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Well me and my A did very little talking today I went to a meeting last night and it was a meeting that we all were in the same place no one healthier no one sicker we were all in the same mood ( drained) . We all added to the table and all left home with something . Today my A was surpose to work and he took off to go to a meeting and I said hmm he had 2 meetings he went to today ? Plus it's getting that time for him to go to work , so I asked him your not working tonight and he kept quiet didn't say anything . THIS is where I don't know if I have the right to ask him why he wasn't going to work he told me stay on my side of the street he didn't want to talk about it . When he is ready he will tell me about it. He states he doesn't trust me and I'm going to judge him and I won't support him , so at least I no I didn't do anything . But why is this a big secret do I have the right to ask and know ? I think something like this should be talked about he not telling me is only worring me and it affects me . I guess it's his way of still controlling his choice to tell me or not either way I think he wrong . What do you all think . I don't have answers I'm still trying to play safe here on what I can ask him . So I when does the seperated sides of the street stop and we hit the middle and talk about the stuff that has nothing to do with the program because right now he ruling all of that .
You are free to state "I am asking out of caring and not nosiness or judging" if that is the truth. Then if he believes it and you communicate, the relationship is improving and opening up. If not then I would let go and let it be. Things are busted in the relationship but it doesn't mean that you are.
I understand your concern . Alanon tells me that if I am living on spiritual principles, then I will know what I need to know in time to make positive choices.
Trust the inner voice within. Pray, focus on yourself and the children. THIS IS ANOTHER GAME TO ATTEMPT TO KEEP YOU OFF CENTER
Hi there Ms C,
I think you got it in one - it is unsettling to you not to know what is going on which means that your attention is.... where? Bingo, its working!
When I started to assume that AH was doing fine and using good judgement it freed me up to not worry about what he was doing. As you can well imagine, there were some hum-dinger moments while he was still trying to get me to worry about him. But gradually he seems to be taking responsibility.
Yes, you have the right to ask about things that affect you both I think but what would happen if you let him know that you assume that he will support you and in the meantime make sure that you take good care of yourself? Just my personal take on what happened in our house, it might or might not work for you.
Hi Ms. C
I just wanted to say I've been reading your posts and can really see what great progress you are making. I agree with others about what and how much to ask your AH. I used to worry all the time and always ask where he was going, when he'd be back. Now I just let him worry about himself, and we are both doing better. It's very hard to do at first, but gets easier. Hugs
Yes I see what is happing the massive textes I got to night stating I don't care I'm not supported and I never been there for him . That's totally wrong and on top of now telling me he got sober for me boy that sure makes me feel better here I am thinking you get sober for you you take of you and no one can make you get sober you have to have that will to change. I been to meetings with him I giving him plenty of that a boys and praise . And that still not good enought . I asked him when do I get my validation of the hard work I'm doing on my own he never wants to here anything about my meeting as if did I take what I need at the meeting if so do you feel good about it. He says he been supporting me right along . This is how he support me don't go to Alaon they don't know what there talking about you don't seam to be getting the program you ppl only look on your selfs . OK BINGO key word you ppl only look after your self ! Well this is true no different then you and your fellowship. Look on your selfs to keep sober . I said remember we are working the same program at differnt speeds so yes it is a SELFISH program that's what you tell me . This man thinks I need to drop everything I'm doing to support him and trust me it's not in a way I will say!! His selfish needs ok ) I said if you want to be supported to me then this is what I would like . Acknowledge ment not who get to the race faster because there no prize waiting . His reward is he making it to his 12 step that special chip his sobriety that's what he wins . Me I win my sanity and I'm ok with that . Something happen at his job and it's bad but he won't tell me but yet he wants a pat on the back and me to talk all nice to him anything to make him feel loved . Hey in example , he could of stole cheated again or killed some one . I want to know first what I'm supporting I don't want to get involved in his mess he made . I'm looking out for me and my sanity not like taking on a burden that's not revealed to me. I'm trying to stay on top and focus on me and he trying to take that away from me to focus on him. And I refuse to do that . Plus we are not working on us because there's no trust at all. Right at this time yeah I got the game card I have the choice to fall backwards or move forward and continue to help myself and my kids. Questing you and your spouse don't get along the big A knows what right he keeps making poor choices . And now something that is work related but no clue what it is . Would you support him ? And not sure if I mentioned it ya his support he gives me are bought with money and strings attached and reminds me of that . I no longer accept gifts from him knowing he wants something in return from me . That's my opion and how I feel
I can't count the number of times AH has told me that I have never been there for him. Once I asked him what 'being there for him' looked like and he told me that I should have told him to sort his s*** out!! (Not that he would have liked it if I had done as he suggested though - because then I would be told that I was being mean!). Great to see you focusing on your own sanity and needs. Take care of yourself.
This is what QTIP means Ms. C. It's not your fault you cannot please him or "be there for him" like he thinks you should in his mind. Nobody could do that. He can't "be there" for himself. He can't please himself. How on earth could you please a person like that? Nobody could. Don't take it personal. It's about his inability to be happy with himself and putting it onto you because it is much harder to look within than it is to blame someone else.
I have another acronym for you. QTIP is great but maybe you can start thinking about JADE.
JADE means you do not have to "Justify" "Argue" "Defend" or "Explain" yourself to anyone.
For a time, my exA was a master at baiting me into arguments, and because I was so strong-headed and defensive about my reputation, any time he'd try to drag me down and tell me how horrible I was, how unsupportive I was, how selfish I was, I would come down like thunder on him, not realizing I'd taken his bait yet again. I'd Justify my position, Argue with him, Defend my choices and Explain why I did what I did. Point is, he didn't give a rat's behind about any of that. What he really wanted was an argument so he could shift his guilt over to me, and I blindly gave it to him.
The pointless arguments and blame game began to stop when I'd remember JADE whenever he'd try to tell me I was an awful person. I started to change the dance. I would simply not respond to him - I'd just listen and that was it, or I'd leave the room saying something like "we can talk about this later, sweetie."
It was also important for me to watch my part in things and recognize when I'd be the one trying to stir the pot. There were many times where I'd try to ask the exA something out of love and he would respond negatively telling me clearly he didn't want to talk, but I'd push through and badger him until - huge shocker (I say that sarcastically) - he'd get angry and yell at me. With the help of my sponsor I'd take a look at the part I had played in those arguments and slowly learned that it's okay for me to ask something, but it's not right of me to push and pester until I get a response that I want. I need to learn to respect people's boundaries and if they say they don't want to talk to me, I need to respect that and let it go.
I say the above to you with love - really re-read your first post. Do you think perhaps you could have avoided an entire argument if you had let him have his space? Doesn't matter if you think he deserves it or not. But really - did you really HAVE to know? And why? What's the payoff for you? Were you in mortal danger if you didn't know his answer? How important is it? How important is it to disrupt your calm serenity just to know what your A is thinking when you likely already know the truth deep down?
My As have told me that, too. I argued for awhile. Then, I decided reverse psychology might work on a few occasions and agreed. "You might be right," ended a lot of back and forth drama for me. And in some cases, it was true I wasn't there for them. There were personal reasons that I had for not being there, but I wasn't there all the same. So, "You could be right," was a true statement or me.
