I am running out of sweetness with people not really working a program - Al-Anon Family Group

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I am running out of sweetness with people not really working a program

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I know I had my slumps and slips, but I have grown and have seen so many people grow and make some really great strides so I know it can be done. I have also seen and heard and heard and heard the other side of that in meetings, here and in life and I am running out being able to hear people complain about the exact same thing over and over, I try not to judge, but with the al-anon tools and a sponsor and meetings and trying to dig into my own recovery needing a counselor at times, I know it can be done. I am getting annoyed that people want to go on and on about the same person different scenario, but really the same story all the time and I try to listen, not give advice, but I have no extra time to listen to all this anymore without wanting to say something holding them accountable about moving forward, what is there part in it and well they just get mad because that does not help them remain the victim. If you are not making changes within yourself and going to meetings to just complain or change your own perspectives, circumstances then what can I do for you? I am at my wits end with a person and am sure right now while I am in school and have too much going on I need to just further distance myself, because I can no longer hear the same thing it is called insanity. So now that I am a jerk give me some ESH.

bijela · Veteran Member

That's when you just focus on your own recovery. We have all been in that situation when we complain nonstop like that. Sometimes it takes people longer to fit into the program. Sometimes the wounds are still too fresh for clearer thinking. We were all that newcomer or had that brain block where nothing gets through or makes sense to us. It takes a while for some people. That's when you back off and let somebody else work with this person so you won't be unkind and screw up the whole karma for everyone involved.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Breaking free

I love your share and do believe that it is a sign that you are becoming healthier and healthier and that is the reason listening to the same insanity over and over becomes difficult if not impossible.

I have a family members who insist on doing this and I smile and say Oh is that still going on I am sorry and change the subject

My rule is to treat everyone with courtesy and respect even myself

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Yea, I agree with you. Just detach. The tools of the program directed toward dealing with alcoholism are also useful to every other problem.... people, places and things. You know all that. You are further along in your program learning than some others. But that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat for other people. I tell myself, "Just walk away!" There are some people at meetings that I can talk to but it doesn't seem to get into their heads even though I can see that they are listening. Then I learn that there is something else happening in their lives and I didn't know about that. Or their is some history of theirs that I don't know about. That is why we just listen and support..... and when it bugs us we walk away, trying to be polite while we do it. What Betty says about respecting ourselves is very important.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not a jerk. I know how you feel, though. I say this because I, too, need to hear it....repeat the serenity prayer over and over and over again. I found myself having to do this tonight and will until I fall asleep, which I hope is soon smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

After being here so long, I have felt like this to only think back and realize they got it in their own time. There is no stopwatch going for people learning about recovery and how to put it to our life.

You keep venting, people keep reminding of the al anon truths, then one day they start saying I, and not him, he...or she her. they start to look at how they feel about themselves.

I agree that you have so much on your plate, there is little patience left.

I mean how many times have I been here and read," I am engaged to an A, we are planning to get married and have a child." Huh are you CRAZY!!?? i hear my head screaming. But there is NO way I can say that, also they sadly have to see what others have gone thru, learn facts and like the A have to be ready to accept it is not a good idea.

Also dear one, I remember someone saying oh that student is so hard to work with., Aspergers....know it all and has all the info wrong, makes everyone uncomfy. I felt tense at first around him. Then all of a sudden I just loved the kid! he was unique and funny and real. I apologised to him once, shocked the heck out of him. told me no one ever apologised to him before.

What buttons is this gal or guy pushing in YOU? I mean what do we care if someone is slow in "getting it?"

anyhoo consider where you are in your life. Maybe you have so much on your plate that you want people to get over it already and work your program YOU are stressing me out lol

hugs hugs and more hugs deb

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I am a patient person in listening, BF, to a point. I do have a limit, however, when I think somebody just wants to stay in the problem and aren't really wanting to find a solution. I believe their wanting to stay in the problem is perfectly fine for them. I also believe that my not wanting to stay with them in their problem is perfectly fine for me. I have said on a few occasions, "I think you already know how much I care about you. I also think you know I'm honest. I don't want to hurt you. I do want to tell you that I simply can't listen to this problem of yours anymore. I just won't be of any help to you. Can we talk about something else?" If they feel angry because I've reached my limit of listening to this particular situation, then they do. I still can't listen anymore with any kind of genuine concern and I don't want to go through the motions with them either. It feels deceptive to me to do that.

bijela · Veteran Member

Bettina wrote:

Breaking free,
It not only happens at Alanon meetings, but also on the MIP board.

This is where detaching comes in . You don't have to respond to it that's your perogative.

If I feel that my response is going to hurt someone, I just don't respond.

As I know my directness is hard to handle for some. Every post and every person is different.

Glad your making progress, everyone progresses in their own time.

Hugs, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 19th of October 2013 08:13:50 PM

I agree 100%, Bettina. I've had to do that myself.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a wee break from the forum because I felt exactly like you did. It can be frustrating reading about the pain of others, but then someone shows how much progress they have made and you might also see how much progress we ourselves have made and it is worth it. They say you've got to give it away to keep it and I believe that and I have noticed that you are so good at giving it away.x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I have an admission to make - there are times when I take other people's pain personally - and when I do that, I do get grumpy. Other people's pain really isn't my business. Taking it personally is. If I'm listening to somebody in order to rescue them from "their troubles," I'm wanting them to work my program. If I'm listening to somebody because it seems to be the position my HP has placed me in, I'm simply doing that which is mine to do in relationship to that person. The outcome isn't up to me. Just my willingness to be fully present to HP and the other person is necessary for 10 minutes, 20 minutes or an hour.

There are other times that even though I'm not taking other people's pain personally, I'm still aware that it is not my business to listen again to the same story that has been repeated for months, years. I don't get grumpy then. I realize my limit and move on in some way. Someone else will do the listening. The speaker is stuck. Maybe I was stuck, too? Maybe both of us were doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? Once I'm aware that there is no genuine desire to listen yet again to someone, moving on seems the most loving thing I can do - making room for the next person to do the listening the other person might need? In that way, I free myself and I might be freeing the other, too?

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know I can be guilty of this yet I know other people who are "stuck" in situations (one is a friend who lives with an abusive addict and I wish she would just leave him....no, I am not joking....lol). But what I DO think when I am listening to the same story over and over is that my thinking at the time..(she should detach, think of herself, create good things in her life so that she doesn't feel like he's all she has, go to meetings, ignore his games etc etc) is me PRACTICING my new better thinking. So I don't mind so much, it reinforces a lot of things for me. Then I think "well how well am I applying all of the things I think she needs to myself?" So, I don't get frustrated with it, I feel good about seeing how much my own thinking has changed and, then I figure if I say the same things over and over, maybe that will rub off a little, over time. I see mutual benefit in it.
Just because someone doesn't appear to be taking the action you think they should, doesn't mean that they aren't growing towards action of their own or feeling stronger because of your example.
Just my thoughts anyway

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL, Melly this was in no way about you! I have all kinds of patience and love for the new comers who are learning and digging, I am just coming up short with the old timers who seem to be stuck, and even as I say that it isn't true, it is less about stuckness and more about me and my patience right now. Hearing an old timer sound like a new comer with the repeated stories, I have been there and I may be there again and God help me I hope I find loving people. I just am unsure how to proceed when I have listened to it for hours and this person is not moving through it or figuring out any changes to make to maybe get a different outcome, there is so much to read. There are so many tools, but people have to be willing to pick them up and use them and to hear about what al-anon has done for others. I needed counseling at different points and when I suggest that, there is no openeness to it. I know change is scary, I have faced some of this myself. So I am thinking I just need to better hone my dettachment mechanism and learn to hand them over to my HP faster and love them through this stage of my development. Thanks all for the ESH it always helps!

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

NO NO I didn't take it personally, it just got me thinking about how it relates to my experience

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Breaking...the solutions to the problems are in the very program you live. I've been there and done that and learned to ask myself the question what was I going thru when I was doing what they are doing and then when I remember that experience...I share it. I don't take much personally and what and how another member is or isn't going thru regarding their journey is none of my business unless I make it my business. Having a reaction is a choice my sponsor taught me...thoughts, feelings, behaviors. Bless them and accept them and love them anyways. Three Cee them, hug them and move on. They also have their choices and often their choices are different than yours. I remember the definition of insanity...and I feel compassion and empathy while knowing that God can do for them what they and I seemingly cannot. Accept them unconditionally and do what you have to do to gain and maintain your serenity. (((((hugs))))) smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I too have been where your at right now . I found this little blurb yrs ago that is a good reminder for me , I didn't like it at all but it hit the nail on the head for me . This has been in my wallet for 15yrs , and is a good reminder for me . This comes from an old Forum magazine.

Todays reminder. It is only natural to what to share what works for me . But when I must share it* now * I may be more interested in changing others than in sharing my experience , strength, and hope. If I am insistent on carrying the message I can work on improving the message my own example conveys.

We ought not to insist on everyone following in our footsteps, nor to take it upon ourselves to give instructions in spirituality when , perhaps, we do not even know what it is .

Teresa of Avila

Zabi · Newbie

change takes time and awareness changing life long habits of obsessing and complain is difficult. Listening to someone with this problem or habit for along time is frustrating and crazy making.i have been the moaner and the listener.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.