I'm just getting many parts of this program. I never really got the whole 'opposites' concept before. You know looking at your defects and doing the opposite. 

Resentful = every time I feel it work on forgiveness.

Bitter and intolerant = work on being tolerant and again forgiveness.

At this moment my biggest defect that is giving me dis-ease is my unwillingness to forgive my ex A. In fact for the last few months I have not said a kind word about him. I don't speak to him anymore and I felt I had forgave him but no, because these feelings and attitudes creep back in and it doesn't do me any good because I feel bad for thinking these awful thoughts and saying some awful, mean things about him, behind his back. Part of me wants to tell him exactly what I think but then again, I don't want to hurt another person and I don't really want to be this person who is mean and full of ill will when it comes to him.

It annoys me that he has any place in my life at all. I want to feel neutral, if that's possible. I want to think of him like any other person that has no impact or effect on me and my life. I suppose Ive got to practice the opposite thing and in time this defect will vanish. Thanks for listening.x

Hi ya El-cee I can really relate... there have been many times I have known I should forgive... and infact even know it would be good for me even if the person I am unset with doesn't deserve it. .... Puts us in a hard place... and when people in my meeting just say you should just for give I would just get more mad. lol.... I know they were trying to help... but I just was not ready.. So angry so very hurt..
I did something that really helped... I wrote a letter to the person that had hurt me.... And I wrote with all my pain... all my hurt .... I really let them have it.... even more than I had behind their back lol.... I carried it around for a few days.... and every time I would start to get made at that person... I would just tell myself... it is in the letter... so now I don't have to keep going over it.....over and over in my head....
Then after a few days I burned the letter.... (I would never suggest giving the letter to the person I was made at, I know people who have and it only made things worse)
But went out and burned... and somehow I felt some relief....relief from the pain and hurt I was feeling...only then i was ready to start tying many of the great Alanon tools... like prayer, the serenity pray... and of course my all time favorite.....( which Im going to use today later LOL )
Is to take the first step and replace where it says "Alcohol" with the persons "Name" that I felt so much anger and hurt towards.
I am trying powerless over my spouse.... and when I try to control... her... her actions, thoughts and expect health out of her..... My life becomes unmanageable.... ... And I call that feeling...that state of trying to control another action or life "insane"..... Which allows me to move into step two...

Thank you for sharing your honest feelings with us... You helped me... more than you know... I am really going to apply the things I just shared with you in my live more..starting now!!!

I went through the same interior things with my x - especially when it came to my kids. I knew my kids had been short-changed in a lot of ways by their Dad - and I had been short-changed, too. When my grandson was born, I flew with my daughter and my infant grandson to see her Dad and my son. Although my x wanted me to stay in his apartment with my son, daughter, grandson and him, I felt it in my best interest to stay in a motel given the reality that he had been abusive. I went armed with Al-Anon tools. Seeing him hold our grandson, laughing with our kids and correcting my son for bad behavior on his part in relationship to me softened me.

We all went out to dinner one night. My x insisted on paying my bill and my kids, too. We enjoyed our dinner. My kids sat at the table with eyes wide open in amazement. They might as well had their mouths open as wide, too. Both said how amazing it was that we were all sitting at a table together eating and laughing and remembering our history together.

When my x took the three of us back to the airport to fly back home, he insisted on pushing the stroller and carrying our bags. It came time to say goodbye. He hugged my grandson and my daughter. Then, he turned to me and grabbed me and held me close to him, sobbing. I knew why. I hugged him back. I was done carrying anything but what was in us both - love - that somehow got buried beneath the effects of a disease that broke us both and hurt our kids. I was also grateful that both of us had laid down our spears and our arrows and chose to be grateful together for what we both did well - brought our kids into the world and loved our little grandson together.

He died a few years after this encounter. I was with him as he died although he and I neither one knew it as my son became the bridge between us on the telephone that linked us both together even though we were about 2500 miles apart. My kids loved their Dad even though they saw a lot about him they didn't like. They still do. My anger and resentment towards him because I felt they had been short-changed - true or not - didn't help them or me. It just created a wall that kept the circle of love out of our circle. (((el-cee)))