safe and light a candle daily to honor his memory and pray that his spirit find rest.
I hope you are attending meetings still and please come back here. You are not alone
I don't think its deranged at all. My X husband died a few months ago. Every day when I pray (meditate) I ring the bell for him. I know that I am always going to miss him. I know the pain will ease up, as time goes on. Their lives have taken on a new dimension, but its still life.
I think when they go, a lot of our dreams and the hope and the longing that it somehow would have worked out. I know I would have loved for him to be sober in this lifetime. He was young, only 58. I wanted so much for him to be happy.
I pray for a sign that he will let me know he is happy where he is at or wherever he goes.
My AF died over 12 years ago. Not only do we grieve for the person, but also for the person they might have been. It takes time, and each one of us does it in our own time, and in our own way...
((((Tatty)))) I learned in program not to take myself soooo seriously and that it is okay to laugh at things I do and don't do when the occasion arises...go lightly on how you are handling the reoccuring habit of caretaking. I also hear and it was somewhat true for me that because of the intensity of the alcoholic relationship that for every year I spent heavily invested in it; it would take 2 years to get over it. Actually the more accurate attitude that came later was that as long as I had memory...there would be no end for it and that is what is true for me. I have memories and now am more powerless...that's okay. I find my memories coming more from the center of compassion like you are experiencing now (wondering if he is okay up there) than from the horrible former events. Such a blessing. Keep coming back...you're going to be okay.
((((Trish)))..I have often wondered how you and your son are doing.
I lost my son Oct 2011
I agree with Gerry. it will never leave me, with Alanon tools and support I lived through the disease when I thought it would kill me.I will live past it..
My son is at peace from the ravages of this hateful disease and I am working every day to keep my serenity intact..I have acceptance and compassion in my heartbut my heart is broken..I miss him and mourn the life he could and should have had.....it is what it is.
I think (& this is my personal thoughts) that when a death occurs through alcoholism, prior to this we have already worked through a lot of loss and grief and come to a place of acceptance. Those who have never lived with alcoholism will never understand. I don't share much about my son's death, about where I am now.and I didn't share much about his disease with others outside of Alanon
I try to maintain an attitude of gratitude.I have so much in my life to be grateful for..people, places, things that were 'background noise' when the disease was centre stage..I am now trying to catch up with and embrace my own life.
