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I moved 300 miles away from my alcoholic mum & she's just got back from a week in benidorm with her friend and she's in bed with the flu. For some reason i started panicking thinking she's going to die so i rang the doctors crying and the doctor said she would ring my mum and point her in the direction of a detox facility. I now feel guilty that i left and that i should be there to look after her now & i wonder if she's eating okay. My mum is at later stages of fatty liver but i'm not sure exactly where, she is still drinking though.
I know that i'm powerless, but sometimes i try everything i can to try and help her, and the emotional upheaval is really stressful for me, even after 1 text message. I can't deal with it anymore, i either need her to die, or to get help. Why is she doing this, i live in constant fear, i'm trying to sort my own life out but i can't because i move 2 steps forward and she pulls me 3 steps backwards, i don't feel happy at all, and i think this is the main cause of my unhappiness. Do i just change my number for 6 months, but then i'll feel guilty as i'm the only child she has and all her side of the family say that you look after your mum coz she brought you up. Sometimes i'd rather not live at all because i am so unhappy with this situation..
Oh, my. Lots of stuff that is concerning you right now? Being 1 of 10 children and a ton of adult grandkids, I don't have that kind of stress in my life when it comes to my aging father. I do have that kind of stress in relationship to my alcoholic son. I am totally powerless over his health, his choices, his disease, too. What I have found helpful in relationship to him is to take good care of myself, pray for him, keep my hands off his life, and love him from a distance when we are physically separated and be kind and caring with him when he is dry and we are together. I'm not saying any of what I have found helpful for me will work for you, but it has worked for me.
I did go for a run which was good, but the stress i feel is unbearable, i feel like it takes over me, it's like one minute i'm okay and at peace, and the next she will text me something that turns my life upside down. How can i allow myself to communicate with someone like that. Even slight communication with her brings about strong feelings of hate inside me, really bitter nasty angry feelings that i don't feel around anyone else. She can really press my buttons, even writing about it now i can feel tension in my neck, it's like my neck tightens up..
As far as your Mom goes, the answers do lie in Al-Anon recovery work. It does help us learn how to deal with some of that. I wouldn't be honest if I said that my son's calls are always welcome - in large part because they are generally full of bad news and information over which - like him and his disease - I am powerless. But, I can say that I have learned to better focus on myself and shut down that "red rescue light" that goes off in my head every time I hear a distress call. His distress is due to choices he is making and to his alcoholism. I can love him and hate the disease. But, first I had to help me by admitting I simply couldn't be his ALL-IN-ALL, his savior, the one who could turn the screws in his head to see things the way I wanted him to see things. I couldn't get to the emotional admission of my powerlessness without help in Al-Anon. It had to be repeated over and over again by others in the fellowship and by me to get it from my head into my heart. I don't feel angry towards my child anymore. I don't feel angry towards the disease either. I also don't feel desperate, hopeless, despairing or victimized. But I did for awhile with his Dad and sometimes with him, too. I can tell when the disease is pushing my buttons and I have enough tools to ignore the pressure of those buttons being pushed. But, that came in time and with a lot of practice and meetings. There really was no other way to work some of that through for me.
That's how it works for me, q. You are worth the effort, the patience, the progress in our program. One day at a time we learn a new way to think, feel and act - together. (((q)))
(((((Qwerty)))))....I didn't see if or where you mentioned meetings and sponsor. Do you have these tools available where you have moved to? Do you have CAL literature. One of the metaphors I use to remember about trying to fight this disease all by my lonesome was like going to a gunfight with a pocket knife and it was because as you know this disease is very cunning, powerful and baffling.
One of the old lessons that was given to me from my early sponsorship when I was letting my wife's disease affect me so much like you are being affected was "No one has the power to affect your peace of mind and serenity unless you allow it" and then came another unless..."unless you participate". Your Mom is receiving the consequences of her choices and she is choosing in spite of your beliefs and wishes and concerns...isn't that powerful? She knows how you feel and makes her choices anyway and isn't that how we are to be responsible for ourselves. When I finally came to that awareness with my alcoholic/drug addicted wife I found relaxation and peace of mind and serenity...I loved her newly without condition and I detached myself from her consequences. When I relaxed she became concerned for me...isn't that humorous?...because I was no longer REACTING to each and every thing she did or I suspected she was doing. Her behavior owned me and she never even asked me if that was okay. Enablers get just as crazy and painful except we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality...we get sicker.
If you're not doing anything wrong...why the guilt and if she is doing exactly what it is that she cares to...why the worry? I also know that alcoholism is a life threatening disease as surely as I know that there is a Higher Power who when I turned my will and my life over to my life got most liveable. Your Mom is making choices for herself...love her unconditionally and for the child of God that she is. Pray she makes the connection instead of taking the next drink which you haven't cause, cannot control and will not cure. ((((hugs)))) in support.
Go to a meeting, go to many meetings before doing anything. Im sorry you are going through this, it must be really difficult to have an alcoholic Mum. I imagine its similar to having an alcoholic child. There is that deep sense of duty attached. Those blood ties that stop us taking care of ourselves and put these relatives first. Society puts pressure on with these relationships too so its like an extra burden. Society will accept people who walk away from a spouse but a Mother or a son, its more complex. I speak from experience because I have an A ex husband and a problem drinker son (cant call him an A yet - because Im not sure he is) Anyway, it took me years to break away from my husband but my son is a completely different ball game. I know how you feel.
I recognize that panicky, overwhelming feeling that your post conveys. Its awful but for me it was this feeling that finally got me to surrender - surrender to a higher power, to Alanon, to finally believing that I cant fix everyone, I dont have all the answers. It was such a relief. You cant save your Mum - you dont have the power - so no matter what you try to do or say or think it will not change her. When you believe this you will be free. Free to take charge of the things you can change and control - you - so you can make sure you look after yourself, food, rest, you know the basics, then try quietening your mind, harder to do but use the serenity prayer, use the slogans - say them over and over again.
Try really hard to put yourself first - this is not selfish - this is healthy. Your mum is actually putting herself first in every way so its wrong to also put her first - her health - her life. Who is putting you first? You have an obligation to yourself only. Look after yourself, your Mum is looking after herself. You say she is back from a holiday. That is taking care of yourself for sure, so why are you worried? Let her Go, imagine wrapping her in a cozy blanket and mentally let her go, let her own higher power take care of her. This is as it should be. This is healthy and right.
Thanks for sharing, keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.x
I'm sorry you are going through this but I do understand why. An alcoholic parent will treat you as an extension of themselves. You have reversed roles where you are the parent and they are the child. You are told by them to "do as I tell you" all the while growing up, and then you reach adulthood and realize that it's not a good idea to do what they say, that they don't even know what's good for themselves...Then that rocks your whole foundation for how you have grown up and learned your way in the world. The person that taught you the most, does not even know right from wrong much of the time...that is very confusing and will have you doubting yourself. When your mom is an alcoholic, she also lets it be known that you are not your own person, but an extension of her. She clings to you and won't let you fly the coop like ordinary young adults do and you won't let yourself do it (not without guilt and fear) because you are now so enmeshed with her.
While the answer may seem to lie in the relationship with your mom and somehow changing it or her. It's not. Her alcoholism affected you. YOU. The answer lies in you and the help is in Alanon. Focus on getting what you need in Alanon to move forward. Be loving, but have boundaries so you can progress in your own life.
aww thank you so much el, and jerry. I have started going to meetings, not got sponser yet but hopefully will have one soon. Yeh, she is putting herself first, and she's not been there for me all the time, sometimes when i needed a mum most. So that's exactly what i need to do, be there for myself..
Oh boy, I understand those guilty feelings about addict relatives and significant others so much. =( I went through guilt when I moved out of my parents' house. I always went back because I felt like I had to protect my mother from my alcoholic loser father and brother. She won't divorce him because she is a Croatian Catholic.
Qwerty, Just keep on in the program. It will work for you. Guilt was the hardest thing for me and my AH always knew the right things to say to stir up my guilty emotions. There were a few things I had to learn to say to myself. One of them was to think of myself and what I wanted more. I would ask myself if he was worried about my feelings when he is saying what he is saying. My "no" answer was answered with "then give his feelings as much concern as he is giving yours". That gave me permission to not be guilty and to do what is right for me.
Who is going to take care of you? You are!
