The material presented
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Yogi I wish you peace and patience and I wish that for the children two of whom are eligible for Alateen groups where they can sit and listen to and speak in their peers who also come from a family that is affected by someone elses drinking.
Understand that so often the children do not see the picture the way the complaining parent see or speaks of it and so often the non-drinking parent is made the scapegoat and often because they are not the drunk and are relied upon to do better. I use to counsel families affected by the disease and I rarely witnessed one member being able to "draw the picture" everyone got mainly because each member exercised their own ability to see it for themselves. The non-drinking parent often got blamed because they didn't do what that one child thought should be done...("please mommy, let him come home"!!) or how the other children saw the picture for themselves. They have that ability and they will exercise it. If you haven't given the letter...try asking them to write letters of their own...how they see the picture, what they know inside of themselves from what they have experienced and how they would like things to come out...for them, not for you or for their Dad. Have them address the letters to both of you together or separately and just as long as they get to make "their" statements for what they see, what they hear and what they believe to be happening. They have their own wants and needs and expressions. See if you have the ability to see the picture from their shoes and honor it. It is what it is for them also and what and how they perceive in their own way should be acknowledged as valid. If you can and if you attend face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area...take the kids with you and have them sit and listen. Your eldest can speak as she understand what is happening in the room.
Relapse is sad and it is maddening for many reasons; one being that promises made are thrown out the window so that the alcoholic or addict can return to behavior he has already admitted has caused so much damage in the past and then we come to understand that this disease is very Cunning, Powerful and Baffling. I pray that the children also come to understand that from others in the program...they need other voices not just their father's and mother's. You are too close to the center of the storm and carry much of the hurt and pain yourself. He is insane choosing alcohol over their happiness and security. This is where Higher Power...Yours, His and theirs come to their support.
Sending prayers and support. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 18th of October 2013 11:52:53 PM
I wrote this to my kids tonight, not with the intention to give it, only to see how it would feel writing it....
Earlier this year your dad made choices that were extremely painful for me and for us. The many months prior to that he was doing things and acting in a way that caused our home life to feel bad.
But after the incident in January he made a huge change with lots of promises. It was very scary and a really big choice for me to allow him to come back home after he messed up so badly. I decided to put my fear and anger aside and forgive him. I truly forgave him as best I could. We worked really hard together to bring peace and happiness and confidence to you three. It was very real.
He honoured those promises and truly allowed us all to live confidently and happily. It made me proud. I told him and everyone I knew how proud I was of him.
We were all doing a super terrific job. He even stumbled once but was able to come to me and be honest with me and ALLOW me to show him grace and more forgiveness. I was a little shaken up but he was still on his growing path so we were able to work through it. There were bumps, there are always bumps in any relationship. But again, because we were both on our growing path it was easier to deal with them.
Well recently he decided that he didn't need to grow anymore or hold the promises. He stopped going to his meetings that were helping him grow and made a few bad choices.
This puts me in a really REALLY difficult place. I do not trust that he will live in his promises that allow us to grow strong and confident as a family. Unfortunately this causes me to be scared shitless.
I do not know if I can do this again.
I do not know if I am supposed to live in fear that he is going to keep going back and forth on his promises.
When he was away for two weeks in January I saw how hard it was for you three. Eli (not real name), I listened to your tearful plea for ME to let him come home. It truly broke my heart then and it breaks my heart now.
I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I don't want to break your hearts. I sometimes try to picture our lives separate and it hurts like hell, I sit and think about broken promises and THAT hurts like hell. There is no answer yet I am alone to come up with one.
I hear you and I know how very, very difficult choices in matters like these can be. Sitting with you in a quiet, cyberspace sort of way as you grieve.
I think this is my rash response to a sucky deal. It has only been 2.5 weeks. And just like I haven't had the time to talk to a friend or think about things until tonight, neither has he. No excuses tho, I will only wait so long for him to get back on his path. I am absolutely sure *i* can be alone, its just my babies (16,10,7) that keep me frozen.
I understand and realize the implications of what you are pondering. I had to do the same a long time ago. There was a lot of grieving for me before I acted on what I knew I had to do and lots of grieving after it, too. I wrestled for a long time with the issue until I finally made a decision that I could live with back then. Thanks for sharing your letter. It sounds like things are pretty difficult for you right now. Are you in Al-Anon?
You are not alone. Alanon is a fellowship that can help you. You dont need to make those big overwhelming decisions right now. Get yourself to an Alanon meeting - check online for details. Then take sometime out for yourself to recover using our program. The promise is that in time you will be ready to make the right decision for you and your family. A decision made not from fear and panic with all that sorrow attached but a decision made on rational thought that you can stick to and feel good about. Take care.x
Hi Yogi~ I was just wondering how long you have been in Al-Anon & how long your husband has been in AA? Sobriety takes time...some times quickly, sometimes slowly for some....I know in my life, it took 2 years of relapsing for my husband to be able to finally completely surrender...I was on my way to divorcing him when the miracles started to happen:) while he was doing his drinking, I got busy fixing me in Al-Anon! What a gift that has been! I went to a ton of meetings, personal counseling, got a sponsor and worked the steps! My life was spared as well as my marriage:) I know today that had I not did everything that was suggested in face to face meetings, I would not be where I am today nor would I still be married! I completely understand how you feel, as I too felt the exact same way but my very wise sponsor showed me there was a different way that I could be happy whether the alcoholic was still drinking or not....I would not have done that forever but I am so incredibly grateful that I did not sign on the dotted line:) Our lives today are beyond our wildest dreams! Our children now 27 & 22 are so grateful for both of us, they have healed through us being in recovery and its a miracle they even want anything to do with us after what we had put them through all those years! My husband celebrated 10 years sober in April by Gods loving grace! Don't give up till the miracle happens! YOU are worth it!:)
If I were in your shoes I would seriously think about this: If he stays living in your home what kind of example will he be to the kids? And also: Are you going to be constantly stressed because of his behavior? Will you truly be able to give your children the kind of attention they deserve? Divorce is an ugly thing and it shows who you really are. It will be a rocky road. And ask yourself can you live with this man for the next ten years and pretend to be happy if he doesnt fulfill his promises. Kids are so smart they can see and feel so much, there is not much you can hid from them. Tough question for you...I wish you luck and lots of prayers, and please get into your Alanon program until you understand it better. In support OG
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Personally, I am glad that you wrote that out, without the intention of the kids ever reading it....
My sponsor used to remind me, over and over again, that I am only responsible for MY relationship with my kids, and I needed to learn how to stop justifying, explaining, blaming, etc - my ex-AW's behavior choices.
I couldn't agree more, and in the end, all we can really tell/promise our kids is that "they are loved and they are safe".
Remember that your kids will be watching everything / both of you very closely in the coming months/years, and I'm not sure that letter represents what you want to show to them.... They are old enough to see the world in front of them for what it really is, and if you are getting yourself healthy and he is not, they will definitely see that as well....
For me, I leaned on that saying, over and over again (to the point that my kids would teasingly say at the start of our talks "yes Dad, we know we are loved and safe", lol), but it is truly all I could assure them of.....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I believe the only thing I did right with my sons during the drinking yrs. was to never tell them what went on between my husband and myself , it was adult stuff my kids didn't need to know . If I had told them the nitty gritty stuff it would have changed their relationship with their dad . This is your life , your choice to stay in the relationship or let it go , our kids don't have the right to decide for us . If staying turns out to be a mistake so be it , you will deal with it then . Keep going to meetings , and one day you will know with out talking it out with anyone else , it's ok to stay or it's time to go. It's one of those you 'l know deals . just my opinion. Louise
I greatly appreciate all of the input and encouragement. I especially needed to be reminded that they, my kids, do not need to have my insecurities passed on to them. And that they will have their own story. I have a lot of processing to do. He, my husband, went to AA on his own the very morning after he hit his rock-bottom. That was January. I personally never thought he was an alcoholic. Sometimes I still wonder. He would stop drinking for months if if I ended up at my wits-end and threatened him. He is not your typical drunk. He would be considered the *irresponsible binge drinker* if there is such a thing (?) Anyway, weather he is or isn't is not what worries me. Taking himself out of AA is the scariest thing. AA forced him to meet himself. Something every single human being needs. He had never been in a place where he was encouraged to do that. He literally became a changed man. He was present and empathetic and he quit hiding and blaming. When he stopped going to meetings a month or two ago I quietly began to tremble. I carefully, quietly, and gently reminded him that he deserves to take care of himself and if it was not AA to find another safe place to keep on his path. He didnt. Things were going fine until he came home, from work (always a work thing) buzzed, shitty, well-done, (whatever you wanna call it) and tried to blame me for getting upset. Honestly, the kids have no idea. There was no "drunk-daddy" episode. Only I can see it. He said "I'm fine" and he has allowed a couple of weeks go by without considering how 'xxxx' scared I am. How pissed I am. How confused I am. This morning he told me I am trying to control him by my being angry. I don't even know what that means. He officially claimed he's not an alcoholic and his situation is different. He doesn't belong there (AA). In a way I see it, but asked him to stick with AA (or something comparable) for at least a year to figure it out. Reasonable I thought. He is not drinking right now (just that event) which I am grateful for, but if doesn't get back to himself it will be a matter of weeks before we are back in the 'xxxx'-cycle where he hangs out after work, comes home buzzed, and gets mad at me for getting upset. Again the kids never see it. They only see mean, angry, mad mom! Sucks!
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 21st of October 2013 06:08:51 PM
Oh yea, one more thing...
I told him that I was having a difficult time and that I had reached out to this alanon forum. His reply "oh great now that I'm not going you reach out"
Whatevs.
Mean, angry, mad Mom will be able to change that perception on the part of your children one day at a time in Al-anon. That is how the disease affects us because we are on the same merry-go-round of denial that everyone else without treatment is on. Our part is crucial and we are crushed by expectations of ourselves and others without help. The disease wants nothing more than our co-operation in keeping it alive and well and going strong. Al-Anon helps us minimize the damage to ourselves and to our loved ones. Keep coming back. Keep or start going to meetings. That's our medicine and by taking it (working the steps, meeting with others in the fellowship, finding a good sponsor), we begin to change our thinking, feelings and behaviors one day at a time, making progress but never reaching perfection.
